86th Academy Awards Running Diary
LOS ANGELES — For the first time in the last 3 years, I am not at the Academy Awards (#StraightUpBrag), so I figured I’d roll over to Berger’s place and bust out a running diary for this year’s show. Ellen DeGeneres is the host, a much safer choice compared to last year when apparently Seth MacFarlane offended everyone, but we’ll see who ends up stealing the show. I’m not expecting many surprises in terms of who the actual winners are, but you never know. OK, let’s get to it!
5:29pm PST – Since I wasn’t at the Red Carpet this year for The Eisen Podcast, figured I’d do a running diary since I can actually watch the show. Berger cares about this stuff as much as I do so hopefully we’ll have some good commentary throughout. We’re a minute away. I’m guessing it’s gonna be another long ass show. Berger thinks 3 hours and 24 minutes. I’m definitely taking the over.
5:30 – Ellen walks out and immediately goes in with a “raining in LA joke… Thank you for your prayers.” Predictable, and everyone laughed. UGH, that’s the problem with Ellen, she’s so safe and everyone loves her. But seriously, it was touch-and-go with the rain here, people. She’s not wrong about that.
5:32 – The June Squibb being old and can’t understand anything bit was funny. And is Ellen wearing velvet? Berger immediately breaks out into Seinfeld velvet lines. This is why we’re friends.
5:33 – Ellen should just quit now after that Liza Minelli male impersonator joke. That was hilarious.
5:35 – “Did Julia Roberts always have that many teeth?” Valid question by Berger. … Julia is loving this Ellen monologue. Jesus stop laughing, this is not that funny. “She’s hammered!” That’s the only explanation I’m accepting.
5:37 – Jennifer Lawrence is mostly perfect, right down to stumbling while getting out of her car. But I wouldn’t have cut my hair if I was her.
5:39 – How does Jonah Hill have a better seat than Marty Scorsese? And everyone brings their mom to this show, huh? Not gonna lie, I would bring BrockmanMary, too.
5:40 – OK, time for some awards. Anne Hathaway is out to present Best Supporting Actor. We can all agree she’s the worst, right? And it’s gotta be Jared Leto, yes? It’s the rule. Dress up like a woman/man, get the statue. They don’t break rules in Hollywood.
5:42 – Leto wins it. And Tyler Perry with the great seats next to Jennifer Garner. “The only reason I’m watching this show is for this speech.” Leto tells Ellen he loves her first. Upset of the night.
5:44 – Neck tattoo guy turns out to be Leto’s brother. “To all the dreamers out there!” Hooray for dreamers! Nice of him to mention those who’ve lost battle to AIDS. Very well done speech. Hard to top that one tonight.
5:47 – Jim Carrey out for the next awards and wow, that’s a blue suit. Lotta blue suits tonight. Lot going on with Jim’s hair, too… and he’s breaking out the weird faces. Sweet. He’s never changed… LSD joke and director cuts to U2. Was that on purpose?
5:51 – Kerry Washington comes out and damn, she’s huge! That little Nnamdi inside her is ready for the Draft. She’s here to introduce Pharrell singing some song titled “Happy.” Wait, so Jim Carrey didn’t even give out an award? What was that for then? I’m so confused. This is an awards show still, right?
5:53 – “Is there any big event that Pharrell hasn’t performed at in the last two years? When did he bcome Quincy Jones?” It’s a good point. Where’s he showing up to next? 5:1 he’s at the NFL Draft.
5:55 – Berger has these peanut butter filled pretzel bites which are basically heaven in your mouth. I just crushed 6 like it was nothing. I might eat the whole container in the next 3 hours.
5:57 – Sam Jackson walks out sans Kangol hat (also a huge upset) with Naomi Watts. “Shes in my top 5 tonight, look at her. She looks Incredible.” And Berger’s DirecTV DVR alert comes up that 2 things are abut to record at once. True Dectective and Wicked Tuna. Yeah, the tuna’s getting canceled. Oh, and they’re handing out costume design which goes to “Great Gatsby,” and Catherine Martin, which is the third win for this woman apparently and she’s also nominated in another category tonight. That seems selfish.
6:00 – HOW DID BAD GRANDPA NOT WIN FOR BEST MAKEUP?!?!??!!!!?? “Is that the same woman from the Kimmel bit before the show?” Dallas Buyers Club won, by the way. Making Jared Leto look like a hot chick takes a lot of makeup.
