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2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 2
LOS ANGELES — So, how was that Week 1 for ya? Go down smooth like Saturday’s scotch? How you feelin’ down in NOLA? Up in Green Bay? Out in Philly? Hit the panic button yet? Think Mark Sanchez slept the sleep of kings Sunday night? How about Mike Shanahan? Oh yes, the NFL is back in a big way. Many dazzled (cough, Peyton Manning, cough) and others fizzled (looking right ya, Carson) but you can’t dispute now being the best time of the year. Replacement refs? We’re stuck with them. Oh, and my fantasy teams went 4-1 over the weekend. Four letters. One world. Bang.
The only question I have left: Who’s the Man? Let’s run it down.
32.) Miami Dolphins (record: 0-1) (last week: 31) — I’m guessing the ‘Fins might run their own occupy movement this season. Like, how many consecutive weeks can they occupy the bottom spot in my rankings. I, on the other hand, am going to occupy a new picture of Lauren Tannehill on this space until they climb out of the cellar. Good luck (“Taken” voice.)
31.) Oakland Raiders (0-1) (22) — Sweet mother of Al Davis, Oakland looked terrible. I’m not going to pile on the poor backup longsnapper, but he’s not a real person. Some analyst said the three keys for the Raiders this year is to get the ball to Darren McFadden, get the ball to Darren McFadden and get the ball to Darren McFadden. I can’t disagree.
30.) Cleveland Browns (0-1) (32) — I’m not saying Brandon Weeden would’ve been better off if he just stayed trapped under the giant American Flag like some rightwing R.Kelly, but he would’ve been better off staying under that gigantic American Flag in pregame. Not even 17-year-old Chris Brockman threw 4 picks in a game and I threw a LOT of picks in high school.
29.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) (28) — Maurice Jones-Drew’s 95 total yards squashed the notion that Pocket Hercules was being relegated to “third down back” like Mike Mularkey originally stated. Now, for that defense.
28.) Tennessee Titans (0-1) (24) — So Chris Johnson had 4 rushing yards and Jake Locker got hurt trying to make a tackle on an interception. But hey, Nate Washington had a TD catch (Fantasy Team Alert!) so all is good in Nashville!
27.) Buffalo Bills (0-1) (18) — Well, well, well. This is Earth, Bills fans. Welcome back to it. Look, I thought Buffalo would beat the Jets, too. But but New York went all TSA and stripped down the Amish Rifle and Co. I think this says more about how the Bills are PREtenders than the Jets being CONtenders, but yes, you should be panicking in the 716.
26.) Arizona Cardinals (1-0) (30) — So let me get this straight. Kevin Kolb is the guy now? After one good drive? What week does Larry Fitzgerald demand a trade to New England? It’s election season; I’m starting a “Free Fitz” campaign.
25.) Indianapolis Colts (0-1) (25) — I’m sticking by what I said last week about 25 being the lowest the Colts are all season. Luck is going to have times this year where he looks like a rookie, but these numbers are worth noting: 21-of-37, 302 yds, TD, 3 INT. Not #12’s from Sunday, but Peyton Manning’s from his 1998 debut. #18’s doing all right.
24.) St. Louis Rams (0-1) (27) — Yes, the Rams should’ve beaten the Lions. No, they did not. But that defense sure looked feisty. Once Sam Bradford gets some viable offense weapons not named Steven or Jackson, he’ll be in good shape. He can sling it, though.
23.) Minnesota Vikings (1-0) (29) — My buddy from home texted me right after Blair whatever his name is’s (#StillNotSureKickersArePeopleToo) kick went through the uprights at the Homer Dome: “Perfect season.” So yeah, there’s hope in Minnesota. But let’s not carried away after one week.
22.) Seahawks (0-1) (23) — So the bandwagon got a little less crowded Monday, but that still doesn’t mean the Seachickens aren’t a good team, or any less likely to make the playoffs. They still play tough at home, have a good (we think) coach and Russell Wilson is going to make plays. Starting 0-2, however, not a good look.
21.) Chiefs (0-1) (17) — In Kansas City’s defense, a lot of teams are going to have trouble stopping the Falcons this season. HOWever, Jamaal Charles looked nice in his return from knee surgery, but Matt Cassel has to play better. That’s just the bottom line.
20.) Eagles (1-0) (16) — The funniest thing I’ve read headline-wise in a while is the “Here A Vick, There A Vick, Everywhere A Vick Pick” from the Philly Daily News on Monday. As my high school coach used to say, if you have any confusion, Michael, you’re in green, they’re in white.
19.) Panthers (0-1) (15) — Cue the sophomore slump talk! These are the facts of the case: Cam Newton had just one TD and generated 10 points. But he still threw for 300+ yards and completed 69.7% of his passes. Let’s call it rust and wait a few weeks, shall we?
18.) Bengals (0-1) (8) — So the Bengals have the biggest drop this week, dropping 10 spots. They just looked overwhelmed on the big opening night stage and Dalton appeared to take a step back. That’s the Tuesday Morning QB theme. And who is Andrew Hawkins and could he be the next Darren Sproles? That’s what Marc is hoping in my fantasy league.
17.) Jets (1-0) (26) — So THAT’s where all the good plays have been hiding! Look, the Jets couldn’t beat my high school with how they looked in the preseason, but if this is how Mark Sanchez is gonna play then maybe they’ll be contenders after all. Still don’t know what to make of the “Tebow Package;” is it a ruse? He lined up at WR but only had 5 rushes. I still say Sanchez should’ve demanded a trade the day Tebow was acquired.
16.) Chargers (1-0) (19) — So after blowing out his ACL on the opening kickoff last season, Nate Kaeding kicked 5 field goals in Monday’s win over the Raiders. Yup, same old Chargers.
15.) Steelers (0-1) (12) — So the Steelers were playing without their leading defensive back AND linebacker and barely lost to a resurgent Peyton Manning? Oh, and their running back is out and top WR has only practiced a couple of hours. What was the score again? And a couple linemen were hurt? I can’t tell if Mike Tomlin’s team is fine or in reeeeeeeallllllly bad shape moving forward.
