NFL You’re The Man Rankings — Week 3
LOS ANGELES — Passionate fan bases are part of what makes sports so amazing and unique and special, but it’s not just that we are fans of our favorite teams, rather it’s how we go about cheering them on to victory that makes it so awesome. Sunday, I watched the first half of the Seahawks/49ers game at a Seattle bar and in it where about 150-200 of the most insane people I’ve ever met. Every single one of them was decked out in some kind of Seahawks’ paraphernalia, including some pretty awesome old jerseys: Steve Largent, Jon Kitna, Joey Galloway and then today’s stars, Russell Wilson, Marshawn Lynch and Sidney Rice. One of the dudes, who was in the group I was in – my friend Stacye invited me out after I told her I had to watch a game with her given how rabid she is about Pete Carroll’s crew – even had a 12th Man jersey with “U Mad Bro” on the back. Oh, and it was sleeveless.
The other thing that struck me about everyone in the bar was their decibel level. Ironic that the Q set the record for outdoor noise the same night, because it felt about 136db around me every time Wilson was shown on TV. Seriously, these people went ape nuts every time anything happened. Seattle’s tight end DROPPED a touchdown and everyone lost their mind. It was pretty awesome to be there, too bad I missed most of the scoring plays, surely I would’ve lost my hearing by then. Even on Twitter everyone is crazy about them. I posted a couple nuggets and got immediate response. Love it.
The Hawks’ beatdown of San Francisco this week was definitely as impressive as their fans’ loyalty and devotion, but was it enough to make them The Man this week?
Let’s find out.
32.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2) (32) — I wonder what Teddy Bridgewater thinks of the Jaguars helmets? Because if he doesn’t like them, you can be he’s going to pull a John Elway/Eli Manning and refuse to play for them when he’s drafted No. 1 overall less than 8 months from now. And I know no one cares about anyone else’s fantasy team, but you guys are my people, so I assume you care about mine. Well guess who got hurt Sunday for the Jags? You guessed it: EFFIN’ MAURICE JONES-DREW. I’m never taking him again. Ever. Ever.
31.) Cleveland Browns (0-2) (31) — I’ve seen “Old School” at least 150 times, no joke, and one of my favorite lines (among a hundred) is when Blue dies, and , his funeral Vince Vaughn says to Luke Wilson, “dammit, Blue was old, that’s what old people do, they die.” I feel like this is what we have to say about Brandon Weeden. Except he’s only 29. It’s just funny.
30.) Minnesota Vikings (0-2) (25) — Early Sunday a report was circulating that Bucs head coach Greg Schiano and quarterback Josh Freeman at odds and that Freeman might be traded on Tampa’s bye week. Immediately, I started seeing rumors of him going to the Vikings. I know Minnesota would do that faster than Adrian Peterson can sprint 78 yards for at touchdown, but who does Tampa want in return? Sure as hell not Christian Ponder.
29.) Tampa Bay Bucanneers (0-2) (30) — So yeah, who’s going to be quarterbacking this team a month from now? I think Vince Young and Matt Leinart are available. Also, for the second week in a row, the game was handed to them to win and they flubbed it up and got the L. That really tells you all you really need to know.
28.) Pittsburgh Steelers (0-2) (28) — It could be a long year in the Steel City. Ten points last night against the Bengals, nine the week before against the Titans. No running game. Lost their center for the year, another starter on defense.
27.) Carolina Panthers (0-2) (27) — Something’s not right with Cam Newton. Clearly, I don’t know what it is, but watching Sunday’s game, he was downright Weedenonian in the first half. Overthrowing guys by 15 yards, balls into the turf, bad sacks. He got better in the second half, but this is beginning his third year, he should be further along than this. He should be beating the Bills.
26.) New York Jets (1-1) (26) — I’ll give the Jets this: they sure played hard on Thursday and really should’ve beaten the Patriots. Geno Smith showed his rookie colors in the New England downpour and let one too many ball sail on him, but that Jets defense stymied Tom Brady the entire game, save for the opening drive. It’ll be interesting how this plays out, but Rex coached ’em up and if they can get any offense, they got a punchers chance.
25.) Oakland Raiders (1-1) (29) — For years it was so typical of the Raiders to have the most money on their team tied up in their kickers. Now it’s their fullback who’s cashing big checks. Well, Marcel Reese scored a touchdown Sunday to “justify” the pay day. And good for him. Fullbacks are people, too. And I know they played Jacksonville, but the Silver & Black’s defense didn’t look half bad.
24.) Washington Redskins (0-2) (15) — Umm… so this was Preseason Week 2, right?
23.) Buffalo Bills (1-1) (24) — Impressive win on Sunday, even though it was against the Panthers, but EJ Manuel didn’t play great – he left a lot out there despite Carolina giving him multiple chances – but he led an impressive sub-2-minute drive (got some help on a phantom PI call on Luke Kuechly) and tossed a game-winning TD pass. Once he figures out what he’s doing in this league, he’s going to be a good one. And if there’s any silver lining for my fantasy team this season (yes, I’m already thinking about next year) it’s that he LOVES throwing to Stevie Johnson. It’s only just two games in, but it appears Doug Marrone made the right move going all-in on EJ.
22.) Arizona Cardinals (1-1) (22) — Even with a hobbling Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona still managed to find a way to pull out a come-from-behind win against what looks like a pretty decent Lions team. Tryann Mathieu yet again made a big defensive play and Carson Palmer did just enough not to lose it. Not sure what to make of their running game but the Cardinals can compete with anyone.
21.) St. Louis Rams (1-1) (21) — So THAT’s how Jeff Fisher wants to use Tavon Austin. Got it. That kid might have a future in this league. I like how the Rams showed some fortitude in coming back when it appeared they were gonna get blown out by the Falcons. They play in the toughest division in football and last year went 4-1-1 in that division. There’s no reason to think they couldn’t do that again.
20.) New York Giants (0-2) (13) — David Wilson gets benched for two fumbles and Eli Manning keeps his job despite 7 interceptions. Now, I understand how the quarterback position works. There’s a lot that goes into some of those picks; deflections, bad routes, and so on. But this is not a good start for the Blue Men Group. Again. Tom Coughlin on the hot seat in 3…2…1…
19.) Indianapolis Colts (1-1) (16) — Andrew Luck’s magic couldn’t extend for a second week in a row, but T.Y. Hilton showed why many raved about him in the preseason, hauling in 6 passes for 124 yards. This is a tricky team to get. The Colts won a lot of games last year in the closing minutes. Has their good fortune run out?
18.) Detroit Lions (1-1) (19) — Every time I watch Matthew Stafford throw the ball I’m reminded of how I must’ve looked growing up playing pick-up football in the field behind our house in the Coast Guard housing complex. Just slinging it from all angles. And is anyone else concerned that Reggie Bush is already ailing in a few different places?
