Category Archives: NFL

The Beatle In Shoulder Pads

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 The fifth Beatle walked strong among the masses,
 Wearing swooshes and all black camo.
 He bounced to the music and smiled real wide,
 Welcomed the decision makers to the show.
 See, the kid is strong, sure and ripe.
 Not afraid to tell all to smoke exactly what's in their pipe.
 Talk they do, experts and hacks.
 How he's this, and can't do that. Waaack.
 They'll mention his antics, his hustle, the mess.
 No strength or safety in his game, all finesse.
 But he's a rockstar, it can't be denied.
 Beat 'Bama, won the Heisman and barely broke stride.
 Yeah he drinks, dates models and flaunts what he's got.
 You would too if you were him, your own Johnny on the spot.
 Now he's Broadway bound, could be the first overall pick.
 May 8 will arrive before they can spell "lickity split."
 And so the suits with whistles flew down to small College Station,
 To watch the Beatle move and throw, broadcast to the nation.
 They came from all parts of this great NFL land,
 And throw he did, all according to plan.
 Coaches, GMs, friends and fans.
 Even a President watched in awe from the stands.
 Our hero stood tall, but not that high.
 We all knew he could ball and basically fly.
 A bomber, celebrity and life champion all in one.
 Whitlock called him Kardashian with skills, so fun.
 Is he Tebow? Vick? Deion? He's none.
 He's Johnny Football.
 Coming to a stadium near you, 
 So brightly this fall.

 

NFL-Themed Suggestions For #TrueDetectiveSeason2

LOS ANGELES — To say that HBO’s “True Detective” has taken dramatic television by LSD flashback storm this winter would be a vast understatement. Anytime you can combine a mustachioed and pony-tailed Matthew McConaughey blowing your mind with existential theories on life while making little tin men with empty Lone Star beer cans, and mix it with young Woody Harrelson driving around the Louisiana backwoods looking like a pissed Roger Goodell after Brandon Merriweather just speared someone, you have a recipe for TV success. Throw in the most badass cinematography, the most mind-blowing monologues, and single shots you’ve every seen on the small screen – and did I mention McConaughey and Harrelson giving A+ performances? – then you have a certified hit.

So much so, that fans and media critics can’t even wait until this season’s 8-episode run concludes  before throwing out suggestions on who Season 2′s crime-fighting duo should be. You might find this hard to believe, but Twitter has been fascinated in the last week, too, with half-serious, half-jokey ideas. I threw out a couple of my own on Thursday, but then I got to thinking: what NFL pairings would make for a fascinating criminal-hunting duo? Who could capture my attention for 8 riveting episodes of weird fiction? Who is going to give it to me straight or even take it way outside the box? Who would make fireworks? Here’s a few I came up with:

PEYTON MANNING & PAPA JOHN
Who knew these two would overtake Tony Romo and Jason Witten to become the league’s biggest BFFs, but look at them, gazing into each other’s eyes, their matching shirts, all those pizzas. Can’t you just imagine them driving to the crime scene, not even talking but knowing what each other is thinking? Their deep conversations would just be 7 minutes of cruising silence with lots of head nods and knowing glances, and every episode would end with them filling out police reports while brainstorming new topping combinations.

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BILL BELICHICK & ERIC MANGINI
Here’s how this season would go down: Belichick would do all the cool stuff, like ya know, catch the killer or get the key confession, only he would bend a few rules, bribe a few hookers, inflict a little Jack Bauer/Frank Pembleton pain to get the job done. Mangini would be all rah-rah while it was going down, but then about 6 months later go to the commissioner and tell him about all the corners Belichick cut to crack the case. Belichick would then get fined and suspended, and Mangini would move on to another precinct where he’d get fired after less than two years because everyone realized he sucked at his job.

STEVE SMITH & AQIB TALIB
First off, just look at these two. Are you telling me you wouldn’t watch ANY show starring these guys?! I’d watch a cooking show, bird watching, you name it. So knowing what we’re working with, and that this pairing gave us arguably the phrase of the 2013 NFL season in “Ice Up, Son,” you can only imagine what viral quips they’d come up with. Stage this season in Atlanta and have every night end breaking down evidence at Magic City or Waffle House, and I don’t see why this wouldn’t be the highest-rated “True Detective” of all-time.

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CORTLAND FINNEGAN & ANDRE JOHNSON
The legendary hothead Finnegan, and the known docile Johnson would be a fantastic contrast of emotions as partners for a season of TD. Oh, right, these two once fought in the middle of an NFL game, how could I forget? Yeah, so there’s some volcanic history there that could erupt at the drop of a hat. Couldn’t you just imagine these two on a stakeout having a conversation about jazz or where to get burger/fries and suddenly coming to blows inside the Crown Vic? Me too. They’d be too busy arguing about anything to make any kind case progress. Each week would be a guessing game of what sets them off this time.

BRETT FAVRE & JOHNNY MANZIEL
Favre recently said the player Manziel reminds him of is himself (no kidding, Brett?) which would makes them a natural pairing for a season of TD. And theirs would be your classic “grizzly old vet teaches the new hotshot the lay of the land.” Favre would show Manziel all the backwoods tricks, how to cut corners, the most effective way to interrogate and how to make it look like you’ve got nothing when you’re really close to nailing the bad guy. At some point during the season, Manziel would begin to “get it” and it’ll look like Favre is no longer needed, only the old guy will somehow save the day in the end, proving he still has the goods. That, or a task force or federal agency will come in just before victory, intercept all their evidence and close the case themselves.

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RICHIE INCOGNITO & JONATHAN MARTIN
Too obvious? OK, but for kicks and giggles hear me out. Can’t you just see them taking separate cars to crime scenes, desks on completely other sides of the station, and having entire conversations, exchanges of notes and hunches over text message? “U C DA LAB REPORT?” “YA DAWG  LOOKS LIKE I KNOCKED UP UR SISTER HA HA” “F U MAN I QUIT”

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MICHAEL CRABTREE & RICHARD SHERMAN
McConaughey’s Rust Cohle never actually says he’s a superior detective to Harrelson’s Marty Hart but you know he thinks it. However Sherman wouldn’t just think it, he’d say so and often. Just think how hilarious it would be to see Crabtree screw something up in the field, or not understand where Sherman was going with a lead or idea, and then cut to the next scene where Sherman is storming into his boss’s office screaming, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PAIRED ME UP WITH SUCH A MEDIOCRE DETECTIVE!!!” This would happen every episode, and I’d laugh every time.

JERRY JONES & JASON GARRETT
Obviously, these two are partners, but it would be great to see how Jerrah would try to undermine Garrett throughout the course of the season. Would it be subtle at first, such as insisting he walk through doors before Garrett, then taking away driving privileges, forgetting to pick up his lunch? Or would he just go straight to forgetting to tell him about witness questioning, stakeouts or even arrests? Like can’t you see Garrett sitting at his desk thumbing through reports while Jerrah walks in dragging the bad guy in cuffs while everyone’s cheering. Cut to Garrett with that dumb ginger look on his face like Tony Romo just threw another game-losing interception. AND SCENE.

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REX & ROB RYAN
How could we not have these two buffoons leading the charge to find the next Reggie Ledoux? I just picture a lot of eating and not a lot of detective-ing going on. Rob would be driving and they’d pass a donut shop and he’d be all, “just a quick stop, Rex.” Or by a ribs place. “I promise, in-and-out.” Or by the Tastee Freez. “You want sprinkles on yours?” Meanwhile, Rex has this new figure, the lap band has done it’s thing, and he’s trying to be all good but he’s stress eating and hasn’t shaved in weeks. I also envision we’d break the cable record for F-bombs with this pair or at least  flailing arms and notebooks thrown.