14.) Lions (1-0) (11) — Truthfully, I wanted to drop the Lions even more than 3 spots but they’re definitely better than all these teams below them. But, seriously, come on, Matt Stafford, you’re better than this. Three picks to the Rams? I get all the passing yards, and thanks, since I picked you in the #REPPicks contest, but you gotta do better than a last-second TD pass to win. You made the playoffs last year, for crying out loud.
13.) Broncos (1-0) (14) — Yes, Peyton Manning looked pretty good. I thought for sure he’d leave that game not under his own power. But let’s remember the Broncos beat a pretty banged up Steelers squad. Let’s see how they do on Monday, on the road, against an explosive team. Oh, and good to have you back, #18.
12.) Bucs (1-0) (13) — Well color me surprised. In fact, rain on me surprised and watch me twirl my head around and kick my legs like those strippers on the sideline disguised as Bucs cheerleaders. Seriously, is there another set of pom-pom toters hotter than Tampa Bay’s? So the Bucs are off to a good start. Any time you can hold Cam Newton to 10 points, you’re doing something right. And I’d really like to love me some Josh Freeman again. Say hit to Calypso for me. Don’t let him escape the house again.
11.) Saints (0-1) (7) — It’s too early to tell if it’s panic time in NOLA, but the Saints defense sure didn’t look too good, now did it? I know the player suspensions have been overturned, but they’re not gonna matter much. We’re gonna really find out how important a head coach is to the team this year in the Bayou.
10.) Giants (0-1) (1) — Sorry, but me oh my, Giants fans. Here we go again. Why is it every year your team puts you through this? Wouldn’t you just like to have a normal season, where it’s clear whether you’re going to make the playoffs or you not? Sure, I get it, you’ve won 2 titles in the last 5 years, I’ll shut my mouth now. Go about your season however you see fit.
9.) Redskins (1-0) (20) — How many burgundy “Griffin III” jerseys are going to be sold this week in the Beltway? 100,000? 200,000? Perhaps I’m overreacting to how good this Redskins team is, but I’m OK with that, ’cause damn are they exciting. Finally, VA and Scotty Watt and Archie’s dad have something cheer for. Not even Mike Shanahan can screw this up. Wait, can he?
8.) Cowboys (1-0) (21) — An over-reactive, dramatic rise? Perhaps. Is Jerry Jones’s personal eye-glass cleaner actually writing this? Maybes. But I thought there was no way the ‘Boys were winning the opener. Not when the Super Bowl champs were 8-0 in these games. And Tony Romo showed me something. Well, he basically showed me the same thing he’s showed everyone in the last few years: he can win during the regular season in sometimes spectacular fashion. Let’s see what ya got in January, dimples.
7.) Packers (0-1) (3) — So the Packers still aren’t gonna play any defense, is that what they’re saying? Just let me know so I can adjust my Super Bowl pick accordingly. Cripes, Alex Smith looked like … quick, who’s a good quarterback named Smith … umm … well, he looked like a good player. And by a show of hands, who thought (hoped) Randy Moss was going to moon the Green Bay crowd? [raises hand] How awesome would that have been? How do you think Joe Buck would’ve called it? Better than this, I’m guessing.
Eat it, Joe Buck.
6.) Bears (1-0) (10) — Did you see any of Jay Cutler’s press conference on Tuesday? Good to see ole’ Jay found his inner douche in the offseason. Glad being a dad hasn’t taken that inner Hamptonite out of him. Seriously, this guy. If he didn’t have a missile launcher for a right arm, he’d be just another mail man from Santa Claus. And not the cool kind who wears pointed shoes and a fuzzy ball on his hat.
5.) Texans (1-0) (6) — This is my darkhorse for the Super Bowl this year, no pun intended. Potentially great defense. Explosive offense. I mean, did you see how many times Arian Foster bowed on Sunday!?! Twice!! I was singing Rocky Top and slapping my logger Melanie’s hand repeatedly. She was pretty clueless as to my joy. She doesn’t play fantasy football.
4.) Falcons (1-0) (9) — Well hello there, Julio Jones. So that’s why Thomas Dimitroff traded all those picks to take you two years ago. I knew there was a reason. Winning on the road was impressive, but will the Falcons’ new uptempo style of play be ready for Monday Night and Peyton Manning? I’m ready. Nearly dropped a few dollars on some Falcons gear on NFL Shop this week. Another Matty Ice performance like Week 1’s and I’ll click “buy” this time around.
3.) New England Patriots (1-0) (2) — OK, I jinxed Tom Brady’s handsomeness. New England’s prince charming possibly broke his nose in the Patriots win over the Titans on Sunday (but Gisele likes it, so that means I like it). But the big story was New England’s rush attack. Stevan Ridley ran for 120 yards and is possibly Antoine Smith reincarnated. OK, maybe not. Certainly Rob Gronkowski won’t flub up the spike and Aaron Hernandez won’t NOT make it rain after touchdowns moving forward.
2.) 49ers (1-0) (5) — We knew the 49ers were good. But on the road in the Green Bay good? Yup. And we see you Randy Moss. Welcome back.
1.) Ravens (1-0) (4) — Their field goal kicker doesn’t need to worry about making chip shots when Joe Flacco and Co. are throwing it all over the schoolyard like 10-year old Chris Brockman at Valley Park Elementary. Oh, and Ed Reed. That is all.
2012 NFL Burning Questions
LOS ANGELES — Riding the tidal wave of last year’s rousing success, I decided to bring back my NFL Burning Questions column, only this time with a twist. Instead of doing one question for each number of Super Bowls, I’m going to borrow an idea I’ve seen elsewhere in the sports blogosphere and do an inquiry for all 32 teams and put them in a pre-Week 1 “You’re The Man” power ranking. (I mean, I have to be somewhat original, right?) Perhaps each week I’ll revisit the previous week’s question to see if an answer as been reached and re-rank accordingly. Hmm… (hamster gets off couch and peers at the wheel…)
So without any more adieu, let’s boast about other people’s football manhood!!
