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48 Things To Expect During Super Bowl XLVIII
LOS ANGELES — Once again, Super Bowl Week has come and gone. Was it good for you? Oh, and we’re all caps-ing this bad boy because it’s an event like no other! Except, well, everything is an event now. And it’s award season! (Elaine would be proud of my exclamation point usage) So maybe people are evented out. Are you? Hell no! It’s the Super Bowl! And it’s in New York! Except it’s in New Jersey! And have you heard it might be cold? Don’t worry, Anne Hathaway won’t be around to drive us into Serious Town with some wicked intense acceptance speech. But Richard Sherman’s here, though he’s been pretty subdued for the most part. He better step it up. There’s only one more day to really start yelling at people BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY!! AND WENT TO STANFORD!! HE’S SMART CRAZY!!
There’s been no shortage of story lines this week from the aforementioned Sherman being asked about making it rain at the strip club, to Peyton Manning (did you know he’s playing in the game and his legacy is at stake?) throwing duck yards and duck touchdowns for the last couple years. Also, Pete Carroll has been smiling a lot, John Elway has been being The Freakin’ Duke around town, Russell Wilson has been not getting a haircut, Marshawn Lynch has been dropping the greatest phrases known to man – “I’m just ’bout ‘dat action, boss” – and Wes Welker has been trying to explain to people why Bill Belichick hates him. But hey, there’s a game on Sunday!
There have been 266 NFL contests played this year and it’s all come down to this. One more. Seahawks. Broncos. For all the proverbial marbles, or in this case, Tiffany hardware. Vince Lombardi will be headed west this offseason, but will he cross the Rockies and get rained on in the PacNorth, or will the finest piece of hardware in the land hit the microbrew scene in the 303? I can’t wait to find out.
And since last year’s column was such a rousing success (rousing might be a bit overstated), we here at The Chris Brockman Website decided to bring the gimmick back for another go’round. So without further adieu, here’s the 48 Things To Expect During Super Bowl XLVIII.
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1.) Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will talk about how cold it is at MetLife Stadium.
2.) It won’t actually be that cold.
3.) Roger Goodell will be shown sitting outside among the “real” “fans” because he is a “one-of-the-guys” type of commish.
4.) The opera chick singing the National Anthem will take for-eva to belt it out.
5.) Fox will try and get a close-up of Knowshon Moreno crying in pre-game.
6.) They will fail.
7.) Most of the commercials will be terrible.
8.) Except Bud Light. They always hit home runs.
9.) You’ll have no idea what songs Bruno Mars is singing. That’s because no one can name any song that he sings.
10.) The Red Hot Chili Peppers will rock out and may literally actually have their cocks out.
11.) The Broncos will be winning at halftime.
12.) Peyton Manning will throw an interception in the game.
13.) It will not be to Richard Sherman.
14.) Joe Buck will make a joke tossing it down to Erin Andrews about Richard Sherman’s rant two weeks ago.
15.) Pam Oliver’s weave will look absolutely ridiculous.
16.) Darren Rovell will tweet about the amount of buffalo wings consumed during Super Bowl parties.
17.) You will all threaten to unfollow him but not actually go through with it.
18.) It will be mentioned roughly 3.5 times how Marshawn Lynch now has an endorsement deal with Skittles.
19.) And how Beast Mode wasn’t exactly an active participant in talking to the media this week.
20.) Not that it matters because Lynch is going to run for 125 yards at 2 touchdowns.
21.) We all will be reminded that Wes Welker dropped a potential Super Bowl-clinching pass two years ago.
22.) Pete Carroll will be shown roughly 27 times chomping away on a poor piece of gum.
23.) He’ll be smiling the entire time because now that Dick Clark has passed away, Carroll is the world’s oldest teenager.
24.) It’ll be mentioned that Peyton Manning is old and Russell Wilson is not.
25.) And that Wilson used to play baseball.
26.) And that he loves Jesus.
27.) And that Manning loves Papa John’s.
28.) And getting them checks.
29.) There will be roughly 37 promos for some awful new Fox show that will get canceled after 4 episodes.
30.) The “celebrities-at-the-game” montage will be hilarious because they all will look freezing cold and completely miserable.
31.) We’ll all be warm and full from eating tons of delicious food in the comfort of our homes.
32.) Julius Thomas will catch a touchdown pass.
33.) We’ll hear more than a few times how much the Broncos defense misses Von Miller.
34.) Legion of Boom will be said 17 different times.
35.) Troy Aikman will express his discontent for the bravado at which Seattle plays defense.
36.) We will be reminded that Seattle’s fans are called the “12th Man.”
37.) The coin toss will come up “heads.”
38.) The gatorade doused on the winning head coach will be yellow.
39.) The first points of the game will be a field goal.
40.) You will all wish you were at my house for the game.