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SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI & JOSH SCOBEE
I have no idea how the two are related aside from the fact they are the two most badass kickers I can think of and it would be hilarious to have a kicker season of TD. Scobee’s badassery is well documented here at The Chris Brockman Website, and SeaBass, well, I mean, come on, he’s been a legend since Jump Street. It would be hilarious to see them skip out on investigating to hit the driving range and 19th hole, fight through the language barrier (maybe we could set this season in Poland?!) and spend most of the 8 episodes complaining how they’re never taken serious by the other detectives; “just because we only show up at the end and either close or blow the case doesn’t mean we don’t put our pants on one leg at a time just like them!”

JON GRUDEN & KEYSHAWN JOHNSON
This season would be awesome if only for the scene around the midway point of the season where Gruden flips out for the final time at Keyshawn’s incompetence and kicks him off the case. Then, every time we see Gruden coming back into the office with a key piece of evidence or to celebrate a closure, there’s Key just sitting in the corner reading a book about being a good detective or interior decorating.

WARREN SAPP & MIKE SHERMAN
This pairing would be great just to see how many different ways Sapp would undress Sherman during the 8 episodes. “PUT YOUR BADGE ON!” “TAKE YOUR GUN OUT!” “WHAT!?” “BOY!” And then watching Sherman try to formulate a comeback only to finally mutter one out under his breath when Sapp has already walked away and moved on. Seeing these two sweat through their suits each week would be hilarious as well.

MARK SANCHEZ & BRANDON WEEDEN
The hilarity with this pairing is watching them week-in and week-out fumble and throw away the case with botched evidence collection, totally whiffing on obvious clues and constantly being told by their superior how even a monkey could solve this case. Some jokes write themselves and this season of TD would be full of them. Bad news if you’re a victim looking for justice, of course.

JIM HARBAUGH & PETE CARROLL
These guys hate each other, it’s well documented, but are forced to work together because no one else will be their partners. They spend the first few episodes barely talking while Jim is throwing guys through doors and spitting over everything while Pete just chews his gum and paces smiling while muttering phrases about competing and Zen. This happens over and over and after each time, when they get back in the car, they simultaneously look at and say, “What’s Your Deal?” Cut to black. No case ever gets solved.

2014 NFL Mock Draft — Vol. 1

(from the editor: The NFL Draft is a big deal. Perhaps you’ve heard. So for the first time, we here at The Chris Brockman Website will be publishing a 1st Round Mock Draft leading up to May 8th’s start to the 2014 NFL Draft. We expect this list to change more than Joan Rivers’ face in the coming months and maybe inspire healthy debate. Enjoy.)

By Shawn Bradley
Special to The Chris Brockman Website

LOS ANGELES — We’ve finally made it through our first football-free week since August – but the ache is deep. Trying to substitute college basketball for the NFL on Sunday felt weaker than Matthew McConaughey in “Dallas Buyers Club” or a white guy dunk attempt. Luckily, we can all start looking forward to the NFL Scouting Combine later this month in Indianapolis. So before Mike Mayock starts drooling over who has “non-stop motors” and “freakish athletic ability,” lets take a look at our first Mock Draft of the NFL Non-Playing Season – which we’ll certainly be saving for ridicule in the early, drunken hours of May 9th.

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1.) Houston Texans — Jadeveon Clowney, Jr., DE, South Carolina
Despite all of his on- and off-the-field BS, Clowney’s appetite for destruction makes him the safest pick in this draft. Teaming him with J.J. Watt should be terrifying for years to come and first-year head coach Bill O’Brien knows the fastest way to end his Houston honeymoon is to whiff on a quarterback here only to then watch Clowney wreck the league in a different jersey.

2.) St. Louis Rams — Jake Matthews, Sr., T, Texas A&M
Knowing he has to face two of the NFL’s nastiest defenses four times a year, Jeff Fisher chooses to protect Sam Bradford instead of replacing him. After Jake Long tore up both his MCL and ACL in Week 16, the Rams are in need of an immediate starter at tackle. General Manager Les Snead will most likely trade down with a QB-hungry team and still land Matthews later in the top 10.

3.) Jacksonville Jaguars — Blake Bortles, Jr., QB, Central Florida
After not giving hometown hero Tim Tebow a shot to resurrect his career, the Jaguars take a different beefcake signal caller from their own backyard. Bortles showed some of that Ben Roethlisberger game during the Fiesta Bowl and should only become more attractive during the pre-Draft process, especially if he brings this along with him.

4.) Cleveland Browns — Johnny Manziel, So., QB, Texas A&M
In what will be the ultimate test of his legend, Johnny must extinguish the dumpster fire that is the Browns. Mike Pettine, coaching for a job he just got, must pray that new Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan can help Johnny produce an RGIII-style Rookie of the Year campaign. Having All-Pro receiver Josh Gordon and Pro Bowl tight end Jordan Cameron around should give Johnny a chance at becoming a Cleveland icon, just like his mentor was.

5.) Oakland Raiders — Teddy Bridgewater, Jr., QB, Louisville
Poor Teddy falls face first into the Black Hole where 1st Round picks get lost faster than inner city virginities. Bridgewater appears to have everything except ideal height but he won’t have any time to develop in Oakland and the Raiders should be picking in the top 5 again next year with a new coach and a new GM.

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6.) Atlanta Falcons — Anthony Barr, Sr., LB, UCLA
Injuries ravaged the Falcons in 2013 but their defense would have likely been quite poor anyway. Barr repeatedly shows the type of edge-rushing ability in the tape below that makes you think he could have double-digit sacks in his rookie NFL year. After converting from running back, Barr racked up 23 sacks in just 2 defensive seasons with the Bruins.

7.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Sammy Watkins, Jr., WR, Clemson
New Bucs head coach Lovie Smith is fortunate if the most explosive receiver on the board falls to him at No. 6. Watkins solidified his top 10 status with a record-setting Orange Bowl and his versatility should help Tampa Bay’s offense instantly. If Smith has him return kicks, Watkins could have a Cordarrelle Patterson-type of impact in his rookie year.

8.) Minnesota Vikings — Derek Carr, Sr., QB, Fresno St.
Guessing Adrian Peterson stops whatever he’s doing on the night of May 8th so he can call his agent and demand a trade. Mike Zimmer would be trusting Norv Turner and a Fresno State product with the franchise’s immediate future. I’d would rather trust Woody Allen to … hold that thought… My guess is the Vikings have a new coach and quarterback by the time they open up that new stadium in two years.

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9.) Buffalo Bills — Mike Evans, So., WR, Texas A&M
The Bills aren’t completely desperate at receiver but they can’t pass up a true No. 1 wideout to pair with E.J. Manuel. Evans was a consistently dominant for two straight seasons at Texas A&M and he put on a show for NFL scouts when he torched Alabama for 279 yards in Week 3. At 6-foot-5 and 225 pounds, Evans is a physical specimen who knows how to use his size downfield.

10.) Detroit Lions — Darqueze Dennard, Sr., CB, Michigan St.
When Rashean Mathis is at the top of your depth chart, it’s time to upgrade the position. The Lions stay local here and take the Spartans’ Dennard, the consensus top corner in the draft. The 2013 Jim Thorpe Award winner appears to have shut down ability on tape but his 40 time will likely help decide if he goes this high on draft night.

11.) Tennessee Titans — C.J. Mosley, Sr., LB, Alabama
With all the quarterback’s off the board, Ken Whisenhunt safely selects the best defensive player available. Mosley’s sideline-to-sideline speed has some scouts throwing around Luke Kuechly comparisons, which is high praise. Expect new defensive coordinator Ray Horton to push for this pick as the Titans will be switching to a 3-4, which Mosley has been playing in for years.

