Blog Archives
Sports Lose Two Legends in Jeter, Lewis
LOS ANGELES — There aren’t two more iconic figures in their respective sports than Derek Jeter and Ray Lewis. Consistent staples in a business overrun by constant changes, where players trade hats and jerseys like children exchange … what do kids trade these days? It’s not baseball cards anymore, is it? Emoji messages? STDs?
Jeter and Lewis are legends, and that’s an understatement. First-ballot Hall of Famers, who five years after their retirement will be rightfully celebrated in Cooperstown and Canton. And the best part about the festivities is there won’t be a debate as to what cap or jersey the two will be recognized in. For this generation of sports fans, you can’t think of the Yankees without the dignitary of the dugout, or the Ravens without the gargantuan of the gridiron, coming to mind. Literal faces of their respective franchises.
Both were taken from their teams and sports fans over the weekend in the form of potential career-ending injuries; Jeter with a broken ankle and Lewis in the form of torn triceps muscles. Jeter, already hobbled in the post season, suffered his injury in extra innings of Game 1 of the ALCS diving for a Jhonny Peralta groundball which proved to be the game-winner for the Tigers. Lewis, who was declared lost for the year on Monday, meanwhile, went to the infirmary doing what he’s always done: chasing down a would-be touchdown maker.
The duo are the last of their breed. Superstar athletes who’ve played their entire career with one franchise and did so at the highest possible level; the championship stratosphere. Jeter was the backbone of five Yankees World Series titles; Lewis was the MVP of Super Bowl XXXV, the Ravens 35-7 victory over the Giants.
While some have said Lewis’ play has slipped in recent years, he’s still been the unquestioned leader of a perennially top-ranked defense, and showed no signs of slowing down this season. He was on a 152-tackle pace at the time of his injury, which would’ve been his highest since 2003.
Jeter had a spectacular 2012 season in leading the Yankees to another AL East division crown. He played in all but 3 games while going to bat the most times in his most career; his 216 hits were his most since 1999. Jeter was 9-for-27 in the postseason at the time of his injury.
On the field, with a combined 35 years of professional experience in two cities, Jeter and Lewis share adjectives that define their playing style: warrior, leader, charismatic, gamer, clutch. They’re quintessential plays are also quick to come to mind: Jeter’s postseason flip against Oakland, diving into the stands against Boston, a home run for his 3,000th hit, the jump throw and his arms raised in victory; Lewis’ pregame dance, the rousing sideline speeches, punishing hits, his Super Bowl interception and playoff sacks of Tom Brady.
Off the field, their lives couldn’t be more different. Jeter’s bachelorhood is the stuff of legends, the idolization of wannabe teens and playboys everywhere (even A-Rod). The New York penthouse apartment, wooing of Hollywood’s biggest stars and of course, the gift basket. Lewis has several children, is big in his South Florida community and preaches in his spare time. His transformation from potential inmate to pillar of faith and inner strength is what personal redemption is all about.
Phenomenal players and better men. The debate will rage in the coming weeks and into their sports offseasons as to what their futures hold. “Should they retire?” is the question you’ll see on NFL and MLB Networks, on ESPN and in magazines and online articles. I told anyone who would listen I thought Peyton Manning should’ve retired this past summer rather than risk further injury to his neck by playing another football season, but the case for Jeter and Lewis are different. Surely, a broken foot will heal and doesn’t affect the shortstop’s ability to hit a baseball, such torn triceps can be repaired and won’t slow the linebacker’s path to the running back.
Do I think they should come back? Both are playing at a high level, so sure, give it one last go. Major League Baseball and the National Football League are better with those two men in them, competing, representing all they have to offer. But don’t drag it out. Announce at the beginning this is it, a la Chipper Jones and let the fans pay their respects throughout the season. Then walk away gracefully. Like icons.
2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 5
LOS ANGELES — The real refs returned in time for last Thursday night’s game in Baltimore and you can guess how long the love affair lasted. Right, about a quarter. Ask Green Bay if they like the replacements or the regular refs better? If New Orleans can have an interim to the interim head coach, maybe we can get some replacements for the replacement refs just for Packers games. Good thing Rodgers’ Ruffryders came through this week (thanks to a Garrett Hartley missed field goal, to boot) or we might have a Mike McCarthy-led mutiny on our hands. But it was good to see ‘ole Ed Hochuli and his guns out there again. Apparently Sports Illustrated thought so, too. Speaking of, does it look like a lot more of these officials are yoked up these days? Did the new deal involve free Bowflex’s and GNC Gold Card memberships? This is making me feel like a weakling.
OK, I’m gonna mix in some push-ups here while you read who’s the man. Let’s get it.
32.) Cleveland Browns (0-4) (32) — Does anyone on the Browns have a hot wife I can post pictures of to make the bottom of this poll more entertaining and attractive? Someone has to, right? Quick, lemme Google Brandon Weeden’s wife real quick … OK, so this ain’t so bad. I mean, that’s a great view, right? AmIright? [crickets…]
31.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) (28) — I never thought it would ever come to this, but I actually considered trading MJD from my fantasy team this week. That’s how bad it’s gotten in Jacksonville.