6:02 – Harrison Ford comes out and immediately quotes Marlon Brando. That’s the best moment of the night so far. Harry introduced as “Oscar nominated” so we look it up and it’s true, he’s never won an Oscar OR Golden Globe. He wasn’t even nominated for The Fugitive?! That’s incredible. What a joke. And he’s teasing “American Hustle,” “Dallas Buyers Club” and “Wolf of Wall Street,” the first 3 of the 9 Best Picture noms.
6:05 – Channing Tatum out next. If you painted him gold he’d look like the Oscar statue. Not for nothing, but the best part of last year’s show was post-Oscars when Tatum and Jamie Foxx were on Jimmy Kimmel playing on the piano. That was downright hilarious.
6:07 – Something funny to do during big events is seeing what ELSE is on TV. Right now we have the Fab Five 30 for 30, the Bassmasters Classic and the “Rockford Files” leading the clubhouse at the moment. Clearly I’m not mentioning “True Detective,” which I’ll be watching later tonight. Life is a flat circle of time.
6:09 – Spike has “Return of the Jedi” on, “Anchorman” too, and “The Skulls.” Some great counter programming right now, people.
6:11 – Who is this old broad with bad plastic surgery on stage with Matthew McConaughey?! Man, he’s really handsome. And why is he rubbing her back? That’s creepy. Apparently, it’s Kim Novak who was in “Vertigo.” They’re presenting animated short. We could’ve got MMc a better category.
6:17 – Sally Field walks out… “She looks unfucking believable. She has to be like 70!?” She’s 67, but I’m feeling you, Berger. And “Frozen” won for best animated feature in the least surprising victory of the night.
6:19 – Not sure I understand the point of this montage. Is it supposed to be about heroes or something? “42” was not a good movie by any stretch and it’s mixed in with all these iconic, Academy Award-winning performances. Strange.
6:21 – “Emma Watson! Holy shitballs!” Yeah, she’s out with Joseph Gordan-Levitt to present visual effects… “Emma Watson gets an achievement in visual effects!” Wait, so you’re telling me Johnny Depp wasn’t really walking across a moving train in “The Lone Ranger?!” I feel so cheated, but only because I paid $12 to see that piece of garbage. “Gravity” wins. No shock. Best visual experience in a theater I’ve had in a long time.
6:24 – “Gravity” has made $700 million worldwide. “So have I.” That’s amazing. And not sure what this song is that Zac Efron just introduced. Why is he even there? Do people still think he’s a movie star? His face looks fat, too. Yes, I am just jealous.
6:30 – Good job by Kate Hudson for not getting outrageous-looking breast implants. They’re classy and probably didn’t cost as much. And Jason Sudeikis is a handsome man, but I definitely would’ve hated that guy in college. Without question.
6:32 – They’re presenting Live Action Short Film… and “Helium” wins. “When I inhale helium it usually turns into a live action short film, too.” Well played, sir.
6:36 – Ellen walking down the aisle and mentions ordering pizza and if anyone would want any. Yeah, that’s what these people wearing ridiculously expensive gowns and tuxedos want, greasy-ass pizza. Wait, preggo Kerry Washington gives a fist pump. She’s excited at the thought of pie. But pregnant people don’t think rationally. Someone help her out.
6:37 – What’s going on with Bradley Cooper’s hair? And every woman just said, “I just want him to speak french to me. Who cares what his hair looks like?” “20 Feet From Stardom” wins for best doc feature. Very cool idea. Definitely going to check that out… and Tina Turner’s Hollywood Blvd. lookalike just started singing and is now getting a standing ovation. That was bizarre.
6:40 – Frank Underwood just strolled out and addressed the crowd. That was awesome. Kevin Spacey is a boss… WHOA. Angela Lansbury is 88? “Ya, I’ve been watching a fair amount of ‘Murder She Wrote’ recently.” It’s too bad Kevin Spacey is such an amazing actor, he’d would’ve been an amazing late night talk show host or stand up comic. I’d watch him do impressions all night. He should actually host the Oscars.
6:48 – Jeez, where the hell has Ewan McGregor been? He’s looking like an extra from “Dallas Buyers Club.” Also, the side balcony squads are 3-for-3 in Oscars tonight after “The Great Beauty” just took home Foreign Language Film… and I think this Italian director just thanked Diego Maradona and Mike Napoli. That was weird.
