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2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 10

LOS ANGELES — The halfway point of the regular season is a time for all the pundits to adjust their preseason predictions. Here at The Chris Brockman Website, we make statements and stick by them, which is why we’re standing behind our prognostications 100%! Back in August, I went on record and chose Lovie Smith as my Coach of the Year, Matthew Stafford as my passing champ, Darren McFadden as my rushing champ and Tom Brady my MVP. Also, I predicted the Patriots and Packers to reach the Super Bowl (the same pick I said in 2011 (I was half right)) and I have no reason to move off that.

New England is 5-3 and Green Bay is 6-3 and each are improving by the week. The Packers have been bitten the injury bug this year, especially at receiver with Greg Jennings and Jordy Nelson but have still made plays and put up numbers. Tom Brady is still doing his thing and the young defense seems to be improving, though time will tell with the secondary. So, I’m standing by my NFC playoff teams: 49ers, Packers, Bears, Giants, Bucs and Falcons. In the AFC, honestly, I don’t recall exactly what I said since I don’t think I wrote it down, but I’m calling Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Broncos, Texans and Colts.

What say you? Send me your pics here at the halfway point. While you mull it over, let’s find out Who’s The Man.

32.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-7) (32) — If you’re in the market for some large, luxury-style homes with lots of bathrooms, probably theaters and pool tables in the greater Kansas City area, you’re in luck! There should be at least three such available in less than two months after Romeo Crennell, Scott Pioli and Matt Cassel all get axed.

31.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-7) (31) — I’ve run out of things to say about the Jaguars, so here’s a quickie Extra Butter about the movie I saw over the weekend, “Sinister,” which was as frightening Jacksonville’s play this season… Without giving anything away, here’s a quick plot outline: Ethan Hawke is a true crime novelist looking for one more big hit. He stumbles across what he realizes is a series of murders he thinks are connected. Only he and his family end up becoming part of the story. It’s very good. Some jumpy parts. Moves quickly. If you’re into this genre, you’ll enjoy it. Brockman Stamp of Approval: 3.5 out of 5 boxes of home movies.

30.) Cleveland Browns (2-7) (29) lost — OK, so maybe my Browns honking was a bit premature last week. Someone has to stump for them, though, right? I mean, no one’s watching their games now that the NBA has started and Kyrie Irving and Dion Waters are manning the Cavs backcourt. Those two could have a great decade run if Dan Gilbert doesn’t run them out of town with Comic Sans emails.

29.) Buffalo Bills (3-5) (28) — I blame last week’s loss to Texans on the fact that the Amish Rifle shaved his beard into a goatee. You don’t mess with beard karma, as I’ve learned after trimming mine into a hideous mustache for No Shave November. OK, I guess the Texans are pretty freakin’ good.

28.) Carolina Panthers (2-6) (30) — Here’s the good news for all you Mitt Romney supporters: in 17-of-the-last-19 presidential elections, if the Redskins win their last home game before Election Day the incumbent party retains the White House. The Panthers defeated the Redskins in Landover, Md. on Sunday. Will the GOP be celebrating Tuesday night? (update: nope, they sure weren’t.)

27.) Arizona Cardinals (4-5) (27) — If you saw this game or any of the highlites or saw Larry Fitzgerald’s touchdown reception on Red Zone Channel, did you notice how hard he had to work on that thing? How many jukes and moves and broken tackles he had to withstand just to find the end zone? It should not be that difficult for one of the top, if not the top, receivers in the game to score. It just shouldn’t. At this point, I’m sure Fitz wouldn’t mind if Michael Vick were his quarterback. Ya know, assuming Vick is out of a job in about 8 weeks. #FreeFitz

26.) Tennessee Titans (3-6) (25) — I’ll let Titans owner Bud Adams bring this one home: “In my 50 years of owning an NFL franchise, I am at a loss to recall a regular season home game that was such a disappointment for myself, and fans of the Titans,” Adams told The Tennessean. “We were grossly outcoached and outplayed from start to finish today… At this time, all aspects of the organization will be closely evaluated, including front office, coaches and players over the next seven games. If performance and competitiveness does not improve, I will look at all alternatives to get back to having the Titans become a playoff and championship football team.”