32.) Cleveland Browns — I have Greg Little on my main fantasy team this year, but will there be enough of a run game to allow Brandon Weeden time to throw him the ball and focus on something else other than all the 2nd- and 3rd-and-longs the Browns will eventually be in all season?
31.) Miami Dolphins — The only way Miami’s going to be able to score is if Ryan Tannehill’s wife lines up at WR and distracts the defense, thus allowing Reggie Bush to run rampant. So the question is, can Mrs. Tannehill play WR? I mean, no one else can on that team.
30.) Arizona Cardinals — At this rate, I’m next up in the QB Carousel down in Arizona. Seriously, does Kurt Warner really not want to play anymore? I’ve seen him in the hallways at NFL Network and I’m willing to bet he can still sling it better than Skelton/Kolb.
29.) Minnesota Vikings — If I’m Adrian Peterson, for starters I’d probably spend an uncomfortable amount of time staring at myself in the mirror, but I also wouldn’t be in any rush to get back on the field in Minnesota. However, with the aerial assassins in that division – Packers, Lions, Bears – can the Vikings defense be able to stop anyone?
28.) Jacksonville Jaguars — PHEW! Maurice Jones-Drew is back. Now, what week do I start him in fantasy? Can Justin Blackmon keep himself out of trouble long enough to become the next Anquan Boldin?
27.) St. Louis Rams — Can Jeff Fisher’s mustache play WR? Who is Sam Bradford supposed to throw it to? I feel for Steven Jackson because I’m guessing he’s going to take another pounding this season.
26.) New York Jets — If Tim Tebow comes in the game and scores a touchdown, would you take him out? What if the defense scores; can you send them out on offense? That’s how bad their offense is.
25.) Indianapolis Colts — I’m guessing this is the lowest the Colts will be all season. Just a hunch and my faith in Luck’s talent. He’s that good. Put it this way: would you rather have the Jets defense and their mess at QB or Andrew Luck? Yup, me too.
24.) Tennessee Titans — Jake Locker officially has the reigns of the Titans offense, having won them from my brother Matt Hasselbeck this preseason, but can Chris Johnson regain his 2010 form?
23.) Seattle Seahawks — I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong about Russell Wilson, but remember: he dominated the PRE-season. Different beast when the games count for real. Can he legitimately make the Seahawks a challenger to the 49ers in the NFC West?
22.) Oakland Raiders — The good news for Rolando McClain is the Black Hole is probably the only place were shooting off your guns in public is considered tame behavior. I’m guessing the Raiders offense is going to be fine; can the defense carry its weight with Peyton, the explosive Chiefs and potentially deadly Chargers in the way?
21.) Dallas Cowboys — Will Dez Bryant’s “bodyguards” be with him on the sideline to let him know when to go out in the huddle? More importantly, and for Tony Romo’s sake, will they actually suit up and play offensive line?
20.) Washington Redskins — I’m among those who think Robert Griffin III has the potential to have a Cam Newton-Lite type of season but will Mike Shanahan’s penchant for using 18 running backs during the season screw with Robert’s mojo?
19.) San Diego Chargers — The only question is will the Chargers start out hot and then fizzle to finish 8-8 or fizzle and get hot down the stretch to finish 8-8? Either way, they’ll be watching the playoffs from their over-priced recliners.
18.) Buffalo Bills — The offense started hot in 2011 as the Bills were the league’s darling. Now the defense is better with the addition of Mario Williams. Who will lead them this season?
17.) Kansas City Chiefs — Now that the Chiefs have a coach they like and a young defense said likable coach, who has a few Super Bowl rings, is creating schemes for, is Matt Cassel the man everyone in Arrowhead thinks he can be?
16.) Philadelphia Eagles — Dream Team. Dynasty. Is there another D-word an overrated player on the Eagles can throw out describing their underachieving ball club?
15.) Carolina Panthers — I’m not sure how many of you know this, but Cam Newton is not liked but a certain Southern California native wide receiver who happens to be his teammate. That said, can the offense stay as surprisingly explosive in Year 2?
14.) Denver Broncos — Peyton Manning is one of my favorite players. I have an autographed 8×10 he sent me when he was in college after I wrote him a letter as a high school junior. I think he should have retired after last year. I don’t think he’ll make it through this year unscathed. I hope I’m wrong. If he’s healthy, how will he make those around him better?
13.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers — This is not the same Bucs team that lost 10 straight last year. I think. Can Greg Schiano inject some new life into the organization and can Josh Freeman bounce back from his disaster 2011 campaign to lead this young, potentially dangerous team?
12.) Pittsburgh Steelers — Ben Roethlisberger said during a sideline, preseason interview that he called his own plays. Hmm. So why was Todd Haley brought in again? Will Mike Wallace feel the effects of his hold out? And who’s the running back again? Get the feeling the trend of the last few years of this not being my daddy’s smashmouth Steelers will continue.
11.) Detroit Lions — You wanna talk about a team that throws it all over the school yard; your Detroit Lions, everybody! But can their secondary stop anyone? We know Ndamukong Suh has the front seven on lockdown, but can the back four prevent Matthew Stafford of having to engineer 4th Quarter comebacks all season?
10.) Chicago Bears — The Cutler & Marshall band is back together at Soldier Field this season, but will they make the same sweet Denver music?
9.) Atlanta Falcons — The Falcons are running out of excuses as to why they haven’t won a playoff game. Is Matty really Ice or is he the Cooler?
8.) Cincinnati Bengals — No one saw the 2011 Bengals coming, not even themselves. Can they equal last year’s surprising season or will a sophomore slump bite Andy Dalton and A.J. Green?