12.) New York Giants — Taylor Lewan, Sr., T, Michigan
Lack of protection, and Hakeem Nicks’ overall disinterest, are the two best explanations for Eli Manning’s horrifying 2013 season. The Giants address one of those issues by using their 1st Round pick on a tackle for the second straight year. Lewan, a four-year starter at Michigan, was projected to go top 5 just over a year ago before he opted to return for his senior season.

13.) St. Louis Rams — Justin Gilbert, Sr., CB, Oklahoma St.
After a rough season, and due to earn $9 million in 2014, Cortland Finnegan’s future in St. Louis is in doubt. The Rams gave up a league worst 8.1 yards per pass attempt in 2013, so improving their secondary is a must. Gilbert showed strong man coverage ability in the pass happy Big 12 and he might end up being the Rams top corner by opening day.

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14.) Chicago Bears — Timmy Jernigan, Jr., DT, Florida St.
With most of Chicago’s defensive line ready to hit free agency, this pick makes too much sense for GM Phil Emery. Plus, when you’re in a division with Adrain Peterson, Eddie Lacy and Reggie Bush, you need to figure out how to stop getting run over. The 6-foot-2, 300-pound Jernigan made his presence felt in the BCS Championship and he should be a good fit for the Bears defensive scheme.

15.) Pittsburgh Steelers — Greg Robinson, So., T, Auburn
The Steelers have some glaring defensive needs but here they can turn a perpetual weakness into a strength.  Robinson could easily be gone by now but putting him with a healthy Maurkice Pouncey and David DeCastro would give Pittsburgh a formidable offensive line for years to come. Robinson was outstanding during Auburn’s miraculous 2013 run and he should instantly be able to step in and protect Big Ben’s bathroom breaks.

16.) Dallas Cowboys — Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, So., DB, Alabama
Jerrah Jones is out to fix the worst daggum defense in Cowboys history, and since the 32nd ranked unit was such a joke last season, it’s fitting that they pick a kid named Ha Ha. Clinton-Dix is a rangy center fielder and the best of a bad safety crop. The Alabama prospect is overvalued here by a desperate team and I smell another bust in the secondary for Dallas.

17.) Baltimore Ravens — Marqise Lee, Jr., WR, Southern Cal
Following his monstrous sophomore season in 2012, no one thought Lee would be here for the Ravens. Injuries and overall program dysfunction led to a steep drop in production but Lee looked liked himself in the Sun Bowl catching a pair of touchdowns. Also, let’s not forget about the time he put up 345 yards on 16 catches against Arizona.

18.) New York Jets — Eric Ebron, Jr., TE, North Carolina
Absolutely vomit-inducing on offense for long stretches last season, look for the Jets to pick up a new option for Geno Smith. GM John Idzik will likely add receivers through both free agency and the Draft but in this spot he should select a three-down tight end who appears to be a major matchup problem – check out the one-handed catch in the video below.

19.) Miami Dolphins — Zack Martin, Sr., T, Notre Dame
Considering who he replaced, new general manager Dennis Hickey is probably looking for high character guys. With a pair of starters involved in the scandal of the 2013 season and another starter involved in the scandal of the  2013 offseason, it’s a fair assumption that Miami will look for O-line help. With the Buccaneers, Hickey scouted the Midwest for over a decade and he should fall in love with this mauler from Notre Dame.

20.) Arizona Cardinals — Cyrus Kouandjio, Jr., T, Alabama
After spending a Top 10 pick on a guard who never played last season, the Cardinals still proved to be a playoff caliber team in 2013. Kouandijo is just 20-years old and those who have scouted Alabama say he’s already better than Chargers standout D.J. Fluker (11th overall in 2013). This native of Cameroon would be plug-and-play at left tackle for an Arizona team hoping to take the next step in the NFL’s best division.

21.) Green Bay Packers — Trent Murphy, Sr., LB, Stanford
The Packers lack of depth at linebacker was painfully apparent after Clay Matthews and Nick Perry went down. Murphy is an absolute warrior goon who stands 6-foot-6 and recorded 10 sacks last season in Palo Alto. Murphy had a subpar Senior Bowl week because the Falcons staff had him playing end but he should be a perfect fit in Green Bay as an outside rush linebacker.

22.) Philadelphia Eagles — Khalil Mack, Sr., LB, Buffalo
Most Mock Drafts have Mack going in the top 10 and while he did have a record-setting career, it happened at Buffalo. Mack’s Scouting Combine performance will go a long way towards determining where he ends up, but the Eagles would be a good match. Chip Kelly’s defense needs a major pass rushing upgrade after finishing 20th in sacks and last in the league in passing yards allowed in 2013. Plus, this is likely Trent Cole’s last season in Philly.

23.) Kansas City Chiefs — Kelvin Benjamin, So., WR, Florida St.
The Chiefs gave Dwayne Bowe 5 years and $56 million only to see his numbers drop while he got high. By drafting Benjamin, an absolute pterodactyl at 6-foot-5, Andy Reid would be giving Alex Smith a pair of big-bodied receivers while also hopefully freeing up Bowe to find his 2011 form. Benjamin caught 15 touchdowns in 14 games this season including the game-winner in the BCS Championship game and should be an immediate red zone threat.

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24.) Cincinnati Bengals — Kony Ealy, Jr., DE, Missouri
I can’t see penny-pinching Mike Brown keeping free agent Michael Johnson, so the Bengals will be thrilled if Ealy is still available. At 6-foot-5 275 pounds, Ealy is lightning quick off the snap and has shown a variety of pass rushing moves even though he played just two seasons for the Tigers.  After totaling 9.5 sacks in 2013, Ealy appears primed to fallow former Missouri standouts Aldon Smith and Sheldon Richardson into NFL stardom.

25.) San Diego Chargers — Jace Amaro, Jr., TE, Texas Tech
Yes, the Chargers have Ledarious Green and Antonio Gates, but Amaro is too good to pass on. He often ilned up in the slot for Texas Tech and was a YAC machine last year while setting the single season FBS record for receiving yards by a tight end. Having the 6-foot-5 Amaro running down the seam with Keenan Allen on the outside should make it easy for Philip Rivers to build off his career year in 2013.

26.) Cleveland Browns — David Yankey, Sr., G, Stanford
The Browns have their new franchise quarterback, now protecting JFF becomes the next order of business. Yankey is a versatile lineman who can play tackle but his best position is guard. That’s good news for Cleveland, which suffered through atrocious guard play in 2013. Coming from Stanford, a program that has become synonymous with physical play in recent years, Yankey is a road grater who should be a 10-year NFL starter.

27.) New Orleans Saints — Kyle Van Noy, Sr., LB, BYU
With Victor Butler coming off ACL surgery, the Saints would love to have another option to rush the passer. Van Noy had an explosive year playing alongside Ziggy Ansah in 2012, notching 13 sacks and 22 tackles for loss. In 2013, he was exposed to constant double teams but still managed 17 TFL. Van Noy would certainly be a perfect fit at outside linebacker in Rob Ryan’s improving defense.

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28.) Carolina Panthers — Davante Adams, So., WR, Fresno St.
The Panthers receiving corps isn’t scaring anyone and Cam Newton’s lack of options of blatantly obvious during the Divisional Round loss to San Francisco. Enter Adams, who displays Dez Bryant-ish physicality at times, albeit against inferior competition. But no matter who he was playing against, the dude still caught an eye-popping 24 touchdowns last season.

29.) New England Patriots — Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Jr., TE, Washington
Would The Hoodie dare roll the dice again on a talented tight end who’s draped in red flags? I’m guessing Bill Belichick says “eff it, Tommy needs a new toy.” Seferian-Jenkins is a twoering 6-foot-7, 270-pound seam-splitting nightmare and when he wasn’t drunkenly smashing into trees on U-Dubb’s campus, he was breaking every major Huskies tight end receiving record.