6:51- Why is Tyler Perry there?! “He is the richest person at the Oscars.” Well OK then. He’s out to showcase the next 3 Best Picture noms: “Nebraska,” “Her” and “Gravity.”
6:55 – Brad Pitt, looking like he’s about to film the Macklemore biopic, comes out to introduce U2 singing “Ordinary Love,” which is my new favorite song. It’s incredible, even though I cant stand Bono. Even though I want to be The Edge. I’m nearly convinced he’s the coolest guy alive right now. It’s a constant conundrum of mine.
6:57 – “Why is he on the ground?” I stopped trying to explain Bono a long, long time ago.
7:03 – Ellen is now in the aisle next to Meryl Streep talking about tweeting about a picture of the two of them. She wants to make it the most RT’d photo in Twitter’s history. OK, wait, Brad Pitt is walking over. Now Julia Roberts wants in. Jesus, everyone is getting in on this now. Jennifer Lawrence just said she wanted to grab a boob if the picture wants to get retweeted that many times. Wow, this is incredible. Who is that guy in the flat top?! “I’ve never tweeted before!” -Meryl Streep. Jesus, what a mess. Bradley Cooper actually ends up taking the photo. Can’t wait to see how this turns out. And no way am I giving this an RT.
7:06 – Holy shit, I would absolutely watch a sex tape with Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron. Great Caesar’s Ghost they are two perfect humans.
7:09 – Ellen broke Twitter. This picture stunt has taken it down. That’s unbelievable. Wonder how many RTs that photo is gonna get. I’ll admit it was a pretty cool 2014 moment but I’m just curious with all these stunts how people would react if it was Seth doing them.
7:11 – Two-time Best Supporting Actor and Quentin Tarantino mouthpiece Christoph Waltz out to present Supporting Actress… real categories! Should be a good one.
7:14 – “12 Years A Slave” actress Lupita Y’ongo wins, as she should. Absolutely amazing performance by her. “Lupita and Liza, the hug of the night.” … her and her date have matching flat tops. No big deal. I ask Berger if he thinks Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence have had sex: “yes.” And that’s that.
7:21 – Ellen is really taking this pizza bit to the next level as some dude just walked on stage with three pies… Julia Roberts and Spacey immediately raise their hands that they want some… is this a real guy? I’m so confused. Brad Pitt is handing out plates. What the hell is going on? Isn’t this supposed to be a dignified awards show? This should be a Golden Globes bit. Leo’s no dummy, he’s not eating the pie. Don’t wanna get grease on that navy tux.
7:24 – What the hell was that spaceship thing that lady was talking about? Are they making a sequel to “Flight of the Navigator?”
7:26 – “Are they going to give out any awards on this awards show? It’s like that scene from ‘Jurassic Park,’ ‘you plan on actually having dinosaurs in your dinosaur park, yes?” … and we just made an “A Few Good Men” joke. We are on fire… classy of Bill Murray to just shout out to Harold Ramis during the cinematography category.
7:29 – Anna Kendrick comes out and I think I see a nipple. Either way, shout out to her for being from Portland, Maine. Represent… and yes, “Gravity” just won another technical award, this time for Editing. “We get it, ‘Gravity’ was cool looking.” It really was.
7:32 – That Ellen photo is at 433,000 RTs right now and going up infinitely every second. “Let’s call a spade a spade, it’s a pretty amazing photo.” Yes, it really is… and I think Whoopi Goldberg, wearing the wicked witch socks from “Wizard of Oz,” just said Pink’s real name in an effort to tell America she hangs out with Pink. Really strange. Has anyone ever won an Oscar and then gotten really weird like she has? Nic Cage, I guess.
7:38 – Pink just absolutely destroyed “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in the Oz tribute wearing an amazing ruby red dress. That was fantastic. Director cuts to John Travolta and Kelly Preston. “Kelly Preston, I can’t say it enough.” Berger is a fan.
7:42 – Ellen comes out wearing a fairy costume. Right, because of the Oz thing. This is not funny.
7:43 – Jennifer Garner is incredibly stunning tonight and is joined by Benedict Cumberbatch, who is an absolute boss. He has to be the next James Bond right? “He should come out with a line of candy, Cumberbatch Kids” … and Catherine Martin wins her second Oscar of the night for production design. She’s got 5 now, if you’re scoring at home. So greedy.
7:47 – Another semi-pointless montage. Not sure what this one was for, but it was kind of awesome. I think it was for movie badasses. Also, that Ellen pic now up to 736,000 RTs. Americans are morons.