25.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-5) (23) — Ooooooooh Philadelphia. What a week this is going to be there. But before Jeff Lurie does anything, I hope he checks in with Marcus Vick; he seems to have a lot to say.

24.) Oakland Raiders (3-5) (26) — I attended the UCLA/Arizona game this past weekend at the Rose Bowl, my first trip to the famous Pasadena stadium. Loved the experience, and even though the game was an absolute boat race, there were some heavily intoxicated females sitting in front of us who happen to be talking about fantasy football. I leered close enough to get myself into the conversation. One of them said she had to start Carson Palmer this week with Tom Brady on a bye, but she didn’t feel good about because she “hated” the Raiders and didn’t like Palmer “because he’s a Trojan.” I told her to stick with Palmer, that he would undoubtedly have a big game, which he did: 39-of-61, 414 yards, 4 TDs, 3 INTs and a 2pt conversion. In my league, good enough for 40.3 points. You’re welcome, drunk broad.

23.) St. Louis Rams (3-5) (24) — I feel like I’ve been doing my Rams fans readers (I’m guessing there has to be at least one of you out there) a disservice all season long because I just can’t find anything to say about this team. It’d be one thing if it was good and flew under the radar and was sniffing the playoffs, but I don’t see that happening. Danny Amendola should be back this week. That’s good, right?

22.) New York Jets (3-5) (22) — My editor on Sunday nights, Jantzen, the die-hard Steelers fan who feared for his life at a Raiders game earlier this year, had a great comment about the Jets at halftime of the Giants/Steelers game when it looked like the fix was in for the G-Men. It’s kinda moot since the Steelers ended up winning the game, but check it out anyway. I hate the Jets.

21.) Cincinnati Bengals (3-5) (21) — Of all the teams in the league who think they’re good but really aren’t even close to being there, the Bengals might be the best of them. Did you follow that? I’m not even sure I did, but Cincy is approaching St. Louis territory where I’m just running out of things to say about them since I don’t a) have anyone on my fantasy team on them and b) they’re just not that interesting. I mean, their quarterback is a ginger for crying out loud!

20.) Washington Redskins (3-6) (14) — Correct me if I’m wrong, but it can’t be good if your head coach says after a loss that he’s at the point in the season where he’s evaluating players as to who will be on the team next season, can it?

19.) Dallas Cowboys (3-5) (20) — Jerry Jones is pretty fascinating. He seems to “get it” in every part of his life EXCEPT when it comes to running his football team. Think about it. This guy is a billionaire. He makes TV cameos and is funny, quick and basically a better actor than 75% of those who do it professionally. He built a stadium that is a modern marvel of modern technology. He was ahead of the plastic surgery craze. But for some reason he can’t put the pieces together to field a winning football team. He really should be running the Jets.

18.) San Diego Chargers (4-4) (19) — Nobody wins in November like Norv Turner, and they did it again last Thursday. Sure, the Chargers did get a gift in terms of the hapless Chiefs, but Philip Rivers and Co. still had to go out and make plays, and they did. Now the Norv gets at least a one-week reprieve from the axe.

17.) Detroit Lions (4-4) (18) — Matthew Stafford came on the Rich Eisen Podcast this week and basically said it’s Calvin Johnson’s fault for not scoring more TDs this season. He noted at least 5 times that Megatron has gotten tackled inside the 2-yard line this season. Stafford also noted he’s been taking a lot of heat from fantasy owners. I’m in a 2-QB league and drafted Johnson with my first overall pick (yeah, I’m in last place) and traded him this week for Doug Martin. Yup. I’m a winner.