7.) New Orleans Saints — We’re going to find out in a hurry just how important a head coach is to a professional football team. Hell, we’re going to find out in a hurry just how important an INTERIM head coach is to a football team. Can Drew Brees be both AND the greatest passer this side of a 10-year-old Chris Brockman with a Nerf ball?
6.) Houston Texans — Arian Foster likes to bow after scoring touchdowns. I like to watch him bow after scoring touchdowns because that means 6+ points for my fantasy team. With Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson healthy, and Ben Tate the best backup RB in the game, how often does Gary Kubiak like watching Foster bow after scoring TDs?
5.) San Francisco 49ers — Can Alex Smith come out and make everyone forget his coach tried to woo Peyton Manning and then lied about it by showing how he nearly got the 9ers to the Super Bowl last year?
4.) Baltimore Ravens — Can the Ravens new kicker make a 32-yard field goal?
3.) Green Bay Packers — Quick Aaron Rodgers story: I was at the same ESPY’s after-after party earlier this summer as the 2011 NFL MVP, and he walked around like James freakin’ Bond. It was uncanny the control of the room (or rooftop in this case) he had. I ended up exiting the party with him, the Hasselbecks (all 3), Sage Steele, among others, and Rodgers made fun of us for all being bald. I said something inconsequential back and the night ended. Just thought I’d share. Oh, and is Cedric Benson really the answer for the Pack’s running woes?
2.) New England Patriots — I think we all know what to expect from the Patriots offense, but what about the defense? They can’t get much much worse than 31st in total defense, as they were in 2011. Oh, I thought of an offensive question: can Tom Brady get better looking this year? Like physically. He’s so dreamy. Seriously, look at those eyes.
1.) New York Giants — You all remember the Giants, don’t you? They’re the OTHER team that plays in New York (or New Jersey, but who cares about geography). You may know them as the ones who actually win in that town. You probably haven’t heard much from them since the Jets have dominated the back pages. Oh, right, a question … hmm … Will Tom Coughlin smile at all this season?
Johnson’s Release Keeps ‘Hard Knocks’ Audience On Toes
LOS ANGELES — True reality television – and let’s be honest, what claims to be real isn’t by any stretch these days – is raw, emotional and has you on the edge of your seat. The second episode of “Hard Knocks” was reality television at its finest. Osi Umenyiora agreed. Chad Johnson, not so much.
When news broke last Saturday evening that Johnson had been arrested following a domestic dispute with his wife of a month, “reality star” Evelyn Lozada, I was shocked. Like most, I didn’t think of Johnson rolled that way. His off-field shenanigans were just that: usually playful, over-the-top, yes, but never brought true harm to anyone. He had never been arrested during his playing career so it wasn’t anything you expected.
The dispute, which depending on who you believe involved a receipt for condoms, and according to the police report, a headbutt, clearly, went too far this time and ultimately it cost him his job and probably his NFL career. At 34, Johnson is years removed from the peak of his playing days and endzone dance routines. He had a nice run with Carson Palmer in Cincinnati but completely lost it in New England last year, and early reports in Miami was he was too slow and didn’t have the hands to compete, despite its lack of wide receiver depth. One scene in Episode Two was telling for me, where the QBs were talking in their meeting about how even they didn’t know what Chad was doing half the time. David Garrard even wondered if he was getting the plays.
The NFL is a production-based league – like all sports – and if you can still perform at a high level people will continue to make excuses for your poor behavior. Johnson couldn’t and so he was let go. It’s sad, yes, because of the circumstances surrounding the release.
When the news broke, I immediately wondered how the producers would handle it. Turns out they went with some buildup talking about the other receivers and how Johnson was struggling, even dropping a sure catch in the Dolphins preseason game that Friday. Then, it happened and Joe Philbin took almost immediate action. In the room, I thought the coach handled it with class. It was obvious Chad was nervous, pensive, bewildered and knew it was coming. In fact, the director of security who talked with Chad said he was freaking out and “he may have an inkling of what’s coming.” But as someone pointed out on Twitter, he never once denied the incident, just that he’d never gotten in trouble before. “I let you down,” he told Philbin, who was not amused from the get-go with Johnson’s behavior. On the phone before the meeting, Philbin told someone, “(Johnson’s) temperament isn’t right for us.”
There was an amazing shot from the locker room of the Dolphins equipment guy cleaning out Johnson’s locker while Les Brown, the former basketball-playing finance man who’s trying to become an NFL tight end, looked on. It was telling because it appeared, almost with certainty, that Brown would be among the first Philbin cut. Alas, it was Johnson, who not only lost his job but his VH1 reality show he was filming with Lozada which was set to premiere in September. It was canceled in wake of the news.
The NFL, the ultimate reality show.
Other things I liked/noticed from this week’s episode: It’s really too bad the Chad Johnson situation overshadowed what started the episode, the tragedy involving Eagles coach Andy Reid and the passing of his son, Garrett. Philbin lost his son within the last year as tragically and knew exactly what Reid was going through. I thought that segment was well done … my man, Les Brown, got a lot of air time this week. He was the first to show up for the meeting and one coach wondered if it was because the HBO was there; “I was in here before the coaches, coach.” Too bad he didn’t see any passes come gametime … Mike Sherman = Dan Campbell = badass … poor David Garrard, who earlier said he was happy and healthy, apparently hurts his knee playing with his kids in the pool. Also, loving the Louis V man purse … It took 32 minutes before we saw Mrs. Tannehill and 39 before the Dolphins cheerleaders made an appearance. Come on, guys … The rookies’ haircuts was easily the funniest part of the first two episodes. Shaving eyebrows makes the bleach blonde hair from earlier look good. And how awesome was Philbin’s reaction to JC’s head penis? “Glad we’re such a first class organization.” Dying for the McKayla Maroney meme with the Philbin NOT IMPRESSED face … Loved the storm time lapse and the helmet in-bump before the preseason game … Offensive line coach Jim Turner’s becoming a quiet star along with Sherman, with the line of the show in reference to showing the cheerleaders’ “Call Me Maybe” video: “I saw the happy faces and the desks were up 6 inches.”
