Monthly Archives: July 2012
Extra Butter — The Dark Knight Rises
LOS ANGELES — Obviously, I was sickened by the tragedy in Aurora, Colo. I’ll admit, it really shook me. So much, that when Parker asked if I wanted to go to a Saturday night showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” opening weekend, I hesitated. But we did go and I greatly enjoyed the 164-minute finale of Christopher Nolan’s trilogy. It was the conclusion of an epic and triumphant superhero series by a very talented film maker. I could rave on and on, but I’m not going to. Just know it was really, really good and if you haven’t seen it by now, shame on you.
HOWEVER, there were some things that made me go Hmmmmm … And since it’s been out over a week now, here’s some that caught my eye, perhaps you saw the same.
**SPOILER ALERT** (you’ve been warned)
1.) In probably the biggest WTF in the entire film, and one that everyone keeps talking about: How in Michael Caine’s incoherent drivel did Bruce Wayne get from the back to Gotham after escaping the cave prison? Wasn’t that prison halfway around the world? Wouldn’t there have been some Bane henchman at the top waiting for him on the .00001% chance Wayne made it out? Also, we’re led to believe that a little girl could make that Super Mario Bros. leap and not a grown ass man because she didn’t fear it? AND, how did a broken back heal in 3 months with just that rope swing contraption and some pushups? That’s some Dr. Nick kind of medicine right there. Then, to top it all off, how did he get back IN to Gotham? The whole plot point centered around no one being able to LEAVE, yet he as Batman got back IN? Does he have Willie Beamen’s invisible juice on that utility belt?
2.) OK, so once Batman is back in Gotham, he just appears on the ice after Commissioner Gordon and the others are exiled to the ice: How are they able to walk in the ice!!?! Everyone exiled has fallen through the ice. Every. Single. One. And Gordon and like 5 other dudes walk out on the ice, right next to each other, I might add, and no one falls through! Then, Batman shows up on the ice and is strutting like Denzel and HE doesn’t fall through either! Speaking of Gordon, how did he survive like 5 gunshots and a log flume ride through the sewers?! I want some of whatever’s in the water in Gotham.
3.) So, I’ve had facial hair for a long time, and I know the rate at which it grows. Generally, I shave every 2-3 days depending what I have going on. If I’m going somewhere, or have to be seen, I’ll clean it up. If not, then I’ll wait an extra day or two. No big deal. Now, when a thousand cops are trapped underground for 3 months, there’s going to be a) some funky smells, b) some stupid arguments and c) some serious facial hair. Now, what do you think happened when they were finally freed? Yup, all clean shaven, just like when they were trapped. I know it’s a little thing, but c’mon. You’re supposed to be the greatest current film maker, can’t leave out something like that.
4.) OK, you’re Batman. You whoop everyone’s ass but you haven’t done anything for eight years and you’re limping. You’re hobbling worse than Joe Namath. You have a cane. Why not go to the doc and get your leg checked out at some point? No, you’ll wait a while til some caterer robs you. OK, then all of a sudden this doc gives you a knee brace and you’re able to kick through walls? Umm, where can I get one of those? And shouldn’t you have this brace on all the time? And wouldn’t you limp without it. No limp. No brace.
5.) So Bane is an absolute badass. We get it. He basically played Major League Baseball in the early 2000s with that body. But he wasn’t without flaws, same with his scenes. Obviously, his speech was hard to comprehend. I would’ve been OK with subtitles, I think. And that mask, was it electronic? If so, wouldn’t Batman’s ENP had shut that thing down during their epic fight that leads to Bane putting Batman in the prison? Prior to, Bane essentially robs the stock exchange when it opens, then a chase ensues and it’s night time. That was really confusing, or they were hacking the computer system with AOL dial up, then the morning to night made perfect sense.
6.) And that brings me to Bane’s death. Yeah, no kidding, a rocket from from Batman’s two-wheeled cruiser would take out anyone. What makes it problematic for me, is that Catwoman was behind the trigger. Look, it’s cool she got some big moment since we know Batman didn’t like to kill anyone (just knock everyone out with one punch), but didn’t you want to see him end Bane himself? And it just happens too nonchalantly is the epitome of anticlimaticism (definitely just made that word up, but you all get me.) It’s like in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” when Indiana Jones is about to sword fight the guy and then remembers he’s strapped and shoots him instead, only not cool or funny like that was, and I’m pretty sure Christian Bale didn’t have the flu that day on set like Harry Ford.
7.) Back to Commish Gordon for a second; is he dumbest police commissioner of all time? Seriously, like everyone in Gotham knows that Bruce Wayne is Batman except him. He’s supposed to be the crafty-est of the crafty, supposed to know all the tricks of the trade, supposed to read into the mind of the demented and criminal, yet he can’t figure out who the masked vigiliante is? Um, hello, it takes a really rich dude to have a car that flys. By the end of the film, I was shocked he could remember helping a young Bruce Wayne the night his parents were killed. One too many trips through the sewers, I guess.
8.) Speaking of Wayne, isn’t he still broke? Bane dying didn’t erase the fact that the muscled up villain bankrupt him, did it? So how’d he get to Italy? Presuming Selina Kyle (Catwoman) is on the FBI Most Wanted list or whatever for being an internationally known thief, how would either of them make it through customs, TSA or any airport security post? Private plane? But still, it’s not like they’re wearing disguises. The ending would’ve been better off with a shot of Alfred just nodding. Leave it open who he’s nodding to, like “Inception.”
Brockman Stamp of Approval: 4.5/5 fingerprints.
This Week In Josh Scobee Badassery
LOS ANGELES — Here at The Chris Brockman Website, we think kickers are people, too. Actually, some of the most awesome people in the NFL are kickers. OK, really only Sebastian Janikowski because of his Volkswagon thighs and ability to drink a whole sorority under the table, and Adam Vinatieri, because he does things like drill 45-yard game winners in freakin’ snowstorms and win Super Bowls. But that’s besides the point.
Rare is a kicker so special he forces you take notice and causes copy writers to make gigantic bold headlines for something other than missing a game-winning kick. Once upon a time, that man was Al Del Greco, recognized internationally as the greatest player in NFL history. But in 2012, someone is coming for him. Someone is seeking to rip that crown from King Al’s dome. That someone: Josh Scobee.
The Jaguars hand-eye and foot-to-ball engineer known for destroying the Pro-Am competition on the links and striking the fear of Zeus into horned and furred wild animals across the globe became one of the highest paid kickers in the game on Monday, inking a 4-year, $14M contract. “There’s added pressure any time you sign a nice deal because people expect you to live up to it,” Scobee said. Off the record, he said he challenges anyone to fight him, because he’ll kill them with his hunting bow and mount their head on the wall in his mancave.
OK, he didn’t really say that last part, but you know he was thinking it. If you needed reminding, Scobee is a badass. Not only does he kick 50-yard field goals in his sleep (or in this case, Jacksonville, which might has well be a dream state), he tweets about celebrating the signing with fried chicken. Is that the meal of someone who likes to eff around? I didn’t think so. He’s the only man who knows the real location of Bigfoot, and not that impostor Brian Wilson took as his date to the Espy’s.
So, we salute you, Josh Scobee. Keep doing you, son. And you all keep checking in once the NFL season gets underway for weekly updates on the ass Scobee has kicked and the names he has collected along the way.