16.) Miami Dolphins (4-4) (12) — Despite last week’s loss, which featured both the Colts and Dolphins with winning records (raise your hand if you thought that would happen this year; I shouldn’t be seeing any hands), I still like this Dolphins team. Reggie Bush runs hard, Lauren Tannehill’s husband has been very solid.

15.) Minnesota Vikings (5-4) (15) — My Maine buddy Jimmy is losing faith in his Vikings. As I wrote him at one point, the ship be sinking: “Your stud RB runs for 182 yards, 2 TD’s, and your team loses by double digits. This may not be our year.”

14.) New Orleans Saints (3-5) (16) — I don’t know if the Saints still have a shot at the playoffs or not. I tend to think the Bucs are going to be a wild card team and most likely the Packers. However, if this team makes the playoffs, Look. The. Eff. Out. Yes, they can’t stop Narbonne High School, but do you want to face Drew Brees with a chance to shut everyone up about how their season would be lost without Sean Payton? And speaking of Payton, is there any way he’s not coaching the Cowboys next year? You don’t think Jerry Jones is gonna pay him $10M a year and give him a jet or an island or Paulie’s talking robot from Rocky IV or something to seal the deal?

13.) Indianapolis Colts (5-3) (17) — After 8 games, Andrew Luck has 2,404 yards passing. That ranks tied for 4th in the NFL. You know with whom? Peyton Manning, maybe you’ve heard of him.

12.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4) (13) — So Doug Martin has had two really amazing games, huh? But here’s my stance on him not liking his nickname “Muscle Hamster.” Tough. Get over it. You think there are kids out there who don’t love their nicknames? You think Chunk from “Goonies” or a giant fat guy named “Tiny” like those?

11.) Seattle Seahawks (5-4) (11) — I don’t think this team is going to make the playoffs, but Russell Wilson is proving a dangerous playmaker. You wouldn’t take him over My Good Friend Robert, I understand, but he’s not a bad alternative. Look at their numbers: 62 comp %, 1,639 yards, 13 TDs, 8 INTs and 65.6 comp %, 1,993 yards, 8 TDs, 3 INTs. Who would you take?

10.) Baltimore Ravens (6-2) (9) — What the hell is going on with that Ravens offense? No, seriously, this is a legitimate question. They have weapons coming out of the nest and barely beat the Chiefs and Browns. This is troubling, and a major reason why they’ve slipped in rankings. YOU HAVE RAY RICE, JUST GIVE HIM THE BALL. OK, I’m done.

9.) New York Giants (6-3) (3) — Now it’s Eli Manning’s fault? That sounds about right. Sure, Eli is slumping, only throwing 2 TDs in his late 4 games and under 200 yards in 3 of those, but they still should take control of the NFC East. After 2 Super Bowls, I’m not ruling the Giants out of anything until the playoffs start and they’re not in them.

8.) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-3) (10) — Wait, so these ARE your daddy’s Steelers? In the last few years, Pittsburgh has transformed itself into a new-age Black & Gold, with Ben Roethlisberger winging it all over the yard. But as the offensive line has gone down with some injuries this season, Pittsburgh has gone back to its old school roots, pounding the rock with whomever they line up at tail back. Lately, it’s been Jonathan Dwyer and Issac Redman, who’ve combined for nearly 400 yards in the last three games.

7,) Denver Broncos (5-4) (8) — As long as Peyton Manning keeps ballin’ out of control, his teammates will rally and play up to his level and the Broncos will be a threat down the stretch. I’m not sure how good their defense is, but any time you have Von Miller rushing the quarterback, sacking him and doing a silly dance, you got a shot.

6.) New England Patriots (5-3) (7) — The man with my favorite name in sports, Aqib Talib, was acquired by the Patriots during their bye week from Tampa Bay in a move that surprised many given Talib’s fondness with breaking the law. He doesn’t exactly fit the demographic of what a Patriots player looks like, then again, Bill Belichick has taken chances on players with sketchy backgrounds in the past. The key always being, if you perform on the field, I don’t care what you did before you got here. And New England needs secondary help. Currently, it’s 28th against the pass (281.1 ypg) and have given up the 3rd most passing TDs (17).