The Crossover: Ep. XXVI — JerseyChaser Returns
LOS ANGELES — Legends are born, made, fabricated, self-glossed and anointed by the media, and a giant one joined me Thursday on the latest edition of The Crossover to rain down the most knowledge you’ll hear that didn’t come out of John Tesh’s oversized mouth.
The Brosefolophogus of JerseyChaser.com brought his enormous swag puppet to the show to breakdown the biggest stories from this summer’s London Olympic Games; including the Dream Team, Michael Phelps vs. Usain Bolt, the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team, Serena Williams and more. He also explained the premise behind his Twitter (@JerseyChaser) hashtag phenomenon the #Boolympics.
vs. 
Also, with the official start of the NFL preseason, I dropped back, scanned the defense like Tom Brady and threw him some tight-spiraled football questions such as who he thinks will have the better 2012: Randy Moss, Chad Johnson or Terrell Owens?
If you thought our near internet-breaking podcast last month was epic, you won’t be able to handle this one. But check it out anyway by clicking the arrow below. Every click helps sponsor this show by making a donation to the EPMD Foundation. (Not really.) As always, thanks for listening, and spread the word!
‘Hard Knocks: Miami Dolphins’ Debuts
LOS ANGELES — When it was announced months ago the Miami Dolphins would be featured on this season of HBO’s fantastically produced preseason series “Hard Knocks” my reaction was a common one: not interested. The Dolphins are a .500 team at best with no real star power to carry a show like “Hard Knocks,” have a rookie head coach and play in a division – the AFC East – already loaded with personality and pedigree.
When teams like the Falcons, Buccaneers, Broncos and Texans all reportedly passed on being profiled this year, however, you take what you can get. And what we get is the Dolphins. But when Chad Johnson signed with Miami, the show got 10 times more interesting, even if he was invisible last year with the Patriots and his appeal has grown tired. Then Reggie Bush said he could win the rushing title, and Ryan Tannehill’s wife just happened to look like a bikini model and voila, you have compelling TV each week.
Tuesday, “Hard Knocks” debuted with an sunrise over Miami Beach two months before camp officially opened. Head coach Joe Philbin was addressing his other coaches. The b-roll while he spoke was a construction crew tearing down the existing locker room for new digs before narrator Liev Schreiber chimed in, saying, “the Miami Dolphins are in the process of an overhaul.”
An understatement, yes. And a natural transition as we go from the open to the Dolphins three quarterbacks fighting to become QB1: Matt Moore, David Garrard and Tannehill, in their homes. Moore, shown with his wife and child, played well above average in the final 9 games of last season, leading Miami to a 6-3 record while tossing 15 touchdowns and only 5 interceptions but was almost relegated immediately to third string after the signing of Garrard and the drafting of Tannehill. Garrard sat out of all of 2011 after he underwent back surgery and Tannehill, the gigantic rookie from Texas A&M only has 13 career collegiate starts under his belt and was once a wide receiver.
The biggest issue for the Dolphins as a football team entering this season is who’s going to start at quarterback. They’ve been searching the successor to Dan Marino since he retired in 1999. This offseason, Miami flirted with Matt Flynn before he signed with Seattle and were rumored to be in the Peyton Manning sweepstakes before he signed in Denver. So it’s hard not to feel for Moore when he bluntly states into the camera, “I understand there’s other guys in the running as well,” after he’s asked about the starting job. Clearly, he thinks he’s done enough to be the top guy entering camp. It’s hard to disagree with him.
Of course, the star of the first episode was Johnson, who makes his first appearance by sticking his head into a coaches only meeting and asking for a chair, saying he can’t go home until after training camp. He eventually leaves but it’s apparent he’s reverted back to the old Chad, the one who celebrated vibrantly and without abandon; not the one who failed to learn the Patriots playbook or mesh with, or learn from, the greatest quarterback of all-time. No surprising, his wife, Evelyn Lozada, was on hand for a practice and had on the biggest hoop earrings I’ve ever seen. She then proceeded to tell the story of how Chad and her met; on Twitter. Of course they did.
He did manage to drop a few good one-liners, not to mention show off his enormous pink watch he displayed while playing FIFA with Bush. On his terrible 2011 season: “last year I took a year off to give everybody a chance to catch up.” On how he knew Lozada was the one: “if you pause call of duty for someone, that’s the f—ing one.” On if he still has his once-fantastic speed: “I feel like a cheetah, I feel black.”
One of the coolest segments of any Hard Knocks season is the underdog, that player who really shouldn’t have any shot to make the team, but for one reason or another you root for. This season, that is tight end Les Brown, who hasn’t done anything athletic in two years and played basketball at Westminster College. He is this year’s Danny Woodhead, a finance guy who’s trying to play football. He’s basically Rudy. It’s clear he’s undersized and overmatched against even other rookies. He asks for another chance after getting blown up in drill. Later, in a coaches meeting, someone says Brown is a “complete liability in pass coverage and run blocking.” I’ll put his chances of making the team at 15%.
In addition to the crisp, majestic slo-mo b-roll shots that NFL Films is known for, my favorite aspect of the show are the personnel meetings. It’s that insider, backroom honesty that people love; talking about how’s rising, who’s falling and who flat out can’t play. Seeing the Dolphins meeting makes me wonder what the world class organization’s meetings – Patriots, Steelers, Giants – would be like. How amazing would a “Hard Knocks: Patriots” be?
Other things I noticed/liked from the premiere episode: the biggest fail is that it took 43 minutes to show the Dolphins cheerleaders and we only got one shot of Mrs. Tannehill … David Garrard looked pretty comfortable on water skis … Mike Pouncey getting his hair cut in the kitchen was awesome, though I could’ve done without the nose hairs close up. It was pretty cool, though, him defending Tim Tebow later during a massage … Joe Philbin towered over Chad during their sideline practice chat following Chad’s expletive-laced presser, he’s gotta be at least 6-foot-4. Also, does Philbin look a little like Joe Hagen’s (think “Godfather”) younger brother? … great framing on the shot of Tannehill signing his contract with the photo of Dan Marino in the background … Wiz Kahalifa on the soundtrack = nice.