7:52 – Glenn Close out to introduce the In Memoriam piece. Who’s the hammer? We vote Shirley Temple… kicks off with James Gandolfini… wow, that was tough… goosebumps during this thing…
7:58 – Ends with Philip Seymour Hoffman, fitting, he was an Academy Award winner… and Bette Midler comes out to sing … “WIND BENEATH MY WINGS?!??!” Definitely didn’t see that coming.
8:05 – Whoa, Goldie Hahn needs to cut back on the plastic surgery. Who wins in a Plastic Surgery Off: Goldie or Kim Novak? She’s introducing the last three Best Picture noms: “Philomena,” “Captain Phillips” and “12 Years A Slave,” which is my pick to win the whole thing.
8:08 – Ellen’s photo is now at 1.2 million RTs, which is officially the most RT’d tweet of all-time… and how come no one ever calls out John Travolta on all his wigs? We’re just gonna let that slide, along with Harry Ford’s earring? Guess so.
8:09 – What did Travolta just say?! There’s no chance that’s her real name… Apparently it’s Idina Menzel. Wow, that was a butcher job… people are going nuts on Twitter.
8:11 – I’m pretty sure Jamie Foxx is doing a beatbox of Chariots of Fire right now during this award for costume design or something. You think that was in the prompter?
8:14 – Holy smokes, Robert Lopez just completed the EGOT, made famous by Tracy Morgan on “30 Rock” for winning for best song in “Frozen.” This guy has to get the necklace now, right? Or at least walk around with an F U shirt. I probably would.
8:23 – Ellen is now passing around one of Pharrell’s hats for a tip for the pizza guy. This bit has officially jumped the shark. Do you think these stars actually carry cash? … Robert DeNiro and Penelope Cruz out for Best Adapted Screenplay… John Ridley has to win for “12 Years a Slave,” right?
8:25 – Indeed he did. Whoa, purple dress on his Asian gf/wife/side piece? Wasn’t ready for that… Man, some good speeches tonight. Really liked his. Well done… OK, off to Original Screen play … this one is tough.. “American Hustle,” “Her,” “Blue Jasmine,” “Nebraska,” “Dallas Buyers Club”…
8:27 – Going to say “Her” wins because of how unique it was, and I really enjoyed that film … booyah! Spike Jonze everyone. Wow, you could tell me any age for him and I’d believe you. Amazing that he used to direct Beastie Boys videos and now he’s won an Academy Award. Shows you anything is truly possible.
8:32 – Best Director already! Has this show flown by or not? I can’t tell. It’s been 3 hours so probably not. Ok, here we go… and it’s Alfonso Cuaron for “Gravity”… how many statues is that for Gravity now? “They’ve won all the dumb ones.” Well. So there.
8:42 – Daniel Day-Lewis out to present Best Actress. I forgot it’s been a whole year since he transformed into Abraham Lincoln. Funny tweet just now saying DDL prepared four years for this introduction… So it’s been Cate Blanchett leading this category since the summer, let’s see if she can go wire-to-wire.
8:43 – Yeah she did. I like Cate’s dress… and good use of exacerbates.
8:48 – Jennifer Lawrence out to present Best Actor… all she’s thinking right now is, “don’t trip, don’t trip, don’t trip.” And all I really want her to do is trip… whoa, she just scolded someone for laughing… what was that? She realizes this isn’t about her, right? I think in the course of a few hours I’m losing interest…
8:50 – OK, who ya got? Leo was really awesome in “Wolf of Wall Street” but for some reason you get the feeling like he’s never gonna win one of these, though I often think about what type of acceptance speech he would give. Speaking of, I know everyone wants Matthew McConaughey to win and believe me, no one loves MMC like I do, but I just think Chiwetel Ejiofor was so fantstic in “12 Years A Slave” and deserves it. We’ll see…”it’s either AIDS or slavery, so some oppressed people will be really happy.”
8:52 – Effin’A’, McConaughey for the win. Fantastic tux. Gave us the “all right, all right, all right,” too … he nailed it. Wow. That was awesome… and he’s his own hero. Just wow.
8:55 – Final award of the night. Best Picture, and who else but Will Smith out to present… wearing… whatever that is… and we’ve hit the 3:25 mark, the over wins… Like I said, I’m predicting “12 Years A Slave”…
8:57 – WINNER. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it, just a fantastic (yet disturbing) film. Really well done.