5.) San Francisco 49ers (6-2) (6) — The 49ers still have to play the Bears, Saints, Patriots and Seahawks in the second half of the season. To quote Cris Collinsworth: I’m not so sure San Francisco doesn’t have a tough road to the #1 seed in the NFC.

4.) Green Bay Packers (6-3) (4) — Before the season started I was out with my friend Justine, and she was texting with her friend Randall Cobb. She said he was telling her how the Packers were planning to use him this season, and they were expecting big things. It was then I decided I want to get Cobb on my fantasy team. Ultimately, I waited too long to pick him up, but I’m very glad to see him ballin’ out like he has. No way anyone envisioned 45 rec, 500 yards and 6 TDs including another 667 return yards and a punt return TD. And he’s only 22 years old.

3.) Houston Texans (7-1) (5) — How many times are the Texans going to run that play-action bootleg and then throw it deep to the tight end for a touchdown this season before teams start preparing for it? The tight end is always WIDE OPEN. They did it again against Buffalo this past Sunday. Oh, and Arian Foster has now scored a touchdown in 12 straight games. Me likey that very much.

2.) Chicago Bears (7-1) (2) — Holy smokes, Charles Tillman just ran into my apartment, punched my laptop out of my hand and Brian Urlacher raced by, scooped it up and ran to the The Grove’s Apple Store for a touchdown rebate!!?! What in the hell just happened?!

1.) Atlanta Falcons (8-0) (1) — Seeing a lot of articles this week comparing the Falcons to other 8-0 teams in history and coming to the conclusion that this team doesn’t stack up. I often like to quote Bill Parcells: you are what your record is. And this Falcons team is 8-0, and of the 14 teams in NFL history to reach that mark, 9 of them (64.3%) have reached the Super Bowl. And as Herm Edwards says:

… and right now, the Falcons are winning. And that’s all that matters.

2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 6

LOS ANGELES — Admit it, as you got ready for Monday Night Football this week and went through your normal routine of reading online articles, scrolling Twitter and watching pregame shoes you came across the nugget that it was 666th editing of MNF. And as you let that sink in, it also dawned on you that Monday’s game was to feature one Tim Tebow. And knowing what we know about Tim Tebow you thought to yourself: “hmm… something screwy might happen tonight.”

It was then, I came to the slow realization that I would not complete an epic fantasy football comeback (down 48 with Arian Foster and the Texans defense) and that yes, something screwy is DEFINITELY going to happen tonight. Well, we were all duped. Yes, the Jets were in the game, but it had nothing to do with anything Tim Tebow did, which sucks. Rex Ryan totally deprived us of a classic Tebow moment when, down 6 and with the ball with 3:28 to go Mark Sanchez trotted out under center and naturally he didn’t do jack and the Texans won.

Seriously, how great would that last drive have been if it was all Tebow? No doubt he would’ve found a way to win the game and implode Twitter all at the same time.

While God Blesses you, let’s find out who’s the man.

32.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) (31)  Did you know in the last two games Maurice Jones-Drew has 25 total carries, while Blaine Gabbert has thrown it 77 times, with three of those landing into the hands of the Jaguars opponents? No, it’s true. I looked it up. That ratio seems kinda off kilter to me. Hopefully during the bye week Mike Mularkey can get that ironed out. #FreeMJD

31.) Tennessee Titans (1-4) (30)  Chris Johnson is proving to be that girl you grew up with who always talked the talked but never walked the walk when walking was required, if ya know what I mean. Either do something or shut the hell up. And I feel for my brother Matt Hasselbeck. He’s not getting ANY help out there. At he’s still handsome as f–k.