30.) Tennessee Titans (1-3) (27) — OK, Chris Johnson fantasy owners, you can all calm down now. CJ ran for 141 yards this week and while he didn’t score, you have to be encouraged that he did SOMETHING, right? And while you never want to see anyone get hurt, I am glad that my brother Matt Hasselbeck is going to get some burn here for the next couple weeks. Go easy on the Pick 6s, though. #BaldIsBeautiful
29.) Oakland Raiders (1-3) (29) — Richard Seymour, I love ya, buddy. You were a Patriot for years. Won some Super Bowls. But you can’t honestly think your defense is “close” like you said this week, can you? Close to what? Last place in my poll? Yes, you’re close to that. Again. Peyton Manning just threw another touchdown pass.
28.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) (23) — Did I read that right? Matt Cassel has 10 turnovers in four games? Wow. That’s impressive even for me, someone who’s been known to sling it all over the yard in my day. At least that’s what the Biddeford head coach told me when I returned to the area as a reporter. Seriously, first time I interviewed him, he said: “yeah, I remember you. You used to sling it all over the yard at TA, right?” I thought that was pretty cool. And yes, against the Tigers, I threw three interceptions and we lost 42-7. That was 12 years ago. Remember it like it was yesterday.
27.) New Orleans Saints (0-4) (26) — Poor Aaron Kromer. The aforementioned interim to the interim head coach just wants to not go winless in his short coaching stint. Well, he’s got two more games to get one and it doesn’t get any easier this weekend with the Chargers coming to the Dome. The Saints played their best game of the season in Green Bay, got a gift from the real refs and still lost. Sometimes it’s just not your year.
26.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3) (18) — This team and the Rams I really don’t get. I thought the Bucs were a lock to make the playoffs, then the Falcons have gone out and been the best team in the league and the Saints have been the worst. But Josh Freeman hasn’t improved. Doug Martin hasn’t been the dynamite back we all thought and people seem to think Greg Schiano is an a-hole. Might be a long year in Tampa. And it’s hot there, which sucks.
25. Detroit Lions (1-3) (22) — Remember when I said the Lions were frauds and that I was rolling with the Vikings? Yup, they went out and proved that this week by losing to Minnesota. At home. Detroit’s special teams is atrocious and that vaunted run defense gave up 100+ to a one-legged Adrian Peterson. I hope Jim Schwartz rented his home.
24.) Carolina Panthers (1-3) (24) — I really wish you could have seen what I saw from a certain player in the locker room after the game. It was priceless and tells you all you need to know about the Panthers. They are a mess. But I did like the effort this past week against Atlanta. They can win some games, but they’re definitely not celebrating the win afterwards together, despite what Ryan Kalil has printed on a t-shirt.
23.) Miami Dolphins (1-3) (31) — I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is the last time the Dolphins are behind the Jets in this poll. Mr. Lauren Tannehill really showed me something. Sure, his stats (26-of-41, 431 yards, TD, 2 INT) were helped by a couple of great catch-and-runs by Brian Hartline, but still, someone has to throw him the ball and that someone was Lauren Tannehill’s husband. Also, if you haven’t watched a Joe Philbin presser, check it out. Underrated funny.
22.) New York Jets (2-2) (19) — I tell ya what, that was some Rex Ryan post game press conference after Sunday’s spanking by the 49ers. Is it what the Jets needed? Will it work? Who the hell knows. Personally, I think Rex is seriously on the hot seat. This could end badly. Like worse than his lapband surgery. In a way, I kinda miss the fat Rex. He was much more fun and prone to say real stupid junk. How bad is Houston gonna blank them this week on Monday Night Football? 45-0? That’d be great.
21.) Indianapolis Colts (1-2) (25) — Don’t play and move up 4 spots. Why not? But seriously, this Chuck Pagano thing is downright terrible. When I was in elementary school, one of our classmates had Leukemia and I remember our teacher would have a few of us write her letters every couple days. I wasn’t close with her, in fact, her name escapes me at this moment, but I wrote her the best letter I could. And I’m sure that reading them, even from someone like me whom she barely knew, made her feel well and alive. I’m wishing Chuck Pagano my best.
20.) St. Louis Rams (2-2) (30) — I’m excited to get my first real look at this Rams team on Thursday night on NFL Network against the Cardinals. Pretty much if Sam Bradford stays healthy then they’re fine. Danny Amendola is turning into the poor man’s Wes Welker and Steven Jackson is still a beast. I don’t know much else, but beating the Seahawks is good enough for me.
19.) Buffalo Bills (2-2) (21) — Realizing where I just ranked the Bills, I said to myself: “The Bills got shellacked and moved up? That can’t be right.” Well, it is. There are a lot of bad teams right now in the NFL and while I don’t think Buffalo is good by any stretch, they did have the Patriots on the serious ropes for a half. If Ryan Fitzpatrick doesn’t turn the ball over, the Bills seriously could have won. But where was that defense everyone talked so much about this offseason? I mean, 243 rushing yards to Stevan Ridley and Brandon Bolden? Jeez, Louise.
18.) Seattle Seahawks (2-2) (14) — Is our love affair with Russell Wilson over yet? Brandon Weeden didn’t play terribly against the Ravens and with Ryan Tannehill throwing up 431 yards, that would push Wilson into the 5-hole among the rookie QBs, right? Seattle’s defense is going to carry this team for a bit until Wilson either flames out or Matt Flynn is healthy enough to assume the starting job.