30.) San Francisco 49ers — Stephon Tuitt, Jr., DE, Notre Dame
Slowed by preseason sports hernia surgery, Tuitt struggled to replicate his stellar 12-sack sophomore season in 2013. When healthy though, he is shockingly agile for being a 6-foot-7, 322-pound beast and he’ll surely benefit learning from Justin Smith, one of football’s premiere 3-4 defensive ends. Expect this hulking human mover to light up the Scouting Combine and cement himself as a 1st Round-worthy prospect.

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31.) Denver Broncos — Jason Verrett, Sr., CB, TCU
Even if the Broncos bring back Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, corner is still a sore spot for the AFC champs. The Super Bowl bummer will certainly force Denver to toughen up on D, and Verrett is exactly the kind of physical corner that would fit with the Seahawks secondary. Over the last two seasons, no FBS player had more passes defended than Verrett, who had almost as many breakups as Taylor Swift.

32.) Seattle Seahawks — Jordan Matthews, Sr., WR, Vanderbilt
Matthews is the perfect Seahawks receiver: underrated with a chip on his shoulder. Despite putting up record numbers in the NFL’s AAA affiliate, Matthews is garnering little 1st Round buzz. At 6-foot-3, he possesses desired size but his speed is being called into question. Still, anyone who averages 19 ypc in the SEC must be able to get down field quick enough.

48 Things That Did Happen In Super Bowl XLVIII

LOS ANGELES — It’s amazing how quickly five months flies by when the only thing you look forward to is each passing Sunday. That’s life in the National. Football. League. But seriously, weren’t we just talking about how the Texans and Falcons were ready to make The Leap and become real championship contenders? And how miserable the weather was going to be for Super Bowl XLVIII? And how if Peyton Manning had anything left in the tank after a remarkable comeback season? And if this and then that, and then that and if this? No? Just me?

If we learned anything the last 22-plus NFL weeks  it’s that week-to-week, and sometimes day-to-day, we really don’t know anything. Yeah, we all thought the Seahawks and Broncos and Patriots and 49ers would be good, and lo and behold they were the final four teams standing. But what about the Chargers? Nope. Philip Rivers couldn’t find the ocean from the beach in 2012. Redskins? That unraveled in a hurry. Same in Houston and Atlanta. Cam Newton impressed, Andrew Luck became the Comeback Kid, and Nick Foles morphed from “Point Break 2″ extra into an MVP candidate.

It was a year of surprises and unknowns and it ended in the most unpredictable way possible; Seattle and it’s #1 defense thrashing Peyton Manning’s record-breaking Denver offense. Go figure.

Lucky for you, I told you all what to expect in the big game; now let’s go see what actually happened. And like Phil Connors, I think I was really close on this one.

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1.) “Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will talk about how cold it is at MetLife Stadium.” — I was too busy slicing three different kinds of cheese so I didn’t hear the top of the broadcast, but I’m sure one of those two mentioned the weather. It would’ve been journalistically negligent to not to.


2.) “It won’t actually be that cold.” — Gametime temperature was 49 degrees! Joe Namath didn’t even need that ’70s pimp mink coat he was wearing. But, come on. HE’S JOE NAMATH. #RollTide
3.) “Roger Goodell will be shown sitting outside among the “real” “fans” because he is a “one-of-the-guys” type of commish.” – Fox really made us wait for this one, but when the 3rd quarter hit, BAM! There was good ‘ole Rog sitting among the peeps in the stands like the regular guy he is. Looked great, too.
4.) The opera chick singing the National Anthem will take for-eva to belt it out.” – Again, I nailed this one, but this woman I’ve never heard of sure sounded good.
5.) “Fox will try and get a close-up of Knowshon Moreno crying in pre-game.”
6.) “They will fail.” – I may have missed it, but Knowshon didn’t cry in pre-game did he? Because I’m sure he was crying postgame after that beatdown.
7.) “Most of the commercials will be terrible.” – OK, maybe I was a bit off here. I enjoyed several of the spots. In no particular order: 
8.) “Except Bud Light. They always hit home runs.” – That three-and-a-half minute mini-movie with some guy named Ian Rapoport (not to be confused with @Rapsheet) was really awesome. Also loved the “24″ promo, the “Transformers 4″ trailer and the Full House spot. Kind of an underwhelming commercials year.

9.) “You’ll have no idea what songs Bruno Mars is singing. That’s because no one can name any song that he sings.”– Bruno Mars is a cross between Little Richard, Michael Jackson and James Brown, and I think that’s a good thing. He did a good job with the time he had to work with and willll probably be a gigantic star now, which means my mom will know who he is.
10.) “The Red Hot Chili Peppers will rock out and may literally actually have their cocks out.” – Shirtless sorta counts, right? And I love how we’re having an air guitar controversy. Seriously, people.
11.) “The Broncos will be winning at halftime.” – OK, so I can’t get all of these right.
12.) “Peyton Manning will throw an interception in the game.” – Can I interest you in TWO interceptions?!
13.) “It will not be to Richard Sherman.” – Um, nailed it!
14.) “Joe Buck will make a joke tossing it down to Erin Andrews about Richard Sherman’s rant two weeks ago.” – So sad this didn’t happen. But hey, nice jacket, Erin.
15.) Pam Oliver’s weave will look absolutely ridiculous.” – Believe it or not, Pam didn’t look half bad on Sunday.
16.) Darren Rovell will tweet about the amount of buffalo wings consumed during Super Bowl parties.” – So Rovell tweeted about the food overall consumed on Super Sunday but specifically about wings. Has to be the upset of Sunday. Thought that was a lock.
17.) “You will all threaten to unfollow him but not actually go through with it.” – Alas, I’m still following him, too.
18.) “It will be mentioned roughly 3.5 times how Marshawn Lynch now has an endorsement deal with Skittles.” – It was awesome when Lynch was picking up Skittles off the turf and eating them after he scored. What a legend, boss.
19.) “And how Beast Mode wasn’t exactly an active participant in talking to the media this week.” – He’s just ’bout that action, boss.


20.) “Not that it matters because Lynch is going to run for 125 yards at 2 touchdowns.” – Lynch finished with only 39 yards on 15 carries, which surprised the hell out of me; thought he’d dominate in this game.
21.) “We all will be reminded that Wes Welker dropped a potential Super Bowl-clinching pass two years ago.” – Surprisingly, this didn’t come up.
22.) “Pete Carroll will be shown roughly 27 times chomping away on a poor piece of gum.” – It was awesome watching Showtime’s “Inside the NFL” this week for all the Carroll cutaways during the game; hands down the happiest guy in the league. Always jumping and yelling and smiling. Also easy to do when your team is running away with the title.
23.) “He’ll be smiling the entire time because now that Dick Clark has passed away, Carroll is the world’s oldest teenager.” – Carroll is 62 years old and hands down lives younger than you or me.
24.) “It’ll be mentioned that Peyton Manning is old and Russell Wilson is not.” – Their 13-year age difference is pretty remarkable, all jokes aside.
25.) “And that Wilson used to play baseball.” – I really just wanna know if he’s gonna cut his hair now.