17.) Baltimore Ravens (1-1) (14) — Still getting the champions discount, this Ravens team is a funny one. Struggled to beat the Browns on the day they raised the banner, no great offensive go-to guy outside of Ray Rice, who’s banged up. A defense without an identity. Good thing John Harbaugh is a helluva coach.
16.) Philadelphia Eagles (1-1) (10) — Michael Vick had another outstanding offensive game (guy in my fantasy league has him AND Peyton Manning, as if that’s fair). As did DeSean Jackson. But that defense gave up a boatload of points, that’s what would concern me moving forward. Really excited for Thursday’s game against the Chiefs, ya know, that team coached by Andy Reid.
15.) San Diego Chargers (1-1) (23) — The Chargers are one of those teams who should be undefeated, but alas, they’ve looked much better than most expected to start. Philip Rivers seems to have fixed what’s been ailing him the last two seasons. Still without a run game, he’s really doing it all on his own. To beat an Eagles team on the road in the early east coast game was damn impressive.
14.) Dallas Cowboys (1-1) (7) — Dallas has never lost a game when DeMarco Murray rushes 20-or-more times, but yet he only had 12 carries in Week 2 after 21 in Week 1; a win. We’ll see if he gets the rock this Sunday. Nice of Dez Bryant have himself a game, and you can see how he can affect a game when he’s ballin’. Also another good game from that Cowboys defense.
13.) Tennessee Titans (1-1) (20) — It’s crazy to think about a team like Tennessee, which everyone was writing off heading into the season, is a play away from being 2-0. Chris Johnson has 50 carries through the first two games and appears to be his old self. Jake Locker isn’t playing competently, and this defense appears tough, despite giving up the lead to Houston.
12.) Miami Dolphins (2-0) (18) — Maybe I should’ve kept Mike Wallace in fantasy after all, as dude blew up to help the Dolphins to a surprise start and take out the Colts on the road. Now they head home and host the Falcons with a chance to lead the AFC East for the first time since they won the division back in 2008. Warren Sapp said Lauren Tannehill’s husband was going to break Dan Marino’s team passing record and he’s on his way.
11.) Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) (17) — We kinda figured the Jaguars weren’t that good, so it was tough to judge just what we had with the Chiefs after Week 1, but after a Week 2 home win against Dallas, I’m a Chiefs believer. Alex Smith has been solid, the defense is flying around, and Jamaal Charles is running hard. I’m happy for Andy Reid and all the rib places in K.C.
10.) Atlanta Falcons (1-1) (6) — Matt Ryan is ballin’ out of control right now, but the big question is can his line keep the $100M man upright, especially now that Steven Jackson is out a couple weeks with a soft tissue injury. Roddy White’s health is a concern but if he can get healthy and Tony Gonzalez keeps playing his way into shape, there’s no stopping this offense.
9.) Cincinnati Bengals (1-1) (4) — I still need to see more out of Andy Dalton. He missed some easy throws Monday night against Pittsburgh but that defense was strong and Gio Bernard looked like a mini-Ray Rice out there. That Bengals defense is stingy, too. Pacman is playing some solid corner. Oh, and I know they won and dropped a few places, but that an adjustment since I had them over-rated a bit last week.
8.) New England Patriots (2-0) (5) — You know what, if I was Tom Brady, and believe me, I’ve thought about what that would be like, I’d be yelling too at everyone on the sideline, in the stands, on Twitter, if my receivers dropped balls like his did. Julian Edelman is the Patriots No. 1 option. Think about that for a second. Go ahead. I’ll wait … if you’re a Patriots fan, I’d be worried. Unbeaten or not.
7.) Houston Texans (2-0) (11) — What was the stat I saw, the Texans are the first team in NFL history to win their first two games of a season on the last play of the game. Think about that, and the handful of teams who could have their records reversed if one or two things went differently. Matt Schaub looks good so far and DeAndre Hopkins looks like the real deal after this game-winning TD grab (possibly the lone bright spot on my fantasy squad?). And not sure if you saw J.J. Watt on “The League” the last two weeks, but pretty hilarious stuff. As always.
6.) New Orleans Saints (2-0) (12) — The Saints had the worst defense in the NFL last season and so that led Marshall Faulk to make a bold prediction that they would be Top 5 by the end of the year. Currently, after two games, they are 11th. Subsequently, they are undefeated. These two items are not unrelated.
5.) Green Bay Packers (1-1) (8) — You think Aaron Rodgers was sick of hearing about all these young quarterbacks taking over the league? Especially when one of them was coming to his house? How’s almost 400 yards in the first half taste? Granted, me, Rich and Law and a few of the other NFL Media folks could probably score 30 on the Redskins, but damn, Aaron Rodgers can sling it. Now, the Pack just needs to play some defense and this is once again a legit Super Bowl contender.
4.) San Francisco 49ers (1-1) (1) — It’s safe to say none of us saw that Sunday night stinkfest coming out of the 49ers. That was a beatdown to the Nth degree. Anquan Boldin was held to one catch after turning the clock way back in Game 1 and Colin Kaepernick looked nothing like the superstar he showed himself to be against the Packers. It’s also worth nothing that no one wins in Seattle, so I wouldn’t be too worried.
3.) Chicago Bears (2-0) (9) — Could this really be the new Jay Cutler? Not getting sacked, throwing game-winning TD passes and generally acting like the opposite of the football player we know him to be. We’ve seen this act before out of the Bears; fast start, looking like a playoff team, then Cutler gets hurt and Bears fall apart. I wanna see some consistency. A win against Pittsburgh would be a nice proving ground.
2.) Denver Broncos (2-0) (2) — Wait. Peyton Manning just threw another touchdown pass. He’s pretty good.
1.) Seattle Seahawks (2-0) (3) — If Seattle gets homefield in the NFC, it’s going to the Super Bowl. There’s no bones about it. The Seahawks can’t lose there. When it’s that loud and Beast Mode is running like he’s on a Skittles high and First Name Russell, Last Name Wilson is throwing darts and the Legion of Boom is lowering the hammer. Shoot. No wonder Pete Carroll is always smiling.
NFL “You’re The Man” Rankings — Week 13
LOS ANGELES — Can’t believe it’s Week 13 already. Seems like Hard Knocks just ended and we were getting ready for Dallas and New York to kickoff on the Wednesday Night opener. Nope. Twelve weeks down. Only 10 remain. Who’s the Super Bowl favorite? Beats me. Who’s MVP? Your guess is as good as mine. Coach of the Year, who’s getting fired, your fantasy football league champ? Color me clueless.