17.) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) (13) — Where to begin with last night’s Cowboys/Bears game? My friend dubbed this the Douchebag QB Bowl but that’s not really right. I don’t think Tony Romo is a d-bag but he certainly played like one last night. Sure, two of the picks were deflected but the other 3 were terrible. Not even I threw them that egregiously. All that was missing last night was T.O.
16.) Washington Redskins (2-2) (16) — Blow a huge lead and then come back to win it. Well damn, that’s some moxie. Even if it shouldn’t have been that close. Billy, Billy, Billy. What are we going to do with Billy Cundiff? Misses what, three field goals that would’ve put this game out of reach well before Tampa’s comeback and then hits the game-winner? Oh, and tell my good friend Robert it’s OK to SLIDE every once in a while.
15.) New York Giants (2-2) (4) — Maybe this is too far of a drop, but seriously, where in the hell was Eli throwing that ball on the end zone interception? Where? And to whom? Because all I saw were three Eagles there waiting for it. I told you it was going to be one of these seasons. No rhyme or reason. And you’re the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, gotta have more than 57 yards rushing. Gotta.
14.) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2) (10) — You know what I love? Stats like Mike Tomlin is 4-1 coming off a Bye Week. I love that shhh. Totally meaningless, but yet it completely makes sense. Random story about Mike Tomlin. He was at the Senior Bowl earlier this year in Mobile, Ala., as was I. And he wore the same exact outfit two consecutive days, which made me wonder what he was doing the night before. In Mobile. Now I’m not saying I’ve never done it, but I’m also not a Super Bowl-winning head coach who makes millions of dollars a year. But he did have on the tightest Air Force 1s. Dude has serious swag.
13.) Minnesota Vikings (3-1) (20) — Let’s check in with my Vikings fan buddy Jimmy: “D looks like the purple people eaters of old” … “We’re for real Just gotta believe. Remember how everyone laughed when they drafted Ponder? He’s gonna be ok” … “The glory days are back baby.” Yeah, he’s feeling good and those good feelings should remain after they roll through the Titans on Sunday.
12.) San Diego Chargers (3-1) (17) — Probably not a good sign when you bench your 1st Round running back from a couple years ago because he can’t hold onto the football. I’m not expert, but that’s an important skill to have. I wonder if Norv has Ryan Mathews walking around the facility like Omar Epps in “The Program?” Talk about an underrated movie. That one should get remade in a few years, I’m guessing. I’d be down for that. Maybe I could get a part as an assistant coach in charge of HGH administration.
11.) Denver Broncos (2-2) (9) — Quick look at Peyton Manning’s line from Sunday: 30-of-38, 338 yards, 3 TDs. I’d say he’s back. Funny, listening to Bill Belichick talk about Manning (it’s Patriots v. Broncos in Week 5) and he said No. 18 looks like his old self and the Broncos are running 95% of the Colts old offense; really interesting. Let’s hope the results follow history’s path. Brady is 8-4 against Manning all-time.
10.) Chicago Bears (3-1) (12) — That’s what everyone envisioned what Jay Cutler-to-Brandon Marshall would look like when the Bears traded for the enigmatic receiver. He sure torched the Cowboys, didn’t he? Look, I hate Cutler just as much as the next guy, but I love how every move he makes on the sideline now is scrutinized like the Zapruder Film. In his defense, though, I wouldn’t want to stand next to Mike Tice for that long, either. Oh, and Chicago’s defense sure looks pretty good, huh? Though, Tony Romo made it pretty easy for them.
9.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-1) (15) — Well, that was an impressive win against the Giants, Sunday night. I still don’t think Michael Vick is going to remain upright for the entire season. However, if Andy Reid wants to keep winning, he’ll keep feeding LeSean McCoy (123 yards vs. Giants). There isn’t another back in the league who makes open-field moves like Shady. He should get 30 touches a game.
8.) New England Patriots (2-2) (8) — The first half of last weeks’ game illustrated the Patriots’ deficiencies; the second half showed how explosive this offense can be and why some said it could be better than 2007. Tom Brady was Tom Brady, but who knew the running game could be that dynamic? Stevan Ridley? Brandon Bolden? I went and picked up Bolden when he was around the 70-yard mark, who knew he still had 70 more to go?
7.) Arizona Cardinals (4-0) (11) — I’m not quite a believer in the Cardinals, but I’m getting there. But, I did like this stat: they’ve won 11-of-their-last-13 games dating back to last year. That has to count for something, right? And by a show of hands, how many of you immediately picked up or put in a waiver claim for Andre Roberts as soon as Kevin Kolb’s ball hit his hands for a touchdown on that last drive?
6.) Green Bay Packers (2-2) (6) — The highest ranked of the .500 teams, the Packers finally played a complete game and it almost still wasn’t enough. But it was good to see Aaron Rodgers go off (319 yards, 4 TDs) for fantasy owners and I’ve decided there’s not a cooler sack celebration than Clay Matthews’ beast. Jared Allen’s calf rope had been my No. 1 but I’m down with Matthews now. Plus, I’m still diggin’ those State Farm commercials: “Show me, show me what ya got, Raji”.