26.) “And that he loves Jesus.” – Speaking of Hova, did you see Wilson sitting courtside with Jay-Z and Beyonce Monday at the Nets game? Yeah you did. Throw the Roc up, Russell! Get that Cano money!
27.) “And that Manning loves Papa John’s.
28.) And getting them checks.” – Manning not appearing in a Super Bowl commerical has another huge upset.
29.) “There will be roughly 37 promos for some awful new Fox show that will get canceled after 4 episodes.” – No new Fox show this winter? Really?! I feel cheated.
30.) “The ‘celebrities-at-the-game’ montage will be hilarious because they all will look freezing cold and completely miserable.” – This montage was great because everyone was shown inside a box! No one wanted to brave the elements?!My favorite was David Beckham, who had a fantastic white sweater on but was sitting by himself, looking at his phone, which prompted a friend of mine to say that was like me. Apparently I’m on my phone a lot. Who knew.
31.) “We’ll all be warm and full from eating tons of delicious food in the comfort of our homes.” – I’m still eating leftovers four days later!
32.) “Julius Thomas will catch a touchdown pass.” – I think we all expected the Broncos to score more than a single touchdown.
33.) “We’ll hear more than a few times how much the Broncos defense misses Von Miller.” – Was Von Miller mentioned during the broadcast? That was pretty shocking to me.


34.) “Legion of Boom will be said 17 different times.” – I think I have Richard Sherman’s screaming “L-O-B!!” burned in my brain at this point.
35.) “Troy Aikman will express his discontent for the bravado at which Seattle plays defense.” – Don’t think this happened but I’m sure Aikman was complaining somewhere, sometime about Sherman and his crew. Let it go, Troy.
36.) “We will be reminded that Seattle’s fans are called the ’12th Man.’” – BUT DID YOU HEAR HOW LOUD THE 12TH MAN WAS ON SUNDAY!!?!
37.) “The coin toss will come up heads.” – I think this was right? I still can’t believe Joe Namath’s coat. What a legend.
38.) “The Gatorade doused on the winning head coach will be yellow.” – Thanks to the second bathing I got this one. Yellow is always the safest choice.
39.) “The first points of the game will be a field goal.” – Do I get some credit if the second points of the game where a field goal?! Two of the last three Super Bowls Tom Brady and Peyton Manning called for safeties result in the first points of the game. Unreal.
40.) “You will all wish you were at my house for the game.” – We had a GREAT time at Trojan Manor. In fact, I still have some leftovers if you’re in the LA area this week.
41.) “But don’t worry, I’ll be live-tweeting the festivities.” – Hope you enjoyed my tweets as much as I did.
42.) “Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger will be mentioned.” — I thought this might be the case because when these two faced off in Super Bowl 43 it was the last time there was such an age discrepancy. I was wrong.
43.) “So will Madonna. Just cause.” – Eh, shot in the dark.


44.) “There will be a special teams touchdown.” – Oh boy did I nail this one. Really proud of this prediction. Well done, Percy Harvin. Whatever the Seahawks paid you this year was worth it.
45.) “And at least two missed field goals.” – OK, so I missed on this one.
46.) “There will be some kind of precipitation in the second half.” – It appeared that Bruno Mars was getting slightly misted on when he was out there doing his best Little Richard impression, so that counts.
47.) “A big defensive play will be made late in the 4th quarter to all but determine the outcome.” – Turns out the big defensive play in the game came much sooner, and it’s play-maker, Malcolm Smith, was named the game’s MVP.


48.) “The Seahawks will win the game, 23-20.” – So I was a little off.

48 Things To Expect During Super Bowl XLVIII

LOS ANGELES — Once again, Super Bowl Week has come and gone. Was it good for you? Oh, and we’re all caps-ing this bad boy because it’s an event like no other! Except, well, everything is an event now. And it’s award season! (Elaine would be proud of my exclamation point usage) So maybe people are evented out. Are you? Hell no! It’s the Super Bowl! And it’s in New York! Except it’s in New Jersey! And have you heard it might be cold? Don’t worry, Anne Hathaway won’t be around to drive us into Serious Town with some wicked intense acceptance speech. But Richard Sherman’s here, though he’s been pretty subdued for the most part. He better step it up. There’s only one more day to really start yelling at people BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY!! AND WENT TO STANFORD!! HE’S SMART CRAZY!!

There’s been no shortage of story lines this week from the aforementioned Sherman being asked about making it rain at the strip club, to Peyton Manning (did you know he’s playing in the game and his legacy is at stake?) throwing duck yards and duck touchdowns for the last couple years. Also, Pete Carroll has been smiling a lot, John Elway has been being The Freakin’ Duke around town, Russell Wilson has been not getting a haircut, Marshawn Lynch has been dropping the greatest phrases known to man – “I’m just ’bout ‘dat action, boss” – and Wes Welker has been trying to explain to people why Bill Belichick hates him. But hey, there’s a game on Sunday!

There have been 266 NFL contests played this year and it’s all come down to this. One more. Seahawks. Broncos. For all the proverbial marbles, or in this case, Tiffany hardware. Vince Lombardi will be headed west this offseason, but will he cross the Rockies and get rained on in the PacNorth, or will the finest piece of hardware in the land hit the microbrew scene in the 303? I can’t wait to find out.

And since last year’s column was such a rousing success (rousing might be a bit overstated), we here at The Chris Brockman Website decided to bring the gimmick back for another go’round. So without further adieu, here’s the 48 Things To Expect During Super Bowl XLVIII.

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1.) Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will talk about how cold it is at MetLife Stadium.
2.) It won’t actually be that cold.
3.) Roger Goodell will be shown sitting outside among the “real” “fans” because he is a “one-of-the-guys” type of commish.
4.) The opera chick singing the National Anthem will take for-eva to belt it out.
5.) Fox will try and get a close-up of Knowshon Moreno crying in pre-game.
6.) They will fail.
7.) Most of the commercials will be terrible.
8.) Except Bud Light. They always hit home runs.
9.) You’ll have no idea what songs Bruno Mars is singing. That’s because no one can name any song that he sings.
10.) The Red Hot Chili Peppers will rock out and may literally actually have their cocks out.
11.) The Broncos will be winning at halftime.

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12.) Peyton Manning will throw an interception in the game.
13.) It will not be to Richard Sherman.
14.) Joe Buck will make a joke tossing it down to Erin Andrews about Richard Sherman’s rant two weeks ago.
15.) Pam Oliver’s weave will look absolutely ridiculous.
16.) Darren Rovell will tweet about the amount of buffalo wings consumed during Super Bowl parties.
17.) You will all threaten to unfollow him but not actually go through with it.
18.) It will be mentioned roughly 3.5 times how Marshawn Lynch now has an endorsement deal with Skittles.
19.) And how Beast Mode wasn’t exactly an active participant in talking to the media this week.

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20.) Not that it matters because Lynch is going to run for 125 yards at 2 touchdowns.
21.) We all will be reminded that Wes Welker dropped a potential Super Bowl-clinching pass two years ago.
22.) Pete Carroll will be shown roughly 27 times chomping away on a poor piece of gum.
23.) He’ll be smiling the entire time because now that Dick Clark has passed away, Carroll is the world’s oldest teenager.
24.) It’ll be mentioned that Peyton Manning is old and Russell Wilson is not.
25.) And that Wilson used to play baseball.
26.) And that he loves Jesus.
27.) And that Manning loves Papa John’s.
28.) And getting them checks.
29.) There will be roughly 37 promos for some awful new Fox show that will get canceled after 4 episodes.
30.) The “celebrities-at-the-game” montage will be hilarious because they all will look freezing cold and completely miserable.
31.) We’ll all be warm and full from eating tons of delicious food in the comfort of our homes.
32.) Julius Thomas will catch a touchdown pass.
33.) We’ll hear more than a few times how much the Broncos defense misses Von Miller.


34.) Legion of Boom will be said 17 different times.
35.) Troy Aikman will express his discontent for the bravado at which Seattle plays defense.
36.) We will be reminded that Seattle’s fans are called the “12th Man.”
37.) The coin toss will come up “heads.”
38.) The gatorade doused on the winning head coach will be yellow.
39.) The first points of the game will be a field goal.
40.) You will all wish you were at my house for the game.
41.) But don’t worry, I’ll be live-tweeting the festivities.