One thing is known, though, who’s the Man. Let’s find out.
32.) Kansas City Chiefs (record: 1-10) (last week: 32) — So who’s going to be coaching the Chiefs next year? Chip Kelly? Bill O’Brien? Bill Cowher? And who’s going to be the quarterback? Now that Matt Barkley’s stock has fallen, is it Tyler Wilson from Arkansas? Alex Smith? Blaine Gabbert? Tim Tebow? Kevin Kolb? Michael Vick?
31.) Arizona Cardinals (4-7) (26) — Losers of 7 straight don’t get mentions in this column.
30.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-8) (28) — See #31.
29.) New York Jets (4-7) (27) — The biggest news to come out of Jets camp this week: Tim Tebow jersey sales down! Oh no!
28.) Oakland Raiders (3-8) (23) — When the Raiders play the Browns this week, do you think Carson Palmer and Brandon Weeden have a side bet of who’s going to throw the first Pick 6? Because they should.
27.) Cleveland Browns (3-8) (30) — See #28.
26.) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9) (31) — Chris Law is jealous of Chad Henne’s Mo-vember ‘stache. And that’s saying something.
25.) Carolina Panthers (3-8) (29) –– Hey, Cam Newton, you actually won a game, so doing your whole Superman TD celebration actually made sense for once! Congrats!
24.) Tennessee Titans (4-7) (20) — Nate Washington has been in my fantasy starting lineup for a majority of the season. That should tell you all you need to know about the Titans and the Colt .45 Hollywood Bandits.
23.) Buffalo Bills (4-7) (24) — Did you catch the Amish Rifle on “The League” a couple weeks ago? That was far and away his best performance of the season. Oof.
22.) San Diego Chargers (4-7) (19) — There are several famous sport plays where things have yet to be finalized: Albert Pujols’ ball he hit off Brad Lidge still hasn’t landed, Matt Holiday still hasn’t touched home plate, Bo Jackson still hasn’t stopped running and Ray Rice still hasn’t crossed the 34-yard line. Still, they should show that 4th and 29 play to high schools across the country and how NOT to tackle someone.
21.) St. Louis Rams (4-6-1) (22) — Alert to all fantasy football owners: Steven Jackson had 100 yards! Steven Jackson had 100 yards! Only the 2nd time all season.
20.) Miami Dolphins (5-6) (25) — When you watched Hard Knocks at the end of the summer, was there any shot you thought you’d be watching a 5-win, on-the-verge-of-the-playoffs team? Didn’t think so.
19.) Detroit Lions (4-7) (18) — Yes, the Lions got semi-hosed on Thanksgiving. Yes, Jim Schwartz should know the rules. Yes, Ndamukong Suh is driving his way out of the league.
18.) Dallas Cowboys (5-6) (16) — I can’t wait until these guys are sinking and the national media can stop talking about them. However, with a matchup with the hapless Eagles in Week 13, which will get Dallas to .500, we’re not out of the woods just yet. Sigh.
17.) Minnesota Vikings (6-5) (15) — Hey, Jimmy, how you feelin’ about your boys now: “You know it’s a bad day when the punt holder scores on you … I think we have 13 total yards this half … My team is so bad today that Fox switched games at the half … I can wait another year for a Super Bowl appearance.”
16.) Cincinnati Bengals (6-5) (17) — This is a team I’d be afraid to play down the stretch, along with the Bucs. Andy Dalton is quietly having himself another Pro Bowl season.
15.) New Orleans Saints (5-6) (12) — Losing last weekend really hurts the Saints playoff chances, but a win against Atlanta would certainly keep them in the mix. But they don’t play any defense, which is kind of a problem in the NFL, unless you’re the Patriots. And how Marques Colston got up after getting upended like he did, I’ll never know.
14.) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5) (10) — It baffles me that Pittsburgh didn’t call or David Garrard or Donovan McNabb to fill in at quarterback while Ben Roethlisberger is out. Maybe they did, and we don’t know it, but I feel like that report would’ve gotten out. You can’t roll with Byron Leftwich and Charlie Batch. You can’t. Not when you still have a shot to win the Super Bowl
13.) Seattle Seahawks (6-5) (11) — Let’s see how good that Seahawks defense is when it has to go on the road (Chicago) and defend a red hot Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall without their two best defensive backs. Guessing Seattle falls by the wayside.
12.) Washington Redskins (5-6) (21) — I mean seriously, Robert Griffin The Third, if ya need him. So all My Good Friend Robert did on Thursday was annihilate the Cowboys, at JonesMahal, on Thanksgiving, in front of America. AND he did it by becoming the first rookie quarterback EVER to throw 4 TDs in consecutive games. NBD. I said it before and I’ll say it again, you are NOT changing the channel when the Redskins have the ball. EVER. I love caps lock.
11.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-5) (9) — Are the Bucs the best of the 6-5 and 5-6 group? I’d say so, though if you can’t defend the home turf against a division rival, maybe you don’t deserve to make the playoffs. That was a tough one to lose, especially when you’re looking up at the Falcons. But two of these teams are going to be playing in January. My hunch is Tampa is there.
10.) Indianapolis Colts (7-4) (13) — Who’s making whom better this season: Andrew Luck or Reggie Wayne? Little of each, right? And to think, we all laughed at Reggie when he announced he was re-upping with the Colts for two more years. Insane! We all said. Who’s laughing now. Colts, back in the playoffs (almost). Crazy. And if they play Denver? Twitter might break.
9.) Green Bay Packers (7-4) (2) — “Paging someone who can block for Aaron Rodgers. Anyone out there who can block for Aaron Rodgers. Please report to Green Bay, Wisconsin immediately. We have a jersey waiting for you.”
8.) New York Giants (7-4) (14) — Man, where has THAT Giants team been all season?! That sure was something on Sunday night. Guess Eli really needed that bye week to rest his dead arm, and the defensive line needed some time off to hone their hunting skills. Sure, the Packers offensive line is about as good as a group of 7th graders, but Green Bay had been rolling lately and New York made it look like chumps. I may have to amend my Super Bowl pick.
7.) Baltimore Ravens (9-2) (7) — Nothing about this Ravens team inspires me. They are ripe for a Divisional Round upset to the Colts.
6.) Chicago Bears (8-3) (8) — Should Jay Cutler be in the MVP discussion? The stats are telling.: 1-6 without him in the last two years, 15-5 with him. Despite his hideous mustache, bro balled out this past weekend and has put himself in the Top 5.
5.) Denver Broncos (8-3) (6) — Is Denver the best team in the NFL? Not yet. But they are playing like it. Pretty unconvincing win against the hapless Chiefs for the best team in the league. That game should’ve been a boat race, but it wasn’t. Still, Peyton Manning is the MVP until someone rips it from him. Arian Foster has a chance. Outside chance.