5.) Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) (7) — The Ginger Rocket is no joke (5th in Passer Rating and 4th in TDs). And I have to hear every Sunday night how awesome A.J. Green is because he went to Georgia from Jantzen, but don’t you get the feeling that at some point Marvin Lewis is going to remember he’s Marvin Lewis and FUBAR this whole operation up? Until then, the Bengals are going to Who Dey all over everyone to more wins.
4.) San Francisco 49ers (3-1) (5) — That’s more like it from the 49ers; a spanking of an overmatched opponent. Before the season, I was talking to some people about fantasy running backs and wondered why no one had Frank Gore near the top. Got a lot of, “he’s too old” comments. How about the 1,300-yard pace he’s on now? That OK for everyone? Thought so. Would like to see more from their WRs though. Mario Manningham can’t be your No. 1. He just can’t.
3.) Baltimore Ravens (3-1) (3) — As is the case with all the Thursday night teams, I have basically forgotten what you did to make you so impressive, but I know you didn’t do anything to drop. So here are the Ravens. Torrey Smith is ballin’ right now. And in my fantasy league, my buddy still has Joe Flacco on his bench, which just seems silly at this point, even if he is starting Cam Newton.
2.) Houston Texans (4-0) (2) — Number one in total defense. Second against the pass. Fifth in sacks. Yes, the Texans opponents have a combined 6-10 but you can only play who’s in front of you and they’ve dominated all comers to this point. Arian Foster is on a 412-carry pace, which concerns me and Andre Johnson has been real quiet so far. More offensive balance would be nice but with that division, expect Gary Kubiak’s mug to be near the top all season.
1.) Atlanta Falcons (4-0) (1) — How ’bout the onions on Matt Ryan on that throw on 1st and 10 from the 1-foot line late in the Panthers game last weekend? That would make me react like this, too. In fact, that last time I saw someone literally just drop back and throw the ball as far as they could, well, it was me. Senior year at Syracuse, first game of the flag football season. For some reason, our game against these freshman came down to the wire and on the last play of the game I reared back and let it fly 60 yards to the right corner of the end zone, where it landed in the hands of my buddy James for a touchdown. My now buddy, Sean McBride, was defending and will tell you exactly how it went down. Oh, right, the Falcons are good.
2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 4
LOS ANGELES — I wasn’t paying attention this weekend, did anything controversial happen?? What in Hank Stram’s jet black toupee went on in Week 3!!?! Was there something in the sideline Gatorade? Did these replacement refs have a bad shift at the toll booth before their games? Seriously. Between Pole Gate and Golden Gate the only thing I really have to say is:
Before this post gets flagged for pass interference, let’s find out who’s the man.
32.) Cleveland Browns (record: 0-3) (last week: 28) — I actually don’t think the Browns are all that bad, but Brandon Weeden is killing them after three games. He’s tied for the lead league in interceptions (6) and is 30th in Passer Rating (60.7). The defense has been formidable but you get the feeling it’s going to take something flukey or a big special teams play to turn the tide and get in the W column.
31.) Miami Dolphins (1-2) (29) — Yes, the Dolphins should’ve beat the Jets last weekend. No, they did not. Yes, I’m jealous of Dan Carpenter’s luscious flowing locks. No, I’m not jealous of his kicking abilities in pressure situations. Crazy to think if Miami had pulled that out, it’d be in first place in the AFC East. It’s going to be one of those years.
30.) St. Louis Rams (1-2) (23) — I don’t know what to make of this Rams team, gotta be honest. Kinda goes with how the NFC West is shaking out this year, don’t ya think?
29.) Oakland Raiders (1-2) (32) — Our buddy Jantzen, a life-long, rabid Steelers fan, went up to the Black Hole last weekend for the Pittsburgh/Oakland game and texted these nuggets about the ambiance: “I’ve gotten a lot of ‘Fuck the steelers’ chants in our direction. It seriously is scary.” And then there was this one: “the Raiders fans just booed the Steve sabol tribute cause it ends with the immaculate reception.” Stay classy, Oakland.
28.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) (31) — Has anyone seen Justin Blackmon? Is he all right? Did he get another DUI and no one bailed him out of jail yet? I know it’s extremely early to throw around bust talk, but when you draft a receiver 5th overall you expect him to have more than 4 catches for 31 yards. I know Blaine Gabbert is throwing him the ball, but how many weeks can that be an excuse?
27.) Tennessee Titans (1-2) (30) — That was some wild game but Jake Locker suddenly doesn’t look terrible (this week). But seriously, Chris Johnson, what gives? It wasn’t cool when you blamed the offensive line for not creating holes and this 1.4 yards per carry thing isn’t gonna fly since it’s doubtful you’ll get 1,200 carries this season. But ah, nice hair?
26.) New Orleans Saints (0-3) (17) — Panic Button, meet the Saints. Or at least their fans. Yeah, I’d say it’s nearly time to think about 2013 and with the Packers up next 0-4 is a real strong possibility. I love these research nuggets: since 1990 exactly ONE TEAM has made the playoffs after starting 0-4, that highly memorable 1992 San Diego Chargers, led by the late great Junior Seau and the Stan Humphries/Marion Butts offensive combo.