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42.) Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger will be mentioned.
43.) So will Madonna. Just cause.
44.) There will be a special teams touchdown.
45.) And at least two missed field goals.
46.) There will be some kind of precipitation in the second half.
47.) A big defensive play will be made late in the 4th quarter to all but determine the outcome.

Pete-Carroll-and-Russell-Wilson
48.) The Seahawks will win the game, 23-20.

It’s Brady & Manning For It All Once More

We’ve seen this movie before.
Three times actually; twice for a trip to the Super Bowl.
And each time the victor went on to hoist Lombardi.
Tom Brady vee Peyton Manning.
Two of the NFL’s Mount Rushmore signal callers squaring off in the playoffs.
For all the proverbial marbles.
Their 2013 narrative has been as such: Manning sprinted through the regular season, surgically registered his greatest statistical campaign and should win his record 5th MVP.
Brady withstood season-ending injuries to several Pro Bowl teammates, and carried a group of one-offs and little-known rookies to what seemed like weekly comeback wins en route to a record 8th AFC title game appearance.
Today, the future Hall of Famers meet with another trip to Super Sunday at stake.
It will be electric.
It will be epic.
And we’ll all be watching.
Again.

Luck, Brady And Their Contrasting QB Blueprints

LOS ANGELES — This essay I penned for NFL Network’s GameDay Morning Saturday pregame show is my fun take on how Tom Brady and Andrew Luck, who face off Saturday at Foxobrough in what should be a thrilling AFC Divisional matchup, have created their own blueprint to winning football games. Brady, in his long, celebrated career has done it more often than not in the coolest way possible; while Luck, in his short but thrilling campaign, is a little rough around the edges, so to speak.

The final produced television product is fantastic. Hope you check it out during our coverage beginning at Noon EST on Saturday on NFL Network.

The blueprint for championship quarterbacks is ever-changing.
For every free-wheeler there is the precisionist.
Gunslingers and game managers have all hoisted Lombardi.
But rarely will we see a pair of contrasting signal callers like we’ll see tonight in Foxborough.
Tom Brady and Andrew Luck couldn’t be more opposite except when it comes to orchestrating thrilling victories.
One looks like a Senator from a Ben Affleck movie.
Appears on magazine covers.
And shows up at red carpet events with his supermodel wife.
The other uses a flip phone, and could guest star on Deadliest Catch.
Tom Brady sells Uggs and wears Stetson.
Andrew Luck has a beard only a paper towel pitchman would love.
On the field, it’s also day and night.
One is Michelangelo in the pocket, with perfect hair and a pristine jersey.
Firing downfield darts and head butting teammates with the fire of a 6th round pick.
The other is a top overall selection with a permanent smile.
Happy-go-lucky with a linebacker’s build and a rocket arm.
Regularly leading his team back from historic deficits.
Tom Brady and Andrew Luck.
Two of the NFL’s best quarterbacks proving the only blueprint that matters, is winning.

Manning v Brady XIV — An Unparalleled Rivalry

Sports and rivalries go hand in hand.
Rivalries make the games matter.
You know what sports would be without rivalries?
Gardening.
Rivalries make us scream like kids on a roller coaster.
Make us pick sides.
Make us care.
Think about it:
Magic had Bird.
Tiger has Phil.
Manning and Brady have each other.
Eighteen verse twelve. And it’s always a war.
A 60-minute battle for the ages with the football world watching every throw.
Every stare. Every fist pump.
Who ya got?
It’s like picking Picasso or Rembrandt.
Candy or ice cream.
Super bowls? Yah, they’ve got Super Bowls.
MVPs? Those, too.
Passing records. Pizza joints. Supermodels.
Yup. Done. Check.
Peyton Manning and Tom Brady.
Rivals. Friends. Excellence.
You can’t choose.
Just soak it in.
And enjoy history.

NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 6

LOS ANGELES — I have to write about Tony Romo this week. Wow, what a game he played last Sunday against Denver. He went toe-to-toe with Peyton Manning and nearly came out victorious. Nearly. That seems to be a word we use often to describe Romo and his play. He nearly puts it all together. He nearly comes away with big victories when his team needs them the most. He nearly is among the top QBs in the league. In the offseason, when Jerry Jones signed Romo to that outrageous $108M contract, Jones said he wanted his quarterback to be more like Manning. He meant this in terms of being a complete football guy. Putting in the extra hours in the film room, working out, running routes with his receivers. Romo even went out of his way bypass his annual attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open this summer. And look, it’s shown. Romo has been out of his mind this year. He’s second in TD passes (13), INTs (2) and passer rating (114.3), and third in completion percentage (71.8%) but yet the Cowboys are only 2-3. Why is this? Is it all on his shoulders? When you get paid nine figures it all goes on you whether it’s your fault or not. Team can’t run the football? Who cares, you’re getting $100M. Defense can’t get off the field? BFD. You’re getting paid $100M. The NFC East is primed for Dallas’ taking and it’s up to Romo to take it.

Let’s find out who’s The Man.

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32.) Jacksonville Jaguars (record: 0-5) (last week: 32) For a second, didn’t you think Jacksonville might pull off the upset against St. Louis? And Justin Blackmon, nice wheels.

31.) New York Giants (0-5) (30) This is getting ugly with the Giants. Real ugly.

30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) (31) So now McGlennon (as Warren Sapp calls him) is the captaining the pirate ship. I’m guessing a lotta turnovers and handoffs to Doug Martin (my pick to win the rushing crown) this week against the Eagles.

29.) Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4) (29) Who woulda thought that Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning, with four Super Bowl rings between them, wouldn’t have a win after five weeks. Sure as hell not me. And not you, either.

28.) Minnesota Vikings (1-3) (25) Is it amusing to anyone else that three of the bottom five teams all had byes last week? Welcome to town, Josh Freeman! What week is Freeman the full-time starter? Seven? Eight?

27.) Carolina Panthers (1-3) (24) Heard an interesting stat: Cam Newton’s top two career passing games are still his first two ever played back in 2011. You believe that?

26.) Buffalo Bills (2-3) (21) Really feel for E.J. Manuel, but he’s fortunate his knee injury isn’t as serious as Brian Hoyer’s, who’s hit looked less severe in comparison. Can’t believe it’s gonna be Tuel Time for the next couple weeks. There is some bad NFL quarerbacking going on in a few of these cities.

25.) St. Louis Rams (2-3) (27) If the Rams lost to the Jaguars there were going to be MAJOR problems. Now comes a winnable game against the floundering Texans. Five-hundred a real possibility and a new season.

24.) Oakland Raiders (2-3) (28) — I’ve always said I wanted to like the Raiders. Not sure why, maybe it’s the simplistic badassery of their uniforms, or the “Just Win, Baby” attitude, but now I have a legitimate reason with the way Terrelle Pryor is playing. As Rich Eisen likes to say, he’s a factor.

23.) Washington Redskins (1-3) (26) Another week’s rest for My Good Friend Robert can’t be a bad thing, nor is it bad for Alfred Morris’s banged-up ribs. But now they return to play on Sunday night against a Dallas team that’s feeling itself after hanging better than maybe anyone will this season against the  Broncos.

22.) Houston Texans (2-3) (14) In our Saturday GameDay Morning meeting, the guys throw out Bold Predictions and see what sticks. Well, before Marshall Faulk settled on taking Terrelle Pryor topping the Chargers in rushing yards, he toyed with the idea of taking Matt Schaub to throw a Pick 6 for a fourth straight game. Seemed laughable at the time.