4.) San Francisco 49ers (8-2-1) (5) — It’s hilarious to me that every former coach-turned-analyst on television right now is saying that Jim Harbaugh is doing the right thing by sticking with Colin Kaepernick, while every player is saying that Alex Smith is getting a raw deal and should get his job back. I’m not saying Smith isn’t a good player, but hell, what CK is doing can’t be duplicated.
3.) Atlanta Falcons (10-1) (4) — There’s a lot of people talking trash about the Falcons; calling them the worst one-loss team this late in the season in quite some time. Well, they’ve won 10 of their 11 games. Whether it was by one point, or 100 points, they’ve done it. Matt Ryan throws 5 picks? No worries, they still win. No running game? They still win. Still, people won’t be satisfied until Ryan and Mike Smith win a playoff game.
2.) New England Patriots (8-3) (3) — Can’t tell you how enjoyable that Thanksgiving Day game was to watch. When this Patriots team has it cookin’ on all cylinders they are a fun group to watch. And say what you want, but if you don’t want Tom Brady out there up 30 points throwing darts downfield, stop him. Just really hope they don’t look past Miami this week toward that Monday Night showdown with the Texans in Week 14.
1.) Houston Texans (10-1) (1) — To play 10 quarters of football in roughly 4-and-a-half days, wow, and to win both games (albeit a tad controversially), hell, that’s enough to make you The Man.
2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 7
LOS ANGELES — With a third of the regular season down we have exactly one undefeated team (Atlanta) and no longer any winless ones (thanks, Cleveland), and here’s what we know in the National. Football. League.
I’m not convinced any team is great but there’s at least eight teams who are terrible, that’s for certain. The NFL is very medium-heavy right now. There’s at least 10 teams that could be Super Bowl contenders but every single one is missing something to put them over the top or in the driver’s seat.
Oh, and did anyone notice that neither the 49ers or Giants wore any pink on Sunday? Kinda strange given that the league is so gung-ho on it. More on the pink phenomenon next week. Let’s find out who’s the man.
32.) Kansas City Chiefs (record: 1-5) (last week: 30) — Hey, all you fans who were booing Matt Cassel last week, which basically means you were clamoring for Brady Quinn, how’d that 22-of-38, 180-yard, 2-interception performance from the former EAS spokesman taste? Did I mention that you lost 38-10 and Quinn had a 48.7 Passer Rating? You’re on your way to the No. 1 pick, your coach getting fired and at least another 3 years before another playoff game. Now you’re done.
31.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) (32) — The best part about the bye week: moving up a spot when someone proves themselves crappier than you. And because I know you were all wondering, my Maurice Jones-Drew fill-in this week in fantasy, Mr. Brandon Bolden, got me a whopping 28 yards rushing for 1.87 points. #FreeMJD
30.) Carolina Panthers (1-4) (27) — It’s probably a good thing the Panthers had a bye this week or they might have fallen to the bottom of these rankings with another stink bomb of a showing. Seriously, I couldn’t be any lower on this team. Just showing me nothing. And DeAngelo Williams says something about his terrible game in Week 5 and how that shows fantasy owners how they could never be real GMs. Sheesh. Get a life, bro.
29.) Tennessee Titans (2-4) (31) — Not only did I pick the Titans to win last Thursday because I was pulling for my brother and knew that if Tennessee pulled the upset he’d be the best possible postgame, on-set guest, but Matt Hasselbeck then went out and delivered! Couldn’t have been happier for handsome, bald men everywhere. And how great was his son on the set? I seriously thought he was going to decapitate that poor, throwback Kurt Warner bobblehead.
28.) Cleveland Browns (1-5) (29) — What did I tell you last week? I said the Browns, while winless, could at least put points on the board, and therefore should not and would not be ranked last in this poll. And how did they respond? Only went out and made me look good by dropping 34 on the Bengals at home for their first win of the season. And happy 67th birthday Brandon Weeden! Went out and threw for a couple of touchdowns, including a 71-yarder to Josh Gordon.
27.) Oakland Raiders (1-4) (28) — As I explained to Jantzen on Sunday night, Carson Palmer is probably the best bad player in the league who’s actually not that terrible, but he stinks. The thing is, if you think about all of that put together, it makes total sense. The Raiders really should’ve upset the Falcons on Sunday but shot themselves in the foot on numerous occasions. Palmer threw for 353 yards but had a costly pick six in a tie game, then came down and led a game-tying drive. One minute he’s great, the next he’s bad and then he’s great and then he’s bad again. Plus, if the Raiders defense could stop anyone or get to the quarterback (4 sacks) they’d have more than 1 win. I don’t think they’re that far off.
26.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-3) (15) — It’s official: this Eagles team is garbage and Michael Vick should be benched and Andy Reid fired. That’s whatevery Philly fan is saying this week. And lo and behold, Reid ousted Juan Castillo. Right, because it’s his fault the offense is terrible (27th in scoring). I guess the Eagles 12th ranked defense was too low. Sheesh. Though 30th in sacks is kind of inexcusable. Who knows. This is a one-win team disguised at .500.
25.) Buffalo Bills (3-3) (26) — I honestly have no idea how Buffalo won in Arizona last weekend and I’m not convinced they’re any good. In fact, let me ask my huge Bills fan buddy, Shawn. Me: “how would you assess the Bills at this point?” Him: “Crap… Being a Bills fan is a complete waste of time.” That settles it.
24.) Detroit Lions (2-3) (24) — Anyone else think it’s hilarious that Nate Burelson said the Lions have been too busy trying to better off the field that they’ve gotten too nice on it. Yeah, that’s not the problem, Nate. The problem is that your coach is an a-hole, Matthew Stafford is 24th in Passer Rating and Yds/Attempt and 17th in completion %, and your offense is 18th in scoring despite being 2nd in total yards. You can’t win if you can’t score. And you can’t score if Calvin Johnson has only 1 touchdown.
23.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3) (25) — Sure, the Bucs beatdown the Chiefs last week, who are a catastrophe of an organization right now, but it was still nice to see them handle their business against a team they should. Josh Freeman had his best game of the season (328 yards, 3 TD, INT) and we had a Mike Williams sighting for the second straight game.
22.) Indianapolis Colts (2-3) (18) — Gotta be honest, didn’t see Sunday’s disaster against the Jets coming. Sure, like most, I expected a bit of a letdown after the emotional comeback against Green Bay in Week 5, but that was a legitimate stinkfest against the Jets. It was by far Andrew Luck’s worst game as a pro (3 turnovers, 0 TDs, 51.3 Passer Rating) and Indy’s 3rd ranked defense made Mark Sanchez and Co. look like superstars, which we all know, they are not.