25.) Colts (1-2) (25) — Andrew Luck threw for 313 yards but the Colts rushing attack is only 23rd in the league (90.3 ypg). He’s gotta get some help and the defense needs to not have brain farts that lead to 80-yard touchdown passes to the Jaguars if Jim Irsay’s playtoy wants to have a successful season. Oh, and how about the Reggie Wayne resurgence. He leads the league in targets (40) and is 4th in receptions (23).
24.) Carolina Panthers (1-2) (16) — So it appears the Cam Newton backlash has started and is quite real, as evidenced by this Hello Kitty mock cartoon. Look, I didn’t like the Superman TD celebration down 23-0 either and Cam does seem to have a sulking problem, but he’ll be fine. I was more concerned with the whole getting straight up punked on national TV at home.
23.) Kansas City Chiefs (1-2) (27) — Because #KickersArePeopleToo, has there been a better Mr. Irrelevant than Ryan Succop? He’s made all six of his field goals this season, including the game-winner in overtime to beat the Saints last week. Oh, and Jamaal Charles appears to be back. Man, did he ever look fast on that 91-yard touchdown run.
22.) Detroit Lions (1-2) (18) — Defense struggled. Offense kept them in the game. Calvin Johnson leads the league in 20+ yard plays. That all sounds about right for the Lions. But I’m rolling with the Vikings in the NFC North for now.
21.) Buffalo Bills (2-1) (24) — If the Bills really want to prove they belong in the playoff discussion they best show up and play like they mean it this week at home against the semi-reeling Patriots. Poor C.J. Spiller had one week as the best player in the NFL before injuring his shoulder, though Fred Jackson somehow thinks he’s going to play this weekend (poorer guy). That leaves Tashard Choice has the Amish Rifle’s offensive cohort. Yikes.
20.) Minnesota Vikings (2-1) (26) — Just before the game my buddy Jimmy the Vikings fan texted me: “how bad are the Vikings gonna get a– raped today,” so confidence was high going in. After Minny got ahead by two scores he chimed in: “quick stop the game. Isn’t there a tornado or something in the area.” It’s gonna be one of those seasons in the Homerdome. In other news, I picked up Christian Ponder to be my backup in fantasy. So he’s now on two first place teams.
19.) New York Jets (2-1) (22) — I have no idea what’s going on with the Jets and don’t really want to try and figure it out. Darrelle Revis is out for the year with an ACL tear, which obviously hurts their heavily-relied upon defense. And what are they doing with Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow? I know what they’re NOT doing: completing passes.
18.) Tampa Bay Bucs (1-2) (13) — I get the feeling this Bucs team is going to do well at home and struggle on the road. Though, I did confidently prognosticate they’d make the playoffs a week ago, so START PLAYING WELL ON THE ROAD!!
17.) San Diego Chargers (2-1) (12) — Perhaps this speaks more to how good the Falcons are than how bad the Chargers really are, but seriously. You had Atlanta coming cross country on a short week and you STILL got blown out. That’s just embarrassing.
16.) Washington Redskins (1-2) (11) — Did I see that the Redskins signed running back Ryan Grant this week? Really, Mike Shanahan? ANOTHER running back? Patriots:Tight Ends = Redskins:Running Backs. Yeah, I just went SAT on your ass.
15.) Philadelphia Eagles (2-1) (10) — When you stop and realize the Eagles are a dropped INT in the end zone and a bogus replacement ref P.I. call away from being 0-3, you come to the wonder just a.) how bad are they, really? and b.) should Andy Reid be on the hot seat? Hell, here’s a c.) is Michael Vick gonna get benched or carted off the field first?
14.) Seattle Seahawks (2-1) (21) — The good thing about this Seahawks roller coaster is you don’t have to wait in line for 90 minutes to ride it. And it lasts 3 hours instead of 5 minutes. OK, look, we all know (except Golden Tate, Pete Carroll and the NFL apparently) that it was an interception on Monday, so really, Seattle should be lower. But like Mr. Parcells says, you are what your record is and Carroll’s crew is 2-1. Don’t forget to fasten your seatbelt.
13.) Dallas Cowboys (2-1) (15) — Funny how with all that’s going with the replacement refs, Belichick, Rodgers, the crappy Saints, Cardinals shocking everyone, Eagles, that the Cowboys are seemingly flying under the radar. Who thought we’d ever say that?
12.) Chicago Bears (2-1) (14) — The defense won this game for Chicago last week, we can all agree on that. I’m not saying its carrying Jay Cutler’s dopey ass so far this season but Mr. Cavallari is tied for the lead league in INTs (6), 4th in times sacked (11) and 2nd to last in passer rating (58.6). But he currently is in 1st in Picking On Guys On Your Team Twice Your Size. So good job!
11.) Arizona Cardinals (3-0) (20) — Overreaction jump in the rankings! Kevin Kolb! Defense! Loud Noises!
10.) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2) (8) — More from diehard Steelers fan Jantzen: “There was a woman behind me that said ‘I’m gonna beat the shit out of a steeler fan tonight’ after DHB got knocked the fuck out. When Antonio Brown fumbled, that same woman jumped on the back of my seat, put her arms around me and started shaking me. The closest steeler fans were 10 rows away from us. I thought I was gonna get shanked. Lucikly she left me alone. Part of me is glad we lost.” Raiders fans, everybody!