30.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-4) (28)  Eric Winston is my new favorite player in the NFL. Kudos for standing up for your quarterback and everyone in the NFL. Having said that, the fans still have a right to boo. Doesn’t make it right or make them tasteful for doing it.

29.) Cleveland Browns (0-5) (32)  You may be looking at this list and wondering how a winless team is not ranked as the worst team. If not, then you and I are on the same page. I think of it like this, at least the Browns CAN score and have proven they have the ability to put the ball in the end zone. After 5 games they have 100 points, which is more than the 1-win Chiefs (94), Titans (88) and Jaguars (65). Trent Richardson is proving he’s past the knee problems.

28.) Oakland Raiders (1-3) (29)  There’s a good chance I may only have the Raiders this high because I picked up Carson Palmer on my fantasy team for a bye-week replacement for Matt Ryan in Week 7. Maybe. #FreeDMC

27.) Carolina Panthers (1-4) (24)  I wasn’t buying the “What’s Wrong With Cam?” headlines after Week 2, but five weeks is a good enough sample size to start wondering what’s going on with him. Newton is 17th in the NFL in yards, 20th in Passer Rating, has just 4 TD passes and has been sacked 13 times. Not exactly Superman efforts.

26.) Buffalo Bills (2-3) (19) — I hope Matt Barkley owns some winter clothes, knows how to operate a wood stove and can drive in the snow, because those Buffalo winters are FRIGID!! Seriously, it’s time to set the Ryan Fitzpatrick (1,057yds, 12TD, 8INT)  ship out to sea blazen with that green stuff from Game Of Thrones. All that’s missing is Braun launching the flaming arrow into Lake Erie.

25.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3) (26) — The best thing that could’ve happened for the Bucs was that they were off last week, which means their coach couldn’t do something stupid and their players couldn’t poorly execute his stupid decisions. I want to like this Tampa Bay team. And with the Chiefs coming to town, it better get a win if it wants any shot at the postseason.

24.) Detroit Lions (1-3) (25) — Ya know, every year Maloney and I wonder who’s the first coach to get fired. It’s a fun little game we play and he always says it’s Lovie Smith and I try to really think about it. Well, the Bears are 4-1 so it won’t be him, but maybe it’s time to ask: is Jim Schwartz on the hot seat?

23.) New York Jets (2-3) (22) — I posted on Twitter during the game Monday how the Jets are who we thought and the Texans needed adjusting. Then someone said how I should give the Jets some credit. Credit for what? Showing up for a Monday Night Football game? So I should get credit for showing up to work today? It’s like that Chris Rock sketch about Ns and black people. Ns always trying to take credit for stuff they’re SUPPOSED to do. I would hope you’d come out and play during a nationally televised game. I would hope. God Bless.

22.) New Orleans Saints (1-4) (27) — Drew Brees throwing a touchdown pass Monday night was as likely to occur as me pulling up for 3 on a fast break in pickup basketball on Saturday. But, what made that record special was that it was caught by #19, since that was Johnny U’s number AND his son Joe being in attendance. However, this record doesn’t impress me that much given how advanced today’s passing games are and how easy it is for receivers. What’s more impressive in regards to Brees, is his longevity and consistency.

21.) Miami Dolphins (2-3) (23) — When watching “Hard Knocks” earlier this summer, I didn’t even think this Dolphins team would get to 2 wins for the season, let alone after 5 weeks of the NFL year. It’s clear that starting Lauren Tannehill’s husband and cutting Chad Johnson were the right moves. However, would like to see some more defense before they climb out of the 20s.

20.) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) (17) — Jerry Jones and I have nothing in common. He’s a billionaire. I’m a thousandaire. He owns Texas. I’ve been there once. He likes plastic surgery. I have still a scar on my back from falling out of an avocado tree earlier this spring. However, we both have this going for us: we’ll be on the Season 4 Premiere of the FX fantasy football comedy “The League” this Thursday at 10:30pm ET. Tune in.