21.) New York Jets (3-3) (23) — If the Jets beat the Patriots this week, I’ll hunt down Roger Lodge and shave his head on the Jim Rome show.
20.) New Orleans Saints (1-4) (22) — Is it possible the Saints come out of their bye week and go on a run and make some noise in the December playoff race? Sure. That’s possible. However, look at the schedule: 2 with the Bucs and Falcons, Broncos, 49ers, Giants, Cowboys, Eagles. Yeah, that’s tough.
19.) Dallas Cowboys (2-3) (20) — I honestly don’t know what to do about the Cowboys. But I do know that Dez Bryant can’t blame the side judge for him dropping the game-tying 2-point conversion. You’re having a career day buddy, cap it off with a great play to keep your team alive. And I’m guessing those 24-hour a day bodyguards Jerry Jones is making you pay for are working?
18.) St. Louis Rams (3-3) (17) — Brandon Gibson, Chris Givens, Austin Pettis and Brian Quick. No, they’re not the members of the newest boyband sweeping the pop music scene, they’re Sam Bradford’s “weapons” at wide receiver. Though I do like the rookie Daryl Richardson in the backfield. Looked nice last week with 99 total yards.
17.) Cincinnati Bengals (3-3) (12) — The Bengals freefall continues. No excuse to lose to the Browns if you want to be taken seriously as an AFC contender. None. What. So. Ever. And I know I said this a couple weeks ago, but A.J. Green just continues to make the impossible possible. He’s hands down the best receiver in the NFL right now. Imagine if he had someone other than the Red Rocket throwing him the ball, too. Scary, scary thought.
16.) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-3) (8) — I love Matt Hasselbeck, that is pretty well documented, but the Steelers should not have lost that game last Thursday to the Titans. It appears the injuries are finally catching up with Pittsburgh. Between Polamalu, Harrison and Woodley, and Mendenhall the defense is battered and the running game is inconsistent. Ben Roethsliberger has to sling it all over the yard and that’s not a recipe for success.
15.) Miami Dolphins (3-3) (21) — Not sure why, but I’m starting to like this Dolphins team. And just think, 7 weeks ago they were at the bottom and I was geared up for a season of Lauren Tannehill picture posts and now, while near the bottom of the league in total offense (22nd) and defense (27th), they’re at .500 and a couple of Dan Carpenter field goals from being 5-1.
14.) San Diego Chargers (3-3) (10) — What’s great about the Chargers is they’re good enough to build a 24-0 lead against a quality team like Denver, appear to have it all working, and then in the blink of an eye (or in this case a 12-minute halftime), bad enough to go out and give up 35 straight and fuel talks of their coach getting fired and how their QB hasn’t played well in 18 months. At least Antonio Gates is playing well again.
13.) Arizona Cardinals (4-2) (14) — Consecutive losses. The QB you wanted, then didn’t want but were forced to start anyway is now out for a while after his ribs got separated from torso which leaves with the guy you didn’t want at first, then wanted but couldn’t play because HE got hurt. But hey, at least SOMEONE is passing the ball to Larry Fitzgerald (5 catches in his first 2 games, 31 in the last 4), which has led me to the decision to temporarily suspend the #FreeFitz campaign.
11.) Minnesota Vikings (4-2) (7) — My buddy Slade, a huge Redskins fan, was shocked I picked the Vikings last week and dutifully rubbed it in my face Sunday night. Likewise, friend of the website Jimmy had this to say: “Looking like the ViQueens of last year … yup, we are the ViQueens this week … it’s ok, 14-2 will take the division and give us home field.” Ah, sure.
12.) Washington Redskins (3-3) (19) — Remember when I asked if you’d change the channel whenever Robert Griffin had the ball? How about now after that 76-yard touchdown run and Landover Leap? I’m shocked My Good Friend Robert played in the first place after that hit he took by Sean Weatherspoon of the Falcons (and no shock the league is investigating the Redskins handling of the situation), let alone pulled that ridiculous run off. Been beyond impressed with this kid so far. And I’ll say this every week: hope he keeps it smart and stays on the field.
10.) Denver Broncos (3-3) (13) — That was some Peyton Manning performance in the second half in San Diego, wasn’t it? It was hilarious scrolling Twitter during the first half, with everyone throwing the dirt on his grave, and then in the second half, when everyone was singing his praises. Twitter is great like that. He looked good, no doubt, but let’s not forget the Chargers totally pissed down their own leg and virtually gave it Denver. I’ll say it now: no way the Broncos win a playoff game.
9.) New England Patriots (3-3) (4) — Are the Patriots the best 3-3 team ever? Perhaps. But this goes back to last season, where they reached the Super Bowl despite having the 31st ranked defense; you can’t rely on Brady and Co. to carry you each week because you’re going to play a pesky team like the Seahawks at their place and have dumb mistakes cost you. Seriously, that game should’ve been a 3 or 4 score game in the 4th Quarter and there wouldn’t have been any chance for Russell Wilson late-game heroics. The way New England consistently gives up big plays in the secondary show how much Belichick has blown it in the Draft in recent years.
8.) Seattle Seahawks (4-2) (16) — I still have the Seahawks behind the 49ers because I don’t trust Russell Wilson, but damn that was a great throw to beat the Patriots, wasn’t it? As the ball was hurtling through the cold, wet, northwest air I knew where it would land. And wouldn’t you know Sidney Rice was behind the inept Patriots secondary. Oh, and yes, I realize I lost the bet with the Schaffers and “boat race” will not be appearing on The League this season. Such a sad moment for catchphrase pushers everywhere.
7.) San Francisco 49ers (4-2) (2) — After outscoring opponents 79-3 in their previous two games, the 49ers got boatraced by the Giants 26-3 on Sunday in a rematch of the 2011 NFC Championship game. This was telling from San Fran’s perspective. Complete no-show at home with the national TV audience. That’s two games now where this has happened. Real confusing. Not sure what to make of this. Oh, right, it’s Joe Buck’s fault.
6.) Houston Texans (5-1) (3) — Everyone talked about how the Texans really didn’t play anyone through their first fives games; really, they just beat the Broncos, when you think about it. Well, they got their chance on the big stage Sunday night and showed the NFL world what they’re made of. They might has well been playing two-hand touch on the set of “Hey, Dude!” And I know you love it when I talk about my fantasy team, but I was down 22 and change with Arian Foster and the Texans Defense going into Monday night and ended up winning thanks to that B.S. blocked punt and TD with 5:30 left.