9.) Denver Broncos (1-2) (9) — Some of the tweets during the Texans/Broncos game this week were interesting. A lot of “Peyton Manning can’t throw anymore” floating around out there. Look, Peyton’s never thrown the prettiest ball but it always got there and in a HURRY. Through 3 weeks it’s clear we’re not seeing that just yet. Now, will it come back? Or is this the Peyton 2.0. But it was kinda cool seeing him get back the Broncos back in the game they had no business being in.
8.) New England Patriots (1-2) (6) — You’ve all seen the stat by now: the Patriots haven’t been under .500 since Week 1, 2003 when they got routed by the Bills. Now, New England went on to win the Super Bowl that year so maybe that’s a good sign for this year, but so far the offense is out of sync (except when they go no-huddle) and the defense can’t make a big stop. What do you think of the 50 large Bill dropped for “getting the referee’s attention?” Worth it? I saw an interesting tweet that said it was basically like us regular folk being fined $400. I don’t know if anything is worth 4 bones. Wait, I’ve lost more than that in one night at the craps table. Nevermind.
7.) Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) (19) — This Bengals team is that girl who works at the coffee shop you see on Tuesday mornings for 5 minutes and you can’t decide if she’s cute or not. Some days she is and you talk yourself into her, and other days you hide your face behind the paper so she doesn’t make small talk at the counter. So, yeah, Cincy gave up a big lead to the Redskins, but still, did you see it build a huge lead on the road against a team most thought was pretty good? It was impressive. The Ginger Rifle was throwing darts and there’s big play guys all over the field. Then again, Marvin Lewis is the coach, so we’ll see how long this lasts. But two games in a row is pretty good.
6.) Green Bay Packers (1-2) (5) — The Mike Silver Revolution is nearly complete with this latest WTFJH craze. So besides that, here’s the Top 5 Things to Result From Golden Gate: 5- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”; 4- Aaron Rodgers apologizing on behalf of the entire NFL; 3- Pete Carroll doing anything; 2- Free Ed Hochuli movements; 1- T.J. Lang’s Twitter account.
5.) San Francisco 49ers (2-1) (1) — Is it possible the 49ers just had a bad week in Minnesota? Sure. If it happens again this week in New Jersey, then maybe it’s time to re-think the Harbaugh genius.
4.) New York Giants (2-1) (7) — My favorite items from the Tom Coughlin “A Football Life” in no particular order: he went to Syracuse and all the shots of the Hill, Coughlin created chaos during the family moves, Coughlin telling the guy to put on longer pants and stop wearing “bermuda shorts,” Fred Taylor saying he got injured “once,” the “N-O” button on his desk, his wife saying “I don’t want him around full time,” John Madden’s phone message after Week 17 in 2007 and the emotion in his voice, taking 3 shots to make can in trash: “ugh, basketball,” Floyd Little, “is the Gatorade bath really sticky?” question from the kid and Frierson coming in and saying “it looks like Philip Rivers!” at his college photo.
3.) Baltimore Ravens (2-1) (4) — Joe Flacco. I know the Ravens have Ray Rice and he’s a top 4 back in the league, but seriously, this team will come and go as far as #5. And Justin Tucker, you get one free pass in this league; Sunday night was your pass. Next time, don’t make it that close. It was a 27-yard field goal. Seriously, bro. High School girls can make that kick with ease.
2.) Houston Texans (3-0) (3) — One of the final three unbeatens, the Texans looked like a true contender last week until the final 5 minutes when they let Peyton back in the game. But let’s get to the real issue: did you see Matt Schaub get decapitated?! He ended up losing a piece of his ear on the hit! Watching live, I thought he was dead. Or at least KTFO. But yeah, the Texans are good.
1.) Atlanta Falcons (3-0) (2) — A couple weeks ago I said that Ed Reed is an ageless wonder, well double that for Tony Gonzalez. He’s got 3 TDs in the first three games and is 7th in the league in receptions (21). He said before the season he was 99% decided this was his last year, well if he keeps playing like this, he may reconsider. And hands down, Matty Ice is the MVP of the first three weeks of the NFL. I’m riding him to the ROFFL Title this year. Bank it.
2012 NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 2
LOS ANGELES — So, how was that Week 1 for ya? Go down smooth like Saturday’s scotch? How you feelin’ down in NOLA? Up in Green Bay? Out in Philly? Hit the panic button yet? Think Mark Sanchez slept the sleep of kings Sunday night? How about Mike Shanahan? Oh yes, the NFL is back in a big way. Many dazzled (cough, Peyton Manning, cough) and others fizzled (looking right ya, Carson) but you can’t dispute now being the best time of the year. Replacement refs? We’re stuck with them. Oh, and my fantasy teams went 4-1 over the weekend. Four letters. One world. Bang.
The only question I have left: Who’s the Man? Let’s run it down.
32.) Miami Dolphins (record: 0-1) (last week: 31) — I’m guessing the ‘Fins might run their own occupy movement this season. Like, how many consecutive weeks can they occupy the bottom spot in my rankings. I, on the other hand, am going to occupy a new picture of Lauren Tannehill on this space until they climb out of the cellar. Good luck (“Taken” voice.)