This Week In Josh Scobee Badassery
Dare I say that 2012 will be the year of the Scobee. Yes, yes I do indeed dare. Ya’ll better recognize.
LOS ANGELES — Here at The Chris Brockman Website, we think kickers are people, too. Actually, some of the most awesome people in the NFL are kickers. OK, really only Sebastian Janikowski because of his Volkswagon thighs and ability to drink a whole sorority under the table, and Adam Vinatieri, because he does things like drill 45-yard game winners in freakin’ snowstorms and win Super Bowls. But that’s besides the point.
All bow down to the Del Greco.
Rare is a kicker so special he forces you take notice and causes copy writers to make gigantic bold headlines for something other than missing a game-winning kick. Once upon a time, that man was Al Del Greco, recognized internationally as the greatest player in NFL history. But in 2012, someone is coming for him. Someone is seeking to rip that crown from King Al’s dome. That someone: Josh Scobee.
The Jaguars hand-eye and foot-to-ball engineer known for destroying the Pro-Am competition on the links and striking the fear of Zeus into horned and furred wild animals across the globe became one of the highest paid kickers in the game on Monday, inking a 4-year, $14M contract. “There’s added pressure any time you sign a nice deal because people expect you to live up to it,” Scobee said. Off the record, he said he challenges anyone to fight him, because he’ll kill them with his hunting bow and mount their head on the wall in his mancave.
This Jacksonville dame knows who butters her toast: he who goes by Scobee.
OK, he didn’t really say that last part, but you know he was thinking it. If you needed reminding, Scobee is a badass. Not only does he kick 50-yard field goals in his sleep (or in this case, Jacksonville, which might has well be a dream state), he tweets about celebrating the signing with fried chicken. Is that the meal of someone who likes to eff around? I didn’t think so. He’s the only man who knows the real location of Bigfoot, and not that impostor Brian Wilson took as his date to the Espy’s.
So, we salute you, Josh Scobee. Keep doing you, son. And you all keep checking in once the NFL season gets underway for weekly updates on the ass Scobee has kicked and the names he has collected along the way.
Seriously, Stop Driving
Jacksonville made receiver Justin Blackmon was the 5th overall pick in this year’s NFL Draft.
LOS ANGELES — This week, another professional athlete joined the not-so exclusive, moronic but ever-growing club of celebrity DUIers; you know, the ones too dumb to call a cab, limo, school bus, agent, bicycle, hipster with a skateboard, groupie, team mascot, SOMEONE to drive them home after a night of boozing.
Justin Blackmon, newly drafted of the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Adonis-like wide receiver from Oklahoma St., recently blew a .24 (three times rhe legal limit) while driving home early last Sunday morning in Oklahoma from wherever he thought was a better place to drink than his couch. It’s Blackmon’s second arrest in the last 20 months and puts the spotlight on himself and a team in much need of a turn in the right direction after an abysmal 5-11 campaign in 2011 for all the wrong reasons. Blackmon was (and still is) supposed to be the new focal point of the Jags’ passing attack with whomever new head coach Mike Mularkey decides to trot out there at quarterback for Week 1 at Minnesota.
The Jaguars, as @AndrewPerloff of the Dan Patrick Show predicted they would on this week’s Rich Eisen Podcast, have a chance to make the playoffs in the AFC South with the Texans weaker, the Colts starting a rookie QB and Titans doing little to improve themselves this offseason. Unfortunately, it all hinges on who wins that starting QB job. It could be Blaine Gabbert, who couldn’t start in my flag football league after his performance last season, or perhaps former Dolphins starter Chad Henne, who’s coming off a season-ending injury a year ago. No matter who it is, they’re going to need Blackmon, as well as Maurice Jones-Drew, who took a beating last year and still managed to lead the NFL in rushing by over 200 yards (and he’s one of my fantasy team’s keepers next year. Cha-ching!)
Blackmon has a chance to be an immediate impact receiver but not if he keeps doing bonehead things off the field. He’ll find himself Charles Rogers’d in no time. For this latest incident he could be fined, though he’s yet to even sign his rookie contract, but it sounds like he won’t be subject to the league’s personal conduct policy. We’ll see.
But this goes to the larger point with celebrities and athletes (we sort of expect this behavior from rock stars, right? how preposterous is that?); why do they routinely get behind the wheel intoxicated when they clearly have the means to avoid situations such as these? Seriously, how stupid are these people? How many before them need to get arrested and have their reputations ruined before someone wisely decides an alternative means? I’m not saying that there aren’t some who probably do this; there might be many and we only hear about the doofuses, but come on. Former NFLer Leonard Little killed someone doing it, then went out and did it AGAIN. Same with ex-MLBer Jim Leyritz.
Just in the last month, actress Amanda Bynes got busted TWICE! And she even Tweeted to President Obama to have the arresting officer fired. Charlie Sheen. Lindsay Lohan. And on and on. That’s what’s wrong with these people; the sense of entitlement. It’s the only explanation on why it keeps happening. Look, Joe Shmoes get hammered at their local watering hole, do drugs, whatever and then drive home all the time, all over the country. It’s reckless, irresponsible and beyond dangerous. But they can’t afford car services or have “people” and “handlers” to see to their every need to ensure it doesn’t happen. So why does it?
The guise of invincibility that’s come from years and years and being told how great you are and how everything is taken care of and nothing wrong will ever happen has these people believing it, that’s why. Look, if I was one of those guys and my life was pearls and caviar for me from a very young age, once I got to be somewhat of an adult I’d pretty much do whatever the fuck I wanted, too. But I hope I’d have the wherewithal to not drive myself anywhere while and after I did it. I don’t even drink and I’d have someone drive me all over creation, even when I was bored. My gym is literally a half mile from my house and I’d call a service to take me there.