5.) New York Giants (4-2) (11) — This could be the best team in football and they’d be higher if I didn’t think they weren’t capable of laying an ostrich egg against the Redskins this weekend. I’ve never seen a team in recent memory play to the level of their opponent more than the Giants. Eli Manning is an absolutely G. The defense remains their biggest question mark. If the 49ers had a better offense I’d be more impressed by holding them to 3 points. Stopping my Good Friend Robert on Sunday will be a good measuring stick.
4.) Green Bay Packers (3-3) (9) — You just know Aaron Rodgers read every last word written about how he and the Packers offense were out of sync, would never capture that 2011 magic again, etc. and then he came out and said Eff You, Guys, I’m Still James Bond Here. How many fantasy owners out there had Rodgers AND Nelson going. How’d that taste?
3.) Chicago Bears (4-1) (5) — There were so many sack/fumbles and Pick 6’s this week I had to double check the schedule to make sure the Bears had a bye. But yup, exactly zero of those were a result of Jay Cutler flashing that patented false bravado and doing something stupid. Weird. Could’ve sworn he was involved.
2.) Baltimore Ravens (5-1) (6) — Yes, the loss of Ray Lewis is a big one. Any time your heart and soul isn’t out on the field, it’s a blow, but losing Ladarius Webb will prove more costly. You may have heard this, but the NFL is a passing league and if you can’t stop the pass, you’re in big trouble (ask the Patriots). Onus on Joe Flacco more now than ever.
1.) Atlanta Falcons (6-0) (1) — Was this week our first sign of chinks in the Matty Ice MVP armor? I’d say so. His first two interceptions Sunday were bad throws and the third he just got lit up and it floated like a wounded quail. However, it says a lot that in these games where he’s played poorly, or the team has trailed in the 4th quarter, that he’s brought them back and won the game or put them in position for a winning field goal. That’s what you call onions and the foundation of an MVP season.
2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 6
LOS ANGELES — Admit it, as you got ready for Monday Night Football this week and went through your normal routine of reading online articles, scrolling Twitter and watching pregame shoes you came across the nugget that it was 666th editing of MNF. And as you let that sink in, it also dawned on you that Monday’s game was to feature one Tim Tebow. And knowing what we know about Tim Tebow you thought to yourself: “hmm… something screwy might happen tonight.”
It was then, I came to the slow realization that I would not complete an epic fantasy football comeback (down 48 with Arian Foster and the Texans defense) and that yes, something screwy is DEFINITELY going to happen tonight. Well, we were all duped. Yes, the Jets were in the game, but it had nothing to do with anything Tim Tebow did, which sucks. Rex Ryan totally deprived us of a classic Tebow moment when, down 6 and with the ball with 3:28 to go Mark Sanchez trotted out under center and naturally he didn’t do jack and the Texans won.
Seriously, how great would that last drive have been if it was all Tebow? No doubt he would’ve found a way to win the game and implode Twitter all at the same time.
While God Blesses you, let’s find out who’s the man.
32.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) (31) — Did you know in the last two games Maurice Jones-Drew has 25 total carries, while Blaine Gabbert has thrown it 77 times, with three of those landing into the hands of the Jaguars opponents? No, it’s true. I looked it up. That ratio seems kinda off kilter to me. Hopefully during the bye week Mike Mularkey can get that ironed out. #FreeMJD
31.) Tennessee Titans (1-4) (30) — Chris Johnson is proving to be that girl you grew up with who always talked the talked but never walked the walk when walking was required, if ya know what I mean. Either do something or shut the hell up. And I feel for my brother Matt Hasselbeck. He’s not getting ANY help out there. At he’s still handsome as f–k.
30.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-4) (28) — Eric Winston is my new favorite player in the NFL. Kudos for standing up for your quarterback and everyone in the NFL. Having said that, the fans still have a right to boo. Doesn’t make it right or make them tasteful for doing it.
29.) Cleveland Browns (0-5) (32) — You may be looking at this list and wondering how a winless team is not ranked as the worst team. If not, then you and I are on the same page. I think of it like this, at least the Browns CAN score and have proven they have the ability to put the ball in the end zone. After 5 games they have 100 points, which is more than the 1-win Chiefs (94), Titans (88) and Jaguars (65). Trent Richardson is proving he’s past the knee problems.
28.) Oakland Raiders (1-3) (29) — There’s a good chance I may only have the Raiders this high because I picked up Carson Palmer on my fantasy team for a bye-week replacement for Matt Ryan in Week 7. Maybe. #FreeDMC
27.) Carolina Panthers (1-4) (24) — I wasn’t buying the “What’s Wrong With Cam?” headlines after Week 2, but five weeks is a good enough sample size to start wondering what’s going on with him. Newton is 17th in the NFL in yards, 20th in Passer Rating, has just 4 TD passes and has been sacked 13 times. Not exactly Superman efforts.
26.) Buffalo Bills (2-3) (19) — I hope Matt Barkley owns some winter clothes, knows how to operate a wood stove and can drive in the snow, because those Buffalo winters are FRIGID!! Seriously, it’s time to set the Ryan Fitzpatrick (1,057yds, 12TD, 8INT) ship out to sea blazen with that green stuff from Game Of Thrones. All that’s missing is Braun launching the flaming arrow into Lake Erie.
25.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3) (26) — The best thing that could’ve happened for the Bucs was that they were off last week, which means their coach couldn’t do something stupid and their players couldn’t poorly execute his stupid decisions. I want to like this Tampa Bay team. And with the Chiefs coming to town, it better get a win if it wants any shot at the postseason.
24.) Detroit Lions (1-3) (25) — Ya know, every year Maloney and I wonder who’s the first coach to get fired. It’s a fun little game we play and he always says it’s Lovie Smith and I try to really think about it. Well, the Bears are 4-1 so it won’t be him, but maybe it’s time to ask: is Jim Schwartz on the hot seat?
23.) New York Jets (2-3) (22) — I posted on Twitter during the game Monday how the Jets are who we thought and the Texans needed adjusting. Then someone said how I should give the Jets some credit. Credit for what? Showing up for a Monday Night Football game? So I should get credit for showing up to work today? It’s like that Chris Rock sketch about Ns and black people. Ns always trying to take credit for stuff they’re SUPPOSED to do. I would hope you’d come out and play during a nationally televised game. I would hope. God Bless.
22.) New Orleans Saints (1-4) (27) — Drew Brees throwing a touchdown pass Monday night was as likely to occur as me pulling up for 3 on a fast break in pickup basketball on Saturday. But, what made that record special was that it was caught by #19, since that was Johnny U’s number AND his son Joe being in attendance. However, this record doesn’t impress me that much given how advanced today’s passing games are and how easy it is for receivers. What’s more impressive in regards to Brees, is his longevity and consistency.