19.) Washington Redskins (2-3) (16) — I’m not saying I saw the Robert Griffin injury coming, but when he rounded the corner I braced myself for a collision from my couch. And when he got hit, I knew he wouldn’t be getting up and returning to the game. You can’t keep playing with a reckless abandon and live to see the next week. There’s a reason Michael Vick has played just ONE full season in his 9-year career. Slide. Run out of bounds. Throw it away. Do something other than get KTFO.

18.) Indianapolis Colts (2-2) (21) — You wanna know why I love sports? For moments like what happened in the second half of the Colts/Packers game. Indy had no business being in that game on Sunday. Down 21-3 at halftime. That baby was over. But strange things happen when other forces are at work. You think the Raiders winning last year a couple days after Al Davis died as a coincidence? Brett Favre going ape balls the day after his dad passed away. Sports are crazy man. I love them. #ChuckStrong

17.) St. Louis Rams (3-2) (20) — Wow, that was some defensive performance last week. Now, I probably could’ve probably went all Reggie White against that Arizona offensive line but still, I was impressed. Tough break for Wes Welker Lite 2.0, Danny Amendola, who was killing it in PPR fantasy leagues. Some guys are just injury prone, that’s a cruel reality of football.

16.) Seattle Seahawks (3-2) (18) — I was about to call Sunday’s victory over the Panthers an “impressive road win” before I remembered they beat Carolina, which sucks. Seriously, it’s terrible. We’ll find out how good this team really is this weekend when the Patriots visit. In fact, did you know it’s Tom Brady’s first-ever game against the Seahawks? AND, I have a little wager on the line with the creator of the FX hit comedy “The League,” Jeff Schaffer, who’s a big Seattle fan. Fast forward to the 50:09 mark of this week’s Rich Eisen Podcast and take a listen.

15.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2) (9) — I played quarterback in high school and my coach used always tell me the same thing over and over: make sure we come back to the huddle after each play with the ball. Meaning, don’t turn it over. He had to say this often, because, well, I had a knack for giving it away to the other team. This is the problem with Michael Vick. One week after saying he knows what to do with the ball, etc., he turns it over twice on fumbles, raising his giveaway total to 11 on the season. I guess, if there’s good news here, he hasn’t thrown an INT since Week 2. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

14.) Arizona Cardinals (4-1) (7) — How much do the Cardinals actually like Kevin Kolb? Based on how they tried to get him killed with their offensive line play last Thursday, I’d say not much. Kolb is the most-sacked QB in the league at 22 take downs, and with upcoming games against Buffalo, Minnesota and San Francisco coming up, that number doesn’t appear to be doing anything but going up. Good luck (Taken voice).

13.) Denver Broncos (2-3) (11) — Has there been a team with more white skill players than these Broncos? Seriously, Peyton Manning, Eric Decker, Joel Dreeson, Brandon Stokley. That’s half a fantasy team right there. They need to trade for Peyton Hillis and Danny Woodhead, pull Jason Sehorn away from retirement and living off Angie Harmon’s TNT money and make this official. They’re like the NFL’s BYU or Utah Jazz. And seriously, WTF is that red blotch on Manning’s head? He’s played football for the last 20 years and he still hasn’t found a helmet that fits him?

12.) Cincinnati Bengals (3-2) (5) — You know how on Wall St. there is such a thing as a Market Correction? Well, this was a Man Correction on the Bengals. What in the hell was that against the Dolphins? So maybe these cats aren’t as good as we think, but man, can A.J. Green play some football, huh? He’s the top-rated WR in my fantasy league and the guy who has him would rather start Donald Brown and Kendall Hunter at running back rather than trade me Green for MJD. That tells you all you need to know.

11.) New York Giants (3-2) (15) — Allow me to channel Chuck Klosterman for a minute: Victor Cruz has some above average football skills. He’s able to make plays that differentiate him from 95% of the receivers currently playing the game of football. But what are the chances the general public, not specific to the American Football viewing segment of the populous  has vastly overrated the person Victor Cruz is due to his seductive salsa dancing?