31.) Oakland Raiders (0-1) (22) — Sweet mother of Al Davis, Oakland looked terrible. I’m not going to pile on the poor backup longsnapper, but he’s not a real person. Some analyst said the three keys for the Raiders this year is to get the ball to Darren McFadden, get the ball to Darren McFadden and get the ball to Darren McFadden. I can’t disagree.
30.) Cleveland Browns (0-1) (32) — I’m not saying Brandon Weeden would’ve been better off if he just stayed trapped under the giant American Flag like some rightwing R.Kelly, but he would’ve been better off staying under that gigantic American Flag in pregame. Not even 17-year-old Chris Brockman threw 4 picks in a game and I threw a LOT of picks in high school.
29.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) (28) — Maurice Jones-Drew’s 95 total yards squashed the notion that Pocket Hercules was being relegated to “third down back” like Mike Mularkey originally stated. Now, for that defense.
28.) Tennessee Titans (0-1) (24) — So Chris Johnson had 4 rushing yards and Jake Locker got hurt trying to make a tackle on an interception. But hey, Nate Washington had a TD catch (Fantasy Team Alert!) so all is good in Nashville!
27.) Buffalo Bills (0-1) (18) — Well, well, well. This is Earth, Bills fans. Welcome back to it. Look, I thought Buffalo would beat the Jets, too. But but New York went all TSA and stripped down the Amish Rifle and Co. I think this says more about how the Bills are PREtenders than the Jets being CONtenders, but yes, you should be panicking in the 716.
26.) Arizona Cardinals (1-0) (30) — So let me get this straight. Kevin Kolb is the guy now? After one good drive? What week does Larry Fitzgerald demand a trade to New England? It’s election season; I’m starting a “Free Fitz” campaign.
25.) Indianapolis Colts (0-1) (25) — I’m sticking by what I said last week about 25 being the lowest the Colts are all season. Luck is going to have times this year where he looks like a rookie, but these numbers are worth noting: 21-of-37, 302 yds, TD, 3 INT. Not #12’s from Sunday, but Peyton Manning’s from his 1998 debut. #18’s doing all right.
24.) St. Louis Rams (0-1) (27) — Yes, the Rams should’ve beaten the Lions. No, they did not. But that defense sure looked feisty. Once Sam Bradford gets some viable offense weapons not named Steven or Jackson, he’ll be in good shape. He can sling it, though.
23.) Minnesota Vikings (1-0) (29) — My buddy from home texted me right after Blair whatever his name is’s (#StillNotSureKickersArePeopleToo) kick went through the uprights at the Homer Dome: “Perfect season.” So yeah, there’s hope in Minnesota. But let’s not carried away after one week.
22.) Seahawks (0-1) (23) — So the bandwagon got a little less crowded Monday, but that still doesn’t mean the Seachickens aren’t a good team, or any less likely to make the playoffs. They still play tough at home, have a good (we think) coach and Russell Wilson is going to make plays. Starting 0-2, however, not a good look.
21.) Chiefs (0-1) (17) — In Kansas City’s defense, a lot of teams are going to have trouble stopping the Falcons this season. HOWever, Jamaal Charles looked nice in his return from knee surgery, but Matt Cassel has to play better. That’s just the bottom line.
20.) Eagles (1-0) (16) — The funniest thing I’ve read headline-wise in a while is the “Here A Vick, There A Vick, Everywhere A Vick Pick” from the Philly Daily News on Monday. As my high school coach used to say, if you have any confusion, Michael, you’re in green, they’re in white.
19.) Panthers (0-1) (15) — Cue the sophomore slump talk! These are the facts of the case: Cam Newton had just one TD and generated 10 points. But he still threw for 300+ yards and completed 69.7% of his passes. Let’s call it rust and wait a few weeks, shall we?
18.) Bengals (0-1) (8) — So the Bengals have the biggest drop this week, dropping 10 spots. They just looked overwhelmed on the big opening night stage and Dalton appeared to take a step back. That’s the Tuesday Morning QB theme. And who is Andrew Hawkins and could he be the next Darren Sproles? That’s what Marc is hoping in my fantasy league.
17.) Jets (1-0) (26) — So THAT’s where all the good plays have been hiding! Look, the Jets couldn’t beat my high school with how they looked in the preseason, but if this is how Mark Sanchez is gonna play then maybe they’ll be contenders after all. Still don’t know what to make of the “Tebow Package;” is it a ruse? He lined up at WR but only had 5 rushes. I still say Sanchez should’ve demanded a trade the day Tebow was acquired.
16.) Chargers (1-0) (19) — So after blowing out his ACL on the opening kickoff last season, Nate Kaeding kicked 5 field goals in Monday’s win over the Raiders. Yup, same old Chargers.
15.) Steelers (0-1) (12) — So the Steelers were playing without their leading defensive back AND linebacker and barely lost to a resurgent Peyton Manning? Oh, and their running back is out and top WR has only practiced a couple of hours. What was the score again? And a couple linemen were hurt? I can’t tell if Mike Tomlin’s team is fine or in reeeeeeeallllllly bad shape moving forward.