21.) Miami Dolphins (2-3) (23) — When watching “Hard Knocks” earlier this summer, I didn’t even think this Dolphins team would get to 2 wins for the season, let alone after 5 weeks of the NFL year. It’s clear that starting Lauren Tannehill’s husband and cutting Chad Johnson were the right moves. However, would like to see some more defense before they climb out of the 20s.
20.) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) (17) — Jerry Jones and I have nothing in common. He’s a billionaire. I’m a thousandaire. He owns Texas. I’ve been there once. He likes plastic surgery. I have still a scar on my back from falling out of an avocado tree earlier this spring. However, we both have this going for us: we’ll be on the Season 4 Premiere of the FX fantasy football comedy “The League” this Thursday at 10:30pm ET. Tune in.
19.) Washington Redskins (2-3) (16) — I’m not saying I saw the Robert Griffin injury coming, but when he rounded the corner I braced myself for a collision from my couch. And when he got hit, I knew he wouldn’t be getting up and returning to the game. You can’t keep playing with a reckless abandon and live to see the next week. There’s a reason Michael Vick has played just ONE full season in his 9-year career. Slide. Run out of bounds. Throw it away. Do something other than get KTFO.
18.) Indianapolis Colts (2-2) (21) — You wanna know why I love sports? For moments like what happened in the second half of the Colts/Packers game. Indy had no business being in that game on Sunday. Down 21-3 at halftime. That baby was over. But strange things happen when other forces are at work. You think the Raiders winning last year a couple days after Al Davis died as a coincidence? Brett Favre going ape balls the day after his dad passed away. Sports are crazy man. I love them. #ChuckStrong
17.) St. Louis Rams (3-2) (20) — Wow, that was some defensive performance last week. Now, I probably could’ve probably went all Reggie White against that Arizona offensive line but still, I was impressed. Tough break for Wes Welker Lite 2.0, Danny Amendola, who was killing it in PPR fantasy leagues. Some guys are just injury prone, that’s a cruel reality of football.
16.) Seattle Seahawks (3-2) (18) — I was about to call Sunday’s victory over the Panthers an “impressive road win” before I remembered they beat Carolina, which sucks. Seriously, it’s terrible. We’ll find out how good this team really is this weekend when the Patriots visit. In fact, did you know it’s Tom Brady’s first-ever game against the Seahawks? AND, I have a little wager on the line with the creator of the FX hit comedy “The League,” Jeff Schaffer, who’s a big Seattle fan. Fast forward to the 50:09 mark of this week’s Rich Eisen Podcast and take a listen.
15.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2) (9) — I played quarterback in high school and my coach used always tell me the same thing over and over: make sure we come back to the huddle after each play with the ball. Meaning, don’t turn it over. He had to say this often, because, well, I had a knack for giving it away to the other team. This is the problem with Michael Vick. One week after saying he knows what to do with the ball, etc., he turns it over twice on fumbles, raising his giveaway total to 11 on the season. I guess, if there’s good news here, he hasn’t thrown an INT since Week 2. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.
14.) Arizona Cardinals (4-1) (7) — How much do the Cardinals actually like Kevin Kolb? Based on how they tried to get him killed with their offensive line play last Thursday, I’d say not much. Kolb is the most-sacked QB in the league at 22 take downs, and with upcoming games against Buffalo, Minnesota and San Francisco coming up, that number doesn’t appear to be doing anything but going up. Good luck (Taken voice).
13.) Denver Broncos (2-3) (11) — Has there been a team with more white skill players than these Broncos? Seriously, Peyton Manning, Eric Decker, Joel Dreeson, Brandon Stokley. That’s half a fantasy team right there. They need to trade for Peyton Hillis and Danny Woodhead, pull Jason Sehorn away from retirement and living off Angie Harmon’s TNT money and make this official. They’re like the NFL’s BYU or Utah Jazz. And seriously, WTF is that red blotch on Manning’s head? He’s played football for the last 20 years and he still hasn’t found a helmet that fits him?
12.) Cincinnati Bengals (3-2) (5) — You know how on Wall St. there is such a thing as a Market Correction? Well, this was a Man Correction on the Bengals. What in the hell was that against the Dolphins? So maybe these cats aren’t as good as we think, but man, can A.J. Green play some football, huh? He’s the top-rated WR in my fantasy league and the guy who has him would rather start Donald Brown and Kendall Hunter at running back rather than trade me Green for MJD. That tells you all you need to know.
11.) New York Giants (3-2) (15) — Allow me to channel Chuck Klosterman for a minute: Victor Cruz has some above average football skills. He’s able to make plays that differentiate him from 95% of the receivers currently playing the game of football. But what are the chances the general public, not specific to the American Football viewing segment of the populous has vastly overrated the person Victor Cruz is due to his seductive salsa dancing?
10.) San Diego Chargers (3-2) (12) — Week 5 was one of those “weird forces are at work in the NFL” weeks with the Colts and then with the Saints. Though New Orleans might’ve been a league-influenced scenario. But did you really think Drew Brees WASN’T going to break Johnny Unitas’ record and they weren’t going to win with Sean Payton, Joe Vitt and Mickey Loomis in the house on special permission? And I still hate how Philip Rivers throws. Shot putting is not throwing.
9.) Green Bay Packers (2-3) (6) — The stories making the rounds this week are how the Packers offense is mediocre, a severely flawed version of the 2011 model, which lit the NFL on fire. Well, since numbers never lie, let’s see what the stats tell us: Total Offense – 21st (338 ypg); Passing – 15th (240.8 ypg); Rushing – 20th (95.6 ypg). Yup, that’s below average. For perspective, that’s less total yards per game than juggernauts Chiefs (4th), Dolphins (13th) and Bills (17th). Yikes.
8.) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) (14) — Rashard Mendenhall looked pretty good coming back from ACL surgery against the Eagles; 107 total yards and a TD. But does it seem like the Steelers are always bitten by the injury bug? And could this be it for Troy Polamalu?
7.) Minnesota Vikings (4-1) (13) — Christian Ponder is a good dude, but he’s like Ebbie Calvin Laloosh; he needs a nickname. That said, here’s what my Maine buddy Jimmy had to say about his Vikings this week: “4-1 baby, the machine rolls on!!” Wow, the Vikings are a machine now? And can anyone stop Percy Harvin? Dude seems to take a kick back every other week right now.
6.) Baltimore Ravens (4-1) (3) — If you can’t score more than 9 points against the Chiefs, then yes, I don’t care if you win, you are not worthy of being The Man and must drop in rankings of that name. Some teams want it, and some don’t. Right now the Ravens do not want it.
5.) Chicago Bears (4-1) (10) — Remember a couple weeks ago when everyone was skewering Jay Cutler like he was tailgate BBQ? Man, those were fun days, weren’t they? Well, now, ole smoking Jay has thrown for an average of 283 yards and 2 TDs in the last two games, the Bears are in first place and no one remembers how he screamed at his lineman in Week 2.