10.) San Diego Chargers (3-2) (12) — Week 5 was one of those “weird forces are at work in the NFL” weeks with the Colts and then with the Saints. Though New Orleans might’ve been a league-influenced scenario. But did you really think Drew Brees WASN’T going to break Johnny Unitas’ record and they weren’t going to win with Sean Payton, Joe Vitt and Mickey Loomis in the house on special permission? And I still hate how Philip Rivers throws. Shot putting is not throwing.

9.) Green Bay Packers (2-3) (6) — The stories making the rounds this week are how the Packers offense is mediocre, a severely flawed version of the 2011 model, which lit the NFL on fire. Well, since numbers never lie, let’s see what the stats tell us: Total Offense – 21st (338 ypg); Passing – 15th (240.8 ypg); Rushing – 20th (95.6 ypg). Yup, that’s below average. For perspective, that’s less total yards per game than juggernauts Chiefs (4th), Dolphins (13th) and Bills (17th). Yikes.

8.) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) (14) — Rashard Mendenhall looked pretty good coming back from ACL surgery against the Eagles; 107 total yards and a TD. But does it seem like the Steelers are always bitten by the injury bug? And could this be it for Troy Polamalu?

7.) Minnesota Vikings (4-1) (13) — Christian Ponder is a good dude, but he’s like Ebbie Calvin Laloosh; he needs a nickname. That said, here’s what my Maine buddy Jimmy had to say about his Vikings this week: “4-1 baby, the machine rolls on!!” Wow, the Vikings are a machine now? And can anyone stop Percy Harvin? Dude seems to take a kick back every other week right now.

6.) Baltimore Ravens (4-1) (3) — If you can’t score more than 9 points against the Chiefs, then yes, I don’t care if you win, you are not worthy of being The Man and must drop in rankings of that name. Some teams want it, and some don’t. Right now the Ravens do not want it.

5.) Chicago Bears (4-1) (10) — Remember a couple weeks ago when everyone was skewering Jay Cutler like he was tailgate BBQ? Man, those were fun days, weren’t they? Well, now, ole smoking Jay has thrown for an average of 283 yards and 2 TDs in the last two games, the Bears are in first place and no one remembers how he screamed at his lineman in Week 2.

4.) New England Patriots (3-2) (8) — We all knew the Patriots offense has been on a different level since 2007 but when did they turn into Oregon? I was waiting in the second half for them to come out in matte red helmets with flaming muskets on their neon blue jerseys and fluorescent white cleats. They ran 80-something plays and got 35 first downs against the Broncos. That’s not even video game shh. When you’re No. 1 in total yards (439 ypg) and No. 1 in scoring (33 ppg), that’s like the level above All-Madden.

3.) Houston Texans (5-0) (2) — Had Houston lost on Monday, it would have dropped further than just one slot. But the Texans inability to put away an inferior Jets team slightly discouraged me. They’re still undefeated though, and as long as they have Arian Foster (532 yds, 5 TD) bowing and not knowing who random Dolphins are, they’re going to be near the top of these rankings.

2.) San Francisco 49ers (4-1) (4) — So, lemme get this straight: the game management, Alex Smith led 49ers offense has outscored its last two opponents 79-3? That’s right, right? No big deal, Smith just leads the NFL in Passer Rating (108.7).

1.) Atlanta Falcons (5-0) (1) — Remember when everyone said the Falcons were going to be pass first, pass second, pass third, run fourth? Well, that hasn’t been entirely untrue five games into the season. Sure, Matty Ice (sorry @richeisen, I’m riding with the original nickname over The Mattural) is 3rd in attempts (199) but Michael Turner has run for 250 yards in the last three games. I’m guessing it’ll be another high-flying offensive game for the Falcons this weekend the Raiders.