Ashton Kutcher and wife Demi Moore split last fall after his reported affair with a San Diego 20-something.
It’s hilarious to me when the public gets shocked Ashton Kutcher had sex with some 20-something, that Allen Iverson is broke and Axl Rose flips out at a show. Why do we think virtually all of celebrity relationships are dysfunctional and fail, or they go broke when their playing days or acting days or rocker days are over or have substance abuse problems? They think the party never ends and nothing sticks to them. They are never told “no” because those who should be doing the telling are invested in their success.
Only John Gotti was the Teflon Don but even he went to jail. And died there. Unfortunately, I don’t think even that will slow this culture down.
America Loves A Villain
There is no bigger villain in sports right now than boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr.
LOS ANGELES — What is it about villains that piques our interest as people? Think about your favorite movies or TV shows; all the most complex, interesting and really, best characters are the antagonists. You wouldn’t love “The Godfather” if Michael Corleone didn’t take the family business’ reigns by killing off his competition, and later, even his brother; Sonny sure wasn’t going to do it. Same with “The Sopranos.” Tony Soprano is literally one of the worst persons ever; deceiving, muderous, philandering, but did we want him to go to jail? Did we want him to die at the end. I know I didn’t.
Don Draper, Walter White, The Joker, Eric Cartman, J.R. Ewing, David Caruso in Jade; all evil and deplorable as people, yet we root for them, and if you’re honest, feel sad when they come upon bad things even though they deserve it. At its core, there’s something fun about rooting for the bad guy; the rebel dressed in black. He always walks under cool music, delivers the most memorable lines, and even if he dies in the end, we want to be them. Except Scrooge McDuck, he was just mean and had a tail.
No one is more hated in Major League Baseball than Alex Rodriguez; OK, maybe just by me.
In sports, rooting for the bad guy isn’t as easy — in fact, the easiest thing to do to HATE the bad guy — except when he’s on your team; then you see past what makes him so unlikeable (I’m looking at you, Pistons/Alex Rodriguez/Sean Avery/James Harrison fans). You don his jersey, feed his hype and make excuses for his jerkdom. Admittedly, it’s harder to be a true villain in team sports (I still contend LeBron James should’ve become the ultimate NBA villain, and in a way he sort of did but not on purpose; he still thinks he’s a good guy and wonders why he’s so disliked), but individually both being a villain and rooting for a villain is much easier.
I’ll never forgive Tiger Woods after the scandal for wanting to be liked again; being the villain on the golf course would’ve been 100-times cooler. Think about it. If you’re looking for pub, magazine covers and the ire of the crowd, nothing beats being the villain. It’s why it’s much more fun to cheer against the heel in professional wrestling.
The king on his throne, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is an perfect 42-0 as he steps into the ring Saturday against Miguel Cotto in Las Vegas.
I’ll again be rooting for the bad guy Saturday when Floyd Mayweather, Jr. steps into the ring to fight Miguel Cotto in the latest boxing “mega-fight” in Las Vegas. The two 150-pounders are set to duke it out in yet another match which doesn’t feature Manny Pacquiao and Mayweather squaring off and will probably disappointment the million-plus who purchase it for $70 on pay-per-view.
If you’ve watched any of HBO’s outstanding “24/7” leading up to the fight, or any of the program’s featuring Mayweather in recent years, or follow him on Twitter, or have read anything about him, you know what the 42-0 fighter is all about. On the show alone he’s bought $300,000 Rolls Royces, closed amusement parks for his family and friends, made six-figure sports bets, referenced dog fighting, went shopping with a backback full of cash, and unapologetically and openly taunted his opponents. He’s traded verbal assaults with his father, talked about his upcoming 90-day jail sentence, his legacy (he thinks he’s the greatest of all-time; shocking, I know), Manny Pacquaio, lit 100-dollar bills on fire, partied with Ray-J and 50 Cent and on and on. It’s amazing TV and completely unscripted. He’s selling himself and his “Money May” brand and he does it better than any athlete alive right now; he’s guaranteed $32 million from his fight vs. Cotto and possibly more.
Here’s the thing, though: I like Floyd Mayweather. I like him despite on the surface he stands for everything I’m against as a person. But as an athlete, he’s what I admire. He’s brash, unafraid (sort of, since he hasn’t yet agreed to fight Pacquiao, though the converse is true as well), extremely confident and performs on gameday with an unmatched gusto. He believes he’s never going to lose. And he hasn’t.
If Floyd Mayweather loves anything more than cash, I haven’t seen it. His nickname is “Money May,” afterall.
I want him to keep winning, too. The more Mayweather wins the more he can keep living his lifestyle and building this “Money May” persona, which means the more people will hate him, and when both he and Pacquiao finally agree to fight each other, more people will care and will shill out the cash for the pay-per-view, only making him richer. Boxing might be dying as a sport (name one heavyweight champ other an a Klitchko or big fight that didn’t include Mayweather) and if you put retired NFL players and boxers in a police lineup you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart; not to mention boxing’s concussion and brain problems leading most young Americans to choose a different sports path, but you have to respect what Mayweather has done and is doing both in and out of the ring.
He’s the last true villain and he knows it. And see him ride in on the black horse Saturday and continue to fabricate his dark legend. Don’t be afraid to cheer him. He’d rather you boo, of course, but doing so on either side will only fuel him to continue on his path away from our hearts. All part of the villain script.
Death Of An NFL Warrior
Seemingly always with a smile, Junior Seau took his own life Wednesday at his home in Oceanside, Calif.
LOS ANGELES — When athletes and celebrities die I’m always conflicted. Most often, the news is tragic (see Houston, Whitney), as it is when any life ends too soon, but in nearly all cases I didn’t know the person. I sympathize for their families, but their loss only affects me on a superficial level, as I can no longer enjoy what it is that made their family member famous in the first place. If it’s someone in the sports world, it’s the joy I get in watching them play, reading their perspectives or listening their commentary. If it’s an entertainer, it’s enjoying their movies, music or prose.