14.) Lions (1-0) (11) — Truthfully, I wanted to drop the Lions even more than 3 spots but they’re definitely better than all these teams below them. But, seriously, come on, Matt Stafford, you’re better than this. Three picks to the Rams? I get all the passing yards, and thanks, since I picked you in the #REPPicks contest, but you gotta do better than a last-second TD pass to win. You made the playoffs last year, for crying out loud.
13.) Broncos (1-0) (14) — Yes, Peyton Manning looked pretty good. I thought for sure he’d leave that game not under his own power. But let’s remember the Broncos beat a pretty banged up Steelers squad. Let’s see how they do on Monday, on the road, against an explosive team. Oh, and good to have you back, #18.
12.) Bucs (1-0) (13) — Well color me surprised. In fact, rain on me surprised and watch me twirl my head around and kick my legs like those strippers on the sideline disguised as Bucs cheerleaders. Seriously, is there another set of pom-pom toters hotter than Tampa Bay’s? So the Bucs are off to a good start. Any time you can hold Cam Newton to 10 points, you’re doing something right. And I’d really like to love me some Josh Freeman again. Say hit to Calypso for me. Don’t let him escape the house again.
11.) Saints (0-1) (7) — It’s too early to tell if it’s panic time in NOLA, but the Saints defense sure didn’t look too good, now did it? I know the player suspensions have been overturned, but they’re not gonna matter much. We’re gonna really find out how important a head coach is to the team this year in the Bayou.
10.) Giants (0-1) (1) — Sorry, but me oh my, Giants fans. Here we go again. Why is it every year your team puts you through this? Wouldn’t you just like to have a normal season, where it’s clear whether you’re going to make the playoffs or you not? Sure, I get it, you’ve won 2 titles in the last 5 years, I’ll shut my mouth now. Go about your season however you see fit.
9.) Redskins (1-0) (20) — How many burgundy “Griffin III” jerseys are going to be sold this week in the Beltway? 100,000? 200,000? Perhaps I’m overreacting to how good this Redskins team is, but I’m OK with that, ’cause damn are they exciting. Finally, VA and Scotty Watt and Archie’s dad have something cheer for. Not even Mike Shanahan can screw this up. Wait, can he?
8.) Cowboys (1-0) (21) — An over-reactive, dramatic rise? Perhaps. Is Jerry Jones’s personal eye-glass cleaner actually writing this? Maybes. But I thought there was no way the ‘Boys were winning the opener. Not when the Super Bowl champs were 8-0 in these games. And Tony Romo showed me something. Well, he basically showed me the same thing he’s showed everyone in the last few years: he can win during the regular season in sometimes spectacular fashion. Let’s see what ya got in January, dimples.
7.) Packers (0-1) (3) — So the Packers still aren’t gonna play any defense, is that what they’re saying? Just let me know so I can adjust my Super Bowl pick accordingly. Cripes, Alex Smith looked like … quick, who’s a good quarterback named Smith … umm … well, he looked like a good player. And by a show of hands, who thought (hoped) Randy Moss was going to moon the Green Bay crowd? [raises hand] How awesome would that have been? How do you think Joe Buck would’ve called it? Better than this, I’m guessing.
Eat it, Joe Buck.
6.) Bears (1-0) (10) — Did you see any of Jay Cutler’s press conference on Tuesday? Good to see ole’ Jay found his inner douche in the offseason. Glad being a dad hasn’t taken that inner Hamptonite out of him. Seriously, this guy. If he didn’t have a missile launcher for a right arm, he’d be just another mail man from Santa Claus. And not the cool kind who wears pointed shoes and a fuzzy ball on his hat.
5.) Texans (1-0) (6) — This is my darkhorse for the Super Bowl this year, no pun intended. Potentially great defense. Explosive offense. I mean, did you see how many times Arian Foster bowed on Sunday!?! Twice!! I was singing Rocky Top and slapping my logger Melanie’s hand repeatedly. She was pretty clueless as to my joy. She doesn’t play fantasy football.
4.) Falcons (1-0) (9) — Well hello there, Julio Jones. So that’s why Thomas Dimitroff traded all those picks to take you two years ago. I knew there was a reason. Winning on the road was impressive, but will the Falcons’ new uptempo style of play be ready for Monday Night and Peyton Manning? I’m ready. Nearly dropped a few dollars on some Falcons gear on NFL Shop this week. Another Matty Ice performance like Week 1’s and I’ll click “buy” this time around.
3.) New England Patriots (1-0) (2) — OK, I jinxed Tom Brady’s handsomeness. New England’s prince charming possibly broke his nose in the Patriots win over the Titans on Sunday (but Gisele likes it, so that means I like it). But the big story was New England’s rush attack. Stevan Ridley ran for 120 yards and is possibly Antoine Smith reincarnated. OK, maybe not. Certainly Rob Gronkowski won’t flub up the spike and Aaron Hernandez won’t NOT make it rain after touchdowns moving forward.
2.) 49ers (1-0) (5) — We knew the 49ers were good. But on the road in the Green Bay good? Yup. And we see you Randy Moss. Welcome back.
1.) Ravens (1-0) (4) — Their field goal kicker doesn’t need to worry about making chip shots when Joe Flacco and Co. are throwing it all over the schoolyard like 10-year old Chris Brockman at Valley Park Elementary. Oh, and Ed Reed. That is all.
The Chris Brockman Website 