OK, that’s gonna do it for me and Berger. Thanks for reading. Hope you were entertained. My next running diary will most likely be the 1st Round of the 2014 NFL Draft. So you have some time to prepare yourselves. Oh, and the final RT count on the Ellen photo as we go off the air is 1.73 million. Simply amazing.
NFL-Themed Suggestions For #TrueDetectiveSeason2
LOS ANGELES — To say that HBO’s “True Detective” has taken dramatic television by LSD flashback storm this winter would be a vast understatement. Anytime you can combine a mustachioed and pony-tailed Matthew McConaughey blowing your mind with existential theories on life while making little tin men with empty Lone Star beer cans, and mix it with young Woody Harrelson driving around the Louisiana backwoods looking like a pissed Roger Goodell after Brandon Merriweather just speared someone, you have a recipe for TV success. Throw in the most badass cinematography, the most mind-blowing monologues, and single shots you’ve every seen on the small screen – and did I mention McConaughey and Harrelson giving A+ performances? – then you have a certified hit.
So much so, that fans and media critics can’t even wait until this season’s 8-episode run concludes before throwing out suggestions on who Season 2’s crime-fighting duo should be. You might find this hard to believe, but Twitter has been fascinated in the last week, too, with half-serious, half-jokey ideas. I threw out a couple of my own on Thursday, but then I got to thinking: what NFL pairings would make for a fascinating criminal-hunting duo? Who could capture my attention for 8 riveting episodes of weird fiction? Who is going to give it to me straight or even take it way outside the box? Who would make fireworks? Here’s a few I came up with:
PEYTON MANNING & PAPA JOHN
Who knew these two would overtake Tony Romo and Jason Witten to become the league’s biggest BFFs, but look at them, gazing into each other’s eyes, their matching shirts, all those pizzas. Can’t you just imagine them driving to the crime scene, not even talking but knowing what each other is thinking? Their deep conversations would just be 7 minutes of cruising silence with lots of head nods and knowing glances, and every episode would end with them filling out police reports while brainstorming new topping combinations.
BILL BELICHICK & ERIC MANGINI
Here’s how this season would go down: Belichick would do all the cool stuff, like ya know, catch the killer or get the key confession, only he would bend a few rules, bribe a few hookers, inflict a little Jack Bauer/Frank Pembleton pain to get the job done. Mangini would be all rah-rah while it was going down, but then about 6 months later go to the commissioner and tell him about all the corners Belichick cut to crack the case. Belichick would then get fined and suspended, and Mangini would move on to another precinct where he’d get fired after less than two years because everyone realized he sucked at his job.
STEVE SMITH & AQIB TALIB
First off, just look at these two. Are you telling me you wouldn’t watch ANY show starring these guys?! I’d watch a cooking show, bird watching, you name it. So knowing what we’re working with, and that this pairing gave us arguably the phrase of the 2013 NFL season in “Ice Up, Son,” you can only imagine what viral quips they’d come up with. Stage this season in Atlanta and have every night end breaking down evidence at Magic City or Waffle House, and I don’t see why this wouldn’t be the highest-rated “True Detective” of all-time.
CORTLAND FINNEGAN & ANDRE JOHNSON
The legendary hothead Finnegan, and the known docile Johnson would be a fantastic contrast of emotions as partners for a season of TD. Oh, right, these two once fought in the middle of an NFL game, how could I forget? Yeah, so there’s some volcanic history there that could erupt at the drop of a hat. Couldn’t you just imagine these two on a stakeout having a conversation about jazz or where to get burger/fries and suddenly coming to blows inside the Crown Vic? Me too. They’d be too busy arguing about anything to make any kind case progress. Each week would be a guessing game of what sets them off this time.
BRETT FAVRE & JOHNNY MANZIEL
Favre recently said the player Manziel reminds him of is himself (no kidding, Brett?) which would makes them a natural pairing for a season of TD. And theirs would be your classic “grizzly old vet teaches the new hotshot the lay of the land.” Favre would show Manziel all the backwoods tricks, how to cut corners, the most effective way to interrogate and how to make it look like you’ve got nothing when you’re really close to nailing the bad guy. At some point during the season, Manziel would begin to “get it” and it’ll look like Favre is no longer needed, only the old guy will somehow save the day in the end, proving he still has the goods. That, or a task force or federal agency will come in just before victory, intercept all their evidence and close the case themselves.