Superficial relationships. Their death hardly impacts my daily ongoings aside from pausing to reflect on what their life meant in mine. When Michael Jackson died in June of 2009, my buddy VA and I did a podcast about his music and how he’d be remembered, same when the wrestler “Macho Man” Randy Savage passed nearly a year ago. They were important to us at one time, so we stopped to think back.
Wednesday’s news was different. I learned of the death of NFL legend Junior Seau stopped at a red light, scrolling Twitter. I found it strange he was the top trending topic in Los Angeles because he hasn’t been in the news for a while now, but I guess I should’ve known what I was about to find out; Twitter’s killed more people than polio.
Seau was in good spirits at the USC Spring Game just a little more than two weeks ago.
TMZ, our nation’s leading breaking-news source (for better or worse), said that Seau had died in an apparent suicide; a gunshot would to the chest, in his Oceanside, Calif. home Wednesday morning. The website, which has enjoyed remarkable success in the last four years (since it was the first to report the death of Michael Jackson) publishing literally anything you can think of regarding the ultra-famous and self-glossed so, was first to report the news. It said Seau sent text messages to his ex-wife and three children Tuesday night and they responded as they would without concern. Police later said he was found by his girlfriend and that reviving efforts were unsuccessful.
NFL Network and ESPN held off on reporting the news until they had confirmation, which came later in a statement from the San Diego Chargers. Getting it right is more important than being first. I applaud them. Putting Seau’s crying mother on live television, however, was irresponsible and classless. No rating could ever justify taking advantage of her grief.
No. 55 was one of those NFL players who seemed to have more fun that he should on the field.
But the death of Seau is troubling and sad for so many reasons. He played 20 years in the NFL, made 12 straight Pro Bowls, led the Chargers to the Super Bowl and will be a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Being “Junior Seau, NFL linebacker” defined who he was. He was a warrior. He was the leader of his men. He was the best. Being away from that world was not easy for him, I’m guessing. Though he never appeared on the injury report as suffering from one, I’d assume he suffered numerous concussions as well as injuries, and undoubtedly, depression.
We’ll never know if that led to him taking his own life, but he’s part of a troubling trend in recent years. Seau becomes the third former player to commit suicide in the last year-plus, and the eighth member of the 1994 Chargers to have passed away unexpectedly. This post-playing depression is real and needs to be addressed. I’d venture to say that’s why Roger Goodell came down as hard as he did in the Saints Bounty scandal — four players were suspended Wednesday for their part, including Jonathan Vilma for the entire 2012 season, joining Saints coach Sean Payton on the outside looking in this year — and will continue to push for player safety, much to the dismay of James Harrison.
I had a text conversation with a friend of mine this afternoon and it was pretty telling for this day and age. He’s two years older than I and we’re both fanatics of all sports. “Sad day to be a sports fan man. Things need to change,” he said. I responded in agreement but he went on. “Never imagined myself feeling or saying it, but maybe it’s not worth it. Supposed to be entertainment. Maybe I’m getting old, but doesn’t seem worth it, knowing the degrees of damage it causes. Crazy.” I wrote, “I may never let my kid play football,” to which he said, “Nope.”
None of us want to see this game reduced to aggressive flag football, but we can’t have any more days like Wednesday. If it can happen to a consummate pro like Junior Seau, Number 55, then it’s happening to many, many more and that’s a problem. A major one. I played football growing up and in four years of high school I only remember blacking out once after a hit – it was scary and on film you can see me stumble back to the huddle. I had the chance to play Division III but didn’t want to; the potential wear and tear on my body wasn’t worth it, and I was realistic in that I’d be little more than a tackling dummy for a couple years. I’m glad I made the choice I did.
My lasting image of Seau will be a big smile, a haircut I always found strange and that enormous, exuberant, fist punch into the air he would make in the backfield after a punishing hit on a would-be play maker. Not only was he an incredible player but he did so much for the San Diego community with his charitable causes. It was touching to read the accounts of Mike Silver and Jim Trotter, national sports writers who knew him well through their years covering the league.
A man who gave everything on the field, Junio Seau, couldn’t move after losing in Super Bowl XLII.
He never won a Super Bowl title, coming oh-so close with the Patriots in 2007 and we can only hope that he’ll be a champion in death, this being a wake-up call for the entire NFL family.
That’s something I wouldn’t feel conflicted about.
The Crossover — Episode XXIII
Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, left, and Vice President John Elway, right, hope that Peyton Manning is the true savior in Denver this season. The Broncos signed Manning to a 5-year contract March 20.
LOS ANGELES — Sundays at the NFL Network are a beast all their own. The energy and buzz in the building can be felt from studio to newsroom and behind the scenes as one-by-one the games come to a close and the highlite shows go on the air. That feeling has without a doubt carried over this year into the offseason.
That’s why I was excited to finally track down my Sunday partner in crime for the last two NFL campaigns, Justine Brown, and have her on The Crossover to talk about one of the wildest weeks the NFL offseason has seen in quite some time, possibly ever. And she KILLS IT. (click here to listen)
From Peyton Manning finally deciding the location he wants to finish his career – Denver?! – to penalties levied against the Saints for their Bounty Program of the last few years to yes, wait for it, Tim Tebow being traded to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets! What could happen next is anybody’s guess and we break all that down.
Of course, Justine is a huge hoopster, so we analyze the NCAA Men’s Tournament as we hit Sweet 16 weekend, talk about the upcoming Syracuse/Wisconsin matchup and if we really think Kendall Marshall’s injury is going to derail North Carolina.
We finish up the show with a little NBA talk as we near the end of the shortened season, re-live Linsanity and wonder if Dwight Howard can really be The Man in Orlando or another franchise. To close the show, we look back on how the both us, two small-town kids, came to land in Los Angeles and find our own niche and enjoy ourselves is this crazy place.
As always, thanks for listening, and spread the word!
The Chris Brockman Website 