21.) Atlanta Falcons (1-4) (15) The wheels are falling off the Falcons bus with Monday’s shocking loss to the Jets and then Tuesday’s news that Julio Jones is most likely lost for the season with a foot injury. Good thing I have Matt Ryan and Tony Gonzalez on my also 1-4 fantasy team. Oh wait.

20.) Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) (23) The Eagles have been outscored by 24 points this season, haven’t won at home and yet are tied for the lead in the NFC East but have a big task with Mike vick on the shelf for at least this week. That’s how wide open the NFC is. It’s going to be a such a fun ride the second half of the season.

19.) Arizona Cardinals (3-2) (22) Raise your hand if you thought the Arizona Cardinals were 3-2? My hand is not raised. I had to double check that. It seems like they’re winning in spite of Carson Palmer, who’s completed less than 60% of his passes, has a passer rating of 67.0 and has nine interceptions to only five touchdowns.

18.) Cleveland Browns (3-2) (19) Really excited for Browns fans and the city of Cleveland. What an awesome ride the last three weeks have been. Really feel for Brian Hoyer though, who was enjoying his best go as a professional quarterback before tearing his ACL last Thursday. Highly doubt Brandon Weeden can keep it going.

17.) San Diego Chargers (2-3) (13) If Tony Romo went Tony Romo on Sunday, then the Chargers went Chargers Sunday night against the Raiders. I mean, how classic was opening-drive interception followed by giving up a bomb for a TD?

16.) Tennessee Titans (3-2) (12) The Amish Rifle had the Titans so close to knocking off the Chiefs but you just knew he was going to turn it over at a key moment, and lo and behold, he did.

15.) Baltimore Ravens (3-2) (18) Impressive win last week, going down to Miami and taking care of business. Still, it’s a little concerning Ray Rice is still only averaging 2.9 yards per carry this season. Though fantasy owners have to be pleased by his two scores.

14.) New York Jets (3-2) (20) What did I tell you about the Geno Smith roller coaster?! Wow, that was something on Monday. I officially have no clue about the Jets. They could beat the Steelers this week by 20 or lose by 10. It’s all in play.

13.) Chicago Bears (3-2) (11) This is the Jay Cutler Era for ya; win three straight, lose two. I’m expecting another 3-game run here followed by an injury and crushed playoff hopes.

12.) Detroit Lions (3-2) (10) Well, I guess we see how important Calvin Johnson is to the Detriot Football Lions. Still think they’re better than the Bears, though.

11.) Miami Dolphins (3-2) (7) There’s a lot of teams in the same boat this season. Hard to tell if that boat is sailing toward Playoff Island or not. Also, Brian Hartline was at NFL Network this week and I told him how my buddy Jason took 25 minutes to take him in the 8th round of my fantasy draft. Needless to say he was flabbergasted.

10.) Dallas Cowboys (2-3) (17) I still say the Cowboys win the NFC East and then get blown out in the Wild Card. But hey, at least they made it, right? That’s worth $108 million. Right?

9.) Cincinnati Bengals (3-2) (16) Yes, there was a monsoon right as Tom Brady was going to make this trademark comeback. Yes, the Patriots trotted out a JV corps of wide receivers. Yes, they only scored 13 points. But still, the Bengals gutted out that win and look like a playoff team.

8.) New England Patriots (4-1) (6) At the end of the day, the Patriots are still 4-1 but six points is not going to cut it. The offense has to get better and if Rob Gronkowski comes back this week, it will. Just not sure it’s enough to take down the Saints.

7.) Green Bay Packers (2-2) (9) Would’ve liked to have seen the Packers blow out the Calvin Johnson-less Lions but a win is a win is a win. If they can run the football a little better, Green Bay should contend in the action-packed NFC.

6.) Indianapolis Colts (4-1) (8) Rich Eisen was on Dan Patrick Thursday morning talking Top 10 NFL quarterbacks and didn’t want to put Andrew Luck in there. I would have him in there. He’s damn good. And this is a damn good football team.

5.) San Francisco 49ers (3-2) (5) Colin Kaepernick had just six completions and the 49ers routed Houston. Not sure if that says more about the state of the Texans or how potent this San Francisco offense is when clicking on all cylinders.

4.) Kansas City Chiefs (5-0) (4) The Chiefs faced a little adversity on Sunday on the road, and when the going got tough made the plays needed to remain unbeaten. Of course, they were playing against the Amish Rifle, so yeah, maybe it wasn’t that impressive.

3.) Seattle Seahawks (4-1) (1) If the Seahawks had pulled another comeback win on the road I would’ve been very shocked. As it were, they suffered their first loss and are no longer The Man.

2.) New Orleans Saints (5-0) (3) The Saints have reached the point where there’s no chance I’m ever picking against them. Zero. They are in full-out Eff You Mode and I like it. Even though Sean Payton strikes me as that annoying frat guy who’s always gets hammered and runs his mouth about how rich his daddy is.

1.) Denver Broncos (5-0) (2) We know how good Peyton Manning is, but the biggest question the remainder of the season will be can that defense get stops when needed. We’ll find out next week when Von MIller returns from suspension.

NFL ‘You’re The Man’ Rankings — Week 5

minnesota-vikings-adrian-peterson

LOS ANGELES — The quarter point of the NFL season is a great measuring stick to see what trends we thought when the year began are following through, what teams are on their way toward the postseason and who should start thinking about next year, and what players are dominating and destroying fantasy leagues. In terms of the latter, Maurice Jones-Drew and Stevan Ridley are KILLING ME, while with the former, the trend of this being a passing league has taken on new heights. Gone are the days of the grind-it-out, premier 1,500-plus-yard back (Adrian Peterson not withstanding), here are the times of every team basically being a backfield-by-committee, every quarterback throwing it 40-plus times per game and scoring through the roof (of course, not if you play in Jacksonville or Tampa Bay).

It’s a fun and exhilarating time to be a football fan, player and analyst. The game is evolving by the week. Players are bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, quicker, slicker. Lots of other -er words. As it stands now we have five, count ‘em five undefeated teams, two still winless and  10 teams at 2-2. Can’t wait for the second quarter of the season.

Let’s find out who’s The Man.

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32.) Jacksonville Jaguars (2013 record: 0-4) (last week: 32) What would you put the odds of the Jaguars going winless up against the Broncos going undefeated? Right now I’d say it’s 60-40 in favor of Jacksonville. Oh, and your weekly MJD fantasy update: he got me a whopping 2.87 points this week. Trust me, I wish I had a better option.

31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) (30) How much longer before we start a Free Doug Martin campaign? Mike Glennon slinged it on the opening drive last week but after that he looked like a guy making his first NFL start. Only way to go but up.

30.) New York Giants (0-4) (27) Not sure how it got so bad for the G-Men but they have no running game, they can’t pressure the quarterback, and Eli Manning is getting killed back there. It can’t get much worse but does anyone see it getting better?

29.) Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4) (29) Ben Roethlisberger said the Steelers are the worst team in the league. It’s tough to argue with him though Le’Veon Bell really looked good in his first game action this season. The ankle looked good. He caught the ball and made moves. Ran hard. If the offensive line can hold strong, Ben could rally them back to .500.

28.) Oakland Raiders (1-3) (25) How in the blue hell did the Seahawks think Matt Flynn could be their starting quarterback and pay him $12M or whatever it was? Did you see him standing back there on Sunday, afraid to get hit, not knowing where the ball was supposed to go? Might as well had Darren McFadden run the WildCat all day. Oh wait, he got hurt again.

27.) St. Louis Rams (1-3) (22) I wonder if Steven Jackson is glad he’s out of St. Louis or not, given the state of the Falcons at the current moment. Both the NFC West and South are proving to be formidable divisions and SJax can’t stay healthy. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before.