RICHIE INCOGNITO & JONATHAN MARTIN
Too obvious? OK, but for kicks and giggles hear me out. Can’t you just see them taking separate cars to crime scenes, desks on completely other sides of the station, and having entire conversations, exchanges of notes and hunches over text message? “U C DA LAB REPORT?” “YA DAWG LOOKS LIKE I KNOCKED UP UR SISTER HA HA” “F U MAN I QUIT”
MICHAEL CRABTREE & RICHARD SHERMAN
McConaughey’s Rust Cohle never actually says he’s a superior detective to Harrelson’s Marty Hart but you know he thinks it. However Sherman wouldn’t just think it, he’d say so and often. Just think how hilarious it would be to see Crabtree screw something up in the field, or not understand where Sherman was going with a lead or idea, and then cut to the next scene where Sherman is storming into his boss’s office screaming, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PAIRED ME UP WITH SUCH A MEDIOCRE DETECTIVE!!!” This would happen every episode, and I’d laugh every time.
JERRY JONES & JASON GARRETT
Obviously, these two are partners, but it would be great to see how Jerrah would try to undermine Garrett throughout the course of the season. Would it be subtle at first, such as insisting he walk through doors before Garrett, then taking away driving privileges, forgetting to pick up his lunch? Or would he just go straight to forgetting to tell him about witness questioning, stakeouts or even arrests? Like can’t you see Garrett sitting at his desk thumbing through reports while Jerrah walks in dragging the bad guy in cuffs while everyone’s cheering. Cut to Garrett with that dumb ginger look on his face like Tony Romo just threw another game-losing interception. AND SCENE.
REX & ROB RYAN
How could we not have these two buffoons leading the charge to find the next Reggie Ledoux? I just picture a lot of eating and not a lot of detective-ing going on. Rob would be driving and they’d pass a donut shop and he’d be all, “just a quick stop, Rex.” Or by a ribs place. “I promise, in-and-out.” Or by the Tastee Freez. “You want sprinkles on yours?” Meanwhile, Rex has this new figure, the lap band has done it’s thing, and he’s trying to be all good but he’s stress eating and hasn’t shaved in weeks. I also envision we’d break the cable record for F-bombs with this pair or at least flailing arms and notebooks thrown.
SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI & JOSH SCOBEE
I have no idea how the two are related aside from the fact they are the two most badass kickers I can think of and it would be hilarious to have a kicker season of TD. Scobee’s badassery is well documented here at The Chris Brockman Website, and SeaBass, well, I mean, come on, he’s been a legend since Jump Street. It would be hilarious to see them skip out on investigating to hit the driving range and 19th hole, fight through the language barrier (maybe we could set this season in Poland?!) and spend most of the 8 episodes complaining how they’re never taken serious by the other detectives; “just because we only show up at the end and either close or blow the case doesn’t mean we don’t put our pants on one leg at a time just like them!”
JON GRUDEN & KEYSHAWN JOHNSON
This season would be awesome if only for the scene around the midway point of the season where Gruden flips out for the final time at Keyshawn’s incompetence and kicks him off the case. Then, every time we see Gruden coming back into the office with a key piece of evidence or to celebrate a closure, there’s Key just sitting in the corner reading a book about being a good detective or interior decorating.
WARREN SAPP & MIKE SHERMAN
This pairing would be great just to see how many different ways Sapp would undress Sherman during the 8 episodes. “PUT YOUR BADGE ON!” “TAKE YOUR GUN OUT!” “WHAT!?” “BOY!” And then watching Sherman try to formulate a comeback only to finally mutter one out under his breath when Sapp has already walked away and moved on. Seeing these two sweat through their suits each week would be hilarious as well.
MARK SANCHEZ & BRANDON WEEDEN
The hilarity with this pairing is watching them week-in and week-out fumble and throw away the case with botched evidence collection, totally whiffing on obvious clues and constantly being told by their superior how even a monkey could solve this case. Some jokes write themselves and this season of TD would be full of them. Bad news if you’re a victim looking for justice, of course.
JIM HARBAUGH & PETE CARROLL
These guys hate each other, it’s well documented, but are forced to work together because no one else will be their partners. They spend the first few episodes barely talking while Jim is throwing guys through doors and spitting over everything while Pete just chews his gum and paces smiling while muttering phrases about competing and Zen. This happens over and over and after each time, when they get back in the car, they simultaneously look at and say, “What’s Your Deal?” Cut to black. No case ever gets solved.