41.) But don’t worry, I’ll be live-tweeting the festivities.
42.) Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger will be mentioned.
43.) So will Madonna. Just cause.
44.) There will be a special teams touchdown.
45.) And at least two missed field goals.
46.) There will be some kind of precipitation in the second half.
47.) A big defensive play will be made late in the 4th quarter to all but determine the outcome.
James Gandolfini: 1961-2013
LOS ANGELES — The first time I ever saw “The Sopranos” was in the Spring of 2001. The show was leading into its third season, and as customary, HBO was replaying Season 2 every Sunday night as a buildup. I got hooked by my dorm neighbor and great friend, Rich Kiss, who like the Sopranos themselves, hailed from New Jersey. He was a junkie for the mobster hit and I figured, if he liked it, then I would, too. One of the first episodes I remember seeing was the one where Janice kills Richie Aprile. Blown away a semi-main character would just be offed like that, I turned to Rich in disbelief and he looked at me and said, “that happens ALL THE TIME!” Of course, he knew what was coming at Season 2’s end, but when Big Pussy met the fishes, let’s just say I was the one who had trouble sleeping for a few days.
And I was forever hooked.
It wasn’t the violence that intrigued me about “The Sopranos,” however, it was the performances. They were unlike anything on television, and the actors, writers and producers knew that as much as we did. (I couldn’t even begin to tell you what else I was watching on television at this point outside of “SportsCenter.” Probably “Survivor” or Craig Kilborn.) ‘Sopranos’ was edgy. Gratuitous with its swearing and excess, and hilarious with its rough dialogue. These guys were gangsters but real people with surprisingly normal problems. They argued with their wives, their kids were a pain in the ass, and their troubles on the job always came home with them. Sure, they talked funny and dressed gaudy but we kinda liked them, even though we hated them.
At the center of it all was Tony, played to perfection by James Gandolfini, whom the world was shocked to learn died Wednesday at age 51 while on vacation in Italy. Larger than life, commanding of your undivided attention whenever he appeared on screen, and surprisingly sympathetic as the ruthless and murderous lead of the show, Galdolfini consumed the role, swallowed it whole and spit out pure gold. He made you root for the bad guy and almost had you feeling guilty when you didn’t. (One of the best illustrations of this is in the show itself, when Agent Harris, a longtime nemesis of Tony, cheered out after learning of Phil Leotardo’s death, “we’re gonna win this thing!”) Gandolfini made wanting evil to triumph cool. Make no mistake, Tony Soprano is one of the baddest men in television history, yet because of Gandolfini’s weekly performance, you wanted him to come out on top. You wanted him to finally find peace and that loving relationship with his family, to get past the panic attacks, to defeat New York. You wanted those things and you looked coldly the other way when he stepped out of bounds from time to time.
Certainly no one looked like him on television, which was another part of his appeal – he was big and balding, not exactly leading man looks – and no one could cuss like him. I’d argue he brought back creative cursing. What fun it must’ve been to write those scenes in which he went off the deep end with Carmela or Christopher or Paulie or the poor bartender at the Bada Bing, and then watch Gandolfini flawlessly execute them.
All this paved the way for characters like Don Draper and Walter White and Vic Mackey and Dexter Morgan and all the rest of our cable anti-heroes who lead questionable lives but whom we all want to see come out squeaky clean in the end. The power of the individual performance allowed not only “The Sopranos” but the rest to take big chances and change how we consumed television. It allowed Showtime to take a chance on an anti-hero, and FX and AMC and Netflix to do the same. It made Sunday nights the must-see TV night. Think about all your favorite shows… they all air on Sunday nights. That’s because of the power and the emotion and the rage and the ability of James Gandolfini, of what he did every Sunday night on HBO for 86 episodes.
He was truly amazing.
So much was written Wednesday about the man and it was all incredibly moving and tugged at your heart strings. By all accounts Gandolfini was a gentle giant who never forgot a face or an encounter, no matter how small, and made everyone feel as if they were the most important person in the room. These reflections couldn’t have been more refreshing to read. Someone who achieved his level of fame could’ve easily acted differently and no one would look the other way. Just goes shows the type of man he was and the legacy he leaves behind.
I spent any free time Wednesday watching old ‘Sopranos’ clips, thinking about his other flawless cinematic performances, and reading countless lists and reflections about the man, A co-worker and I even went and ate Italian for dinner at a place called “Godfathers,” which even had a painting on the wall inside of Tony and his crew. Just seemed like the right thing to do. And who could forget my old 1999 Chevy Tahoe, which I aptly called “Stugots” after Tony’s boat on the show. I told my buddy, Jay, that it was a night like Wednesday night I wish I still had Stugots, so I could just take a drive and pretend I was Tony Soprano huffing up the driveway one last time.
Rest In Peace, James.