4.) New England Patriots (3-2) (8) — We all knew the Patriots offense has been on a different level since 2007 but when did they turn into Oregon? I was waiting in the second half for them to come out in matte red helmets with flaming muskets on their neon blue jerseys and fluorescent white cleats. They ran 80-something plays and got 35 first downs against the Broncos. That’s not even video game shh. When you’re No. 1 in total yards (439 ypg) and No. 1 in scoring (33 ppg), that’s like the level above All-Madden.
3.) Houston Texans (5-0) (2) — Had Houston lost on Monday, it would have dropped further than just one slot. But the Texans inability to put away an inferior Jets team slightly discouraged me. They’re still undefeated though, and as long as they have Arian Foster (532 yds, 5 TD) bowing and not knowing who random Dolphins are, they’re going to be near the top of these rankings.
2.) San Francisco 49ers (4-1) (4) — So, lemme get this straight: the game management, Alex Smith led 49ers offense has outscored its last two opponents 79-3? That’s right, right? No big deal, Smith just leads the NFL in Passer Rating (108.7).
1.) Atlanta Falcons (5-0) (1) — Remember when everyone said the Falcons were going to be pass first, pass second, pass third, run fourth? Well, that hasn’t been entirely untrue five games into the season. Sure, Matty Ice (sorry @richeisen, I’m riding with the original nickname over The Mattural) is 3rd in attempts (199) but Michael Turner has run for 250 yards in the last three games. I’m guessing it’ll be another high-flying offensive game for the Falcons this weekend the Raiders.
Extra Butter — Prometheus & Safety Not Guaranteed
LOS ANGELES — Yes, “Prometheus” is a futuristic sci-fi film about a group of scientists who search for life’s creators on a far-away planet with the help of an android. They encounter much more than they bargained for in their quest for answers, fight some aliens and save earth. However, I almost feel as if this was a piece of art questioning whether or not we should be looking in the first place.
Look, we know why anyone does anything; because they can, and in this world, the owner and crew of the Prometheus can. But it doesn’t always make it the appropriate line of thinking. I could go take a bath in the pond at The Grove, have someone film it and end up a YouTube hit but it wouldn’t be worth it (maybe). It’s sometimes better to let sleeping dogs lie, or shower at the gym. Doc Brown built a time machine out of a DeLorean but even that screwed just about everything up.
I’ll admit, the idea of having an android to help me get through life is pretty sweet. Yes, it would help make my life easier, I’d win a boatload of cash on Jepoardy or yet-to-be-invented game show, but would I actually learn anything on my own, or improve as a man? Probably not. I could just take him to parties, or get stinking rich because I’d be the only with a life-like robot.
All things being even, I’d probably do it, but it doesn’t mean I should. Like looking for the creators of man.
OK, back to my original lede for this review.
Since winning the Academy Award for her role in “Monster” in 2003, Charlize Theron hasn’t done anything truly memorable – aside from throwing around a drunk Will Smith in “Hancock” (2008) – until last year’s “Young Adult,” a very well done film in which she plays a successful writer who goes back to her hometown to win back her high school sweetheart. However, Theron is a huge movie star, and thusly, very recognizable. So when I saw her in the trailer for Ridley Scott’s latest sci-fi blockbuster “Prometheus” I was not only confused but figured her inclusion would be quite distracting from what surely was a very deep and interesting film by a very successful and thought-provoking film maker.
I was slightly wrong. Only slightly because after learning she passed on playing the lead, Elizabeth Shaw, because of a scheduling conflict, she later accepted a lesser role as Meredith Vickers, the Prometheus’ guardian, when the film fit her calendar. Theron in this lesser role is much better than as the lead and therefore not AS distracting as it could’ve been. So it’s a win by default. Michael Fassbender (“X-Men: Origins”), not nearly as big a star though getting there, was perfect is his role as the droid David, who assists the crew of the Prometheus in their hunt for the so-called Engineers, the makers of life, on a far away planet.
“Prometheus” was originally dubbed as an “Alien” prequel but it’s hardly that; completely separate story line, and there’s only a hint at anything Alien at all, so don’t feel like you need to have seen those films to know what’s going on here, as you don’t. Scott’s special effects on this new planet, a planet which takes two years to get to, are incredible, and I enjoyed the acting, especially by the two knuckleheads, Fifield (Sean Harris) and Millburn (Rafe Spall). Initially, I wasn’t that excited about “Prometheus,” but it’s well worth the 124-minute run time. Just don’t spend the entire duration thinking about if the ship is bigger than Spaceball 1. It’s not. And doesn’t have a cool bumper sticker either.
Oh, and Noomi Rapace is awesome as Shaw. But the film, in my opinion, is all about the performance of Fassebender, who in 7 months, should get some award noms.
Brockman Stamp of Approval: 3.5/5 Stomach Staples.
SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED
Working on a talk show has some cool perks. OK, really just one: you get to meet celebrities (there are a few jokes here, but I’ll refrain some saying them because, well, we’d like more to come on the show). Usually, these aesthetically-blessed individuals are plugging their latest project, which they’ve been trained to tell everyone who’ll ask and listen that it’s the greatest thing since “Citizen Kane.” Admittedly, as these trained memorizers have described their films, I’ve gotten sucked in to thinking they’re right and that I should fork over the cash to go see what their hocking.
Now, when they leave, I exit the vortex of their propaganda and realize what they’re peddling is piece of crap and save my money for more important things like Subway footlongs and dental floss. However, when recent guest Jake Johnson (“New Girl” & “Get Him To The Greek”) stopped by to talk Chicago Bears and his new indie film “Safety Not Guaranteed” I was intrigued more than normal.
A few days later, I checked out the trailer online and decided it’d be work my time. About a group of writers for Seattle magazine who set off on a journey to find out about this kook who put a classified ad for a trip back in time, ‘Guaranteed,’ which also stars Mark Duplass of “The League” and Aubrey Plaza of “The Office,” is a story of hope, belief and letting go of what’s comfortable and easy for something that could be so much more.
A film that entertains you and makes you think. I’m in.
Johnson plays the dick-ish writer who takes the story with the agenda of meeting up with an old flame in the area; Plaza is the inquisitive, boring intern who draws the assignment of getting close to Duplass, only to eventually grow to like him and buy into his plan to actually travel back in time; and there’s an Indian intern whom they both make fun of. It’s an amusing dynamic and a fun 90 minutes.
I was legit surprised by the ending, too. You’ll enjoy it.
Brockman Stamp of Approval: 3.75/5 Cans of Soup