26.) Washington Redskins (1-3) (28) Preseason Week 4 went better than the first three, as a win finally found its way into the column. Robert looked better. The defense played better. Alfred Morris got banged up but Roy Helu didn’t miss a beat. Oh, right, they played the Raiders.

25.) Minnesota Vikings (1-3) (31) Whenever you have Adrian Peterson you’re in any game. Vikings fans have been waiting for Christian Ponder to do something to represent that he’s The Guy. I’m not saying Matt Cassel is that guy but he did sling it pretty well across the pond. Glad the Brits got to see a good game for once, too.

24.) Carolina Panthers (1-2) (24) I’ll be curious to see how the Panthers look this week coming off a win and a bye. They really put the bang thing on the Giants and a strong front four knocked Eli around something good. Cam Newton had his best week of the year.

23.) Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) (18) Well, this Eagles team certainly is exciting. I don’t know what the record is for points allowed in a season but Chip’s Crew might just give it up this year.

22.) Arizona Cardinals (2-2) (23) Beating a rookie quarterback on the road isn’t much to celebrate, let alone one in the eye of that Tampa Bay hurricane, but a win is a win is a win, and the Cardinals are at .500 which is impressive. Just thought they’d be getting a little more out of Carson Palmer than 250 ypg and a 70 QB rating.

21.) Buffalo Bills (2-2) (21) Nice breakout game for Bob Woods and a solid win at home against he defending champs. The Bills are going to be in every game but E.J. Manuel is going to be running for his life far too often unless the offensive line gets some cohesion.

20.) New York Jets (2-2) (20) This Geno Smith roller coaster is going to be more fun this season than any ride on Coney Island. Have a hot dog at Nathan’s, get some cotton candy and take a walk on the boardwalk. Then take the train to the Meadowlands. Just make sure you have on your seatbelt.

19.) Cleveland Browns (2-2) (26) Wanna turn around your season? Get your starting quarterback injured, play your 3rd string, trade your No. 1 draft pick, show your fan base you’re giving up on the year, then start balling out! The Browns are definitely winning this Thursday. Count on it.

18.) Baltimore Ravens (2-2) (16) Well, I mean, Eli Manning never threw five interceptions in a game like Joe Flacco did last week against Buffalo. Not yet at least. This Ravens team is going to have good times and bad this season. Get used to it.

Dallas+Cowboys+v+San+Diego+Chargers+fQCvsXlzYTul

17.) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) (15) Man, I really thought the Cowboys were going to run away with the NFC East, and they still might, but I’d really like to see a team with a 21-10 lead in the 3rd quarter put one a way. Especially on the road. That would’ve been a good one. Dez Bryant sure had some nice catches in this game though. He’s really putting it all together.

16.) Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) (8) You can’t talk all offseason about how you’re an AFC contender and how you’re ready to win in the playoffs not just reach the playoffs, go on “Hard Knocks” and run your mouths, then go to Cleveland and only score 6 points. Six points?! That’s embarrassing. Come on, Andy Dalton, impress us! We want to believe in you!

15.) Atlanta Falcons (1-3) (11) As Bill Parcells always said, you are what your record is, and while the Falcons on paper still look like a playoff team, right now they are 1-3 in a division the Saints look like they’re running away with. And when you think about who else you think is going to make the playoffs, that means there’s only 3 spots for the Packers, Bears, Lions, Saints, Falcons. Every game is important. Oh, and thank you, Tony Gonzalez for ballin’ out this week and lifting my fantasy team to its first win.

14.) Houston Texans (2-2) (14) Lotta people talking smack this week about Matt Schaub and how every week he does something late in the game that makes you shake your head. Can he be a Super Bowl quarterback?

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13.) San Diego Chargers (2-2) (17) — Something’s gotten into Phil Rivers. Lemme throw some stats at ya: 2nd in completion % (73), touchdowns (11) and passer rating (118); 5th in yards-per-attempt, 7th in total yards. Is it Ken Whisenhunt? Is it no more Norv Turner? Beats me. But I sure like this new Phil Rivers.

12.) Tennessee Titans (3-1) (13) Who’s ready for a month of the Amish Rifle?! Get excited Titans fans! Man, just when Jake Locker seemed to be coming into his own back there, he gets cheapshoted and taken out. That defense is better than I thought, too.

11.) Chicago Bears (3-1) (3) Our biggest drop this week, and maybe it’s a market correction on the Bears, but Jay Cutler was back to doing Jay Cutler-like things is not good news in Chi-City. And maybe that big bad Bears defense is no more, because Matthew Stafford and Reggie Bush ran rampant over them. We’ll see how they respond with the Saints coming to Soldier Field this week. Huge game.

10.) Detroit Lions (3-1) (19) Conversely, our biggest jump of the week belongs to The D, who put a hurt on the Bears. Maybe the Lions are good? I dunno. Reggie Bush sure is making a difference. It’s gonna be that kind of year in the NFC North, I think. Lotta points, not a lotta defense and some slingin’ of the football. Should be fun.

9.) Green Bay Packers (1-2) (9) If the Packers want to win this division, and I’m guessing they do, they’re gonna need a healthy Eddie Lacy and James Starks running the football. Hard. Strong. Tough. We know Aaron Rodgers is gonna do his thing but they need that balance.

8.) Indianapolis Colts (3-1) (12) OK, we all know not much can be learned after a thumping of the Jaguars but I’m liking this team more and more each time I think about them.

7.) Miami Dolphins (3-1) (7) The Dolphins aren’t ready for primetime, that was evident Monday night against the Saints, but they do some nice things. I like how they ran the football, and Mr. Lauren Tannehill stands tall back there and showed his mobility (the key fumble not withstanding). Defensively, still a few things to sure up, especially with Patriots, Bengals and Chargers coming up.

6.) New England Patriots (4-0) (10) Now that was a pretty impressive win Sunday night by Tom and the Bunch. What I love about the Patriots is that they do whatever it takes. If it’s running the ball, great. Passing and a hurry-up offense, super. Stick their finger in the dirt and play smashmouth, we can do that. Whatever it takes. Losing Vince Wilfork for the season definitely hurts, but is there a better defensive back in the league right now than Aqib Talib? Dude wants to get paid.

5.) San Francisco 49ers (2-2) (6) Very solid, back-on-track win Thursday night, and while it was against the struggling Rams, it was nice to see the 49ers get back to doing what they do so well: run the football and play defense. That’s the recipe for returning to the Super Bowl. And establishing that will open up Colin Kaepernick to do this thing.

4.) Kansas City Chiefs (4-0) (5) Alex Smith finally turned the ball over, but yet the Chiefs defense reeked enough havoc on the Giants to cruise to a comfortable win. There’s a lot to like about this Kansas City team and it starts with Smith, Andy Reid, Jamaal Charles and ends with that defense. Can’t wait for them to play Denver in Week 11.

3.) New Orleans Saints (4-0) (4) I’m officially impressed with the football being played in New Orleans at the moment. Offensively, they are clicking. Defensively, they are swarming. Sean Payton is doing kettle bell workouts and kissing Drew Brees. And thank you, Marques Colston, for being that wonderful ball catcher you are in the second half and getting the 8.67 points I needed to win this week.

2.) Denver Broncos (4-0) (2) You know what Ying Yang Twins (or whomever) song “Shots!”? Well they should write a remix for the Broncos called “Points!” since that’s all Denver seems to be doing this year: scoring points. Averaging over 44 points per game, more than Jacksonville and Tampa Bay have scored TOTAL all year.

1.) Seattle Seahawks (4-0) (1) It wasn’t looking good for 3 quarters down in Houston, but wouldn’t you know Russell Wilson and that defense found a way to win. Beast Mode, a pick 6 by the Legion Of Boom and voila, we have a ball game. Then we have overtime and whaddyaknow, Seattle escapes undefeated. Always